


Birds of a Feather - Val x Reader x Judd

by CalicoJack11



Category: Big Mouth (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Best Friends, Denial of Feelings, F/F, F/M, Fanfiction, Feels, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, High School, Horny Teenagers, Love, Multi, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Teen Angst, Teen Romance, Teenagers, Threesome, Threesome - F/F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-22
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:01:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 31
Words: 72,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22358374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CalicoJack11/pseuds/CalicoJack11
Summary: WARNING! HEAVY SEXUAL CONTENT!Birds of a feather flock together. That's what they say, right? Well you and Val Bilzerian were plucked right from the tail end, best friends for as long as either of you can remember. Raised by fathers adamant that love was a sham and using people was only natural. But with hormones overflowing and graduation right around the corner, things are getting.. complicated. The real questions is whether these feathers were plucked from a flock of vultures, or a pair of lovebirds.
Relationships: Judd Birch (Big Mouth)/Original Female Character(s), Judd Birch (Big Mouth)/Reader, Judd Birch (Big Mouth)/You, Val Bilzerian/Reader
Comments: 37
Kudos: 127





	1. Peach

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, guys! I'm back for another ridiculous fanfic. Hopefully you all enjoyed my Judd Birch x Reader story.  
> I usually use the name "Cal/Cali" for the reader name (because I hate using y/n), but this time I'm using Eleanor/Ellie/Elle.  
> Long story short, Val is your best friend and always has been. You met when your dad was looking for a divorce lawyer and ended up working under the table jobs for Guy Bilzerian  
> I expect this story to be very crass with TONS of sexual content. (Because it's the Bilzerians, duh.)  
> Enjoy!! I always appreciate any feedback, suggestions and comments.

You sat on the sleek, leather couch that was much bigger than your tiny, four year old body. Your mom and dad resting beside each other on the coffee table in front of you.

_"Honey, your father and I need to have a talk with you."_

Mom's voice was laced with heartache. In your naive mind, you could only assume that you were in trouble. You'd don't something wrong, messed **something** up.

But your dad could see the worry fill your eyes to the brim, reassuring you in his thick, Colombian accent, _"Mi amor, this isn't about you. You didn't do anything wrong."_

Your mother reached out, holding your hand. Her skin was so, so soft. Tears teetering on the edge of her eyelids. She opened her mouth, _"Eleanor, we're getting a div-"_

Suddenly her mouth opened as wide as it could. Rapidly closing and opening as a loud _Honk! Honk! Honk!_ escaped it.

You jolted up in bed, gasping for breath and holding your chest. The red mess on top of your head falling into your face as you scrambled to grab your alarm clock and look at the time.

8:45

Throwing the blanket over your legs, you jumped out of bed and over the body that lay on the air mattress beside it.

_"FUCK! Val, wake up! We're gonna be late!"_

Your best friend rolled over onto his stomach, pulling a pillow over his head to shield his eyes from the light pouring in through the windows.

You heard his muffled, sleepy voice, _"God damnit, why can't we skip just ONCE?!"_

_"It's the first fucking day of our senior year. We have to at LEAST get our schedules. Come on!"_

You leaned down, pulling the plug to his mattress and listening to the shrill whistle of air escaping the plastic.

Val sat up just as you pulled your volleyball shorts over your hips and your oversized t-shirt off. Back turned to him, but not nearly enough.

 **That** woke him up, _"Fuck! Dude, I just saw your tit!"_

You finished pulling your team hoodie over your head and turned to him, bearing the most unsympathetic look you possibly could, _"They're barely bigger than yours and we bathed together until we were fucking nine, dude. Get the fuck up!"_

Finally, the two of you made it to your car. You sped off down the street, away from your neighboring houses. Val lighting the blunt that you'd had the sense to roll the night before.

He took two deep puffs before passing it to you. You traded him the blunt for one of the two cigarettes you were holding between your fingers.

You held in the smoke for as long as you could, trying to get as high as possible before you approached Bridgeton High School, _"This is gonna be the longest school year of our lives."_

You passed the blunt back to Val and motioned for him to take the wheel so you could light your cigarette. The two of you had mastered this act over the past year and a half.

 _"Yeah, for_ **_you_ ** _. You're gonna be busy with Volleyball and then fucking ditch me for some fancy, out of state college with Alec next fall."_

Nearly choking on your cigarette smoke from laughter, you looked over at him through watering eyes to see the mischievous look on his face. He was fucking with you, knowing you'd been avoiding breaking it off with your summer fling for weeks.

_"You're so full of shit. And for your information, I broke the news to Alec yesterday."_

Val truly got off on seeing you break hearts. It filled him with sickening joy when guys thought they were going to pull the two of you apart, only to find out that you were just playing with them. Like a young cat toying with a tiny mouse until you got bored of the repetitive game.

_"Fuck, PLEASE tell me he cried, Elle! Even if it's a lie, just fucking tell me that's what happened."_

You took in another hit, allowing your mind to fill with haze before you put out the blunt in your ash tray, _"Ugh, I_ ** _almost_** _considered keeping him around for a little longer. He was just too.. soft. How's it going with Blair?"_

Val's thick eyebrows knitted together and he made a cutting motion against his throat while he took in a drag from his cigarette, _"Oh fuck no. I'm going for Taylor Rist this year. Blair wanted me to "be faithful" and shit."_

You continued your conversation while pulling into the school parking lot. Watching your schoolmates rush inside to make it to their first classes before the bell rang.

_"Y'know, I heard Taylor did some gay shit with Mel over the summer."_

You slid into an empty spot, throwing your car into park and turning to look at Val. He already knew what you were proposing, _"You tryna make a bet, Elle?"_

Extending your palm toward him with a slick grin on your face, _"Whoever gets her in bed first wins?"_

Val took your hand in his, shaking it and solidifying your bet, _"Fucking deal, but when_ ** _I_** _win you have to leave your blinds open the next time you bring a broad home."_

You stepped out of your car, the two of you starting your journey inside, _"No fucking way! You already caught the peep show this morning!"_

He rolled his eyes at you taking his prize of choice out of context, _"Then don't get naked, dip ass. Live porn is live porn, don't make this weird."_

 _"Fine, but when I win you have to_ **_literally_ ** _kiss my ass."_

He opened the door and led you inside the hallways just as the bell rang for your first class, _"Hell, don't tempt me with a good time. Come here-"_

You turned to Val and hugged him around the waist, him squeezing you with his arms around your shoulders. It was strange, how your friendship teetered between being crass and "bro-like" to being loving and protective. But you figured that was just normal for two people who'd grown up with no one else besides each other to show them what _actual_ human connection was like.

The two of you went your separate ways down the hall, you came _so_ close to making it into your first class before hearing your name, _"Eleanor Rojas."_

Your eyes rolled like bowling balls and you let out a loud, exasperated sigh, _"Yes, Mr, Lizer.. so great to see you again."_

Mr. Lizer. He'd been fired from Bridgeton Middle School the previous year for being a sexist pig and Bridgeton High was quick to put him on their payroll. While you were glad that _those_ girls didn't have to go through the relentless badgering that he'd put you through in middle school, you were annoyed that now YOU had to put up with him for one more school year.

He stood in front of you with arms crossed, _"You know that recreational uniforms are only permitted on game or pep rally days. Those shorts don't reach the mandatory dress code length of an inch above the knee."_

_"Has that always been a rule?"_

Lizer pulled out his memo pad, scribbling down a formal warning, _"It has. Except now - it's actually being enforced."_

_"Great. So I'm assuming this goes for all athletes, right? Not just those of us in volleyball shorts or skirts."_

He nodded his head and you turned your back, making your way into AP Literature. Swearing your could hear him mumble under his breath, _"Ugh, go fuck yourself, Ellie."_

_~_

Leah squealed as you sat across the lunch table from her, _"Ellie! I can't believe I haven't seen you since May!"_

Biting down on a ripe, honeycrisp apple, you responded with your mouth full, _"Coach makes us work double the amount in summer. Your parents still out of town this weekend?"_

Talulah interjected, _"They fucking better be. We don't know anyone else with a pool and we're NOT canceling the end of summer pool party."_

_"Simmer down, simmer down. Yes, they're still gone for the weekend. You're still making the playlist, right?"_

You took another chunk out of your apple while nodding your head, _"Yep. I'm working on it tonight after practice. I'm thinking like.. SoundCloud R &B and early 2000's barbecue type shit. Question - did either of you hear something about Mel and Taylor Rist hooking up over the summer?"_

You watched Talulah's eyes roll to the back of her head, _"Keep it in your pants, Casanova. According to Taylor that was a one time thing, she isn't gay."_

You smiled, knowing that didn't mean shit, _"Neither am I, but sex is sex."_ You shrugged, _"Plus I've got a bet goin' on with Val."_

Val. You knew that your girlfriends could never understand the connection the two of you had. Leah put it crassly, _"God, why don't you guys just bang already and get it over with?"_

The apple you were chewing on went straight down your windpipe, coughing and grabbing your chest. Leah and Talulah erupted in a fit of laughter over the sight of you caught off guard.

_"Jesus fuck, Leah!"_

_"Well, it's true! Me and Tules are gonna be bridesmaids at your wedding one day, we're already picking out our hairstyles."_

You met her with nice middle finger pointed straight up and went back to eating your apple.

~

You took a short nap after practice and kissed your dad goodbye. He did this often, went out of town for "business". He'd never plainly stated what he did for a living, but you had a hunch. Working under the table for Mr. Bilzerian was a comfy job laced with tax evasion, weekends in Miami and beautiful women - you didn't need any extra details.

After you had the house to yourself, you shuffled through Spotify playlist after playlist. Putting together a list of songs that would keep Leah's party bumping and at the same time help you find your way between some poor girls legs.

You were swaying your hips and singing along to the melodic tunes of Kevin Abstract. Not a worry in the world could've interrupted the trance you were in.

_She let me, let me fuck in the shower_   
_I wrote my number in the mist on the mirror_   
_I'm not the type to tell my homies about ya_   
_You're not the type to hold me down through the years_

Val sat on the edge of your windowsill, his feet dangling near the floor as he watched the way your hips moved. Cursing the Lord's name that he was an ass type of guy instead of tits.

He slowly lifted himself down onto your carpeted bedroom floor, sneaking up behind you and taking in your intoxicating scent. Peaches and cream, just like the lyrics of the song that was playing.

_It's all peaches and cream_   
_If you left your love I'll be right_

But you'd notice him soon, and to avoid making thing weird - Val wrapped one arm tightly around your chest from behind, immobilizing your arms. Using his other hand to clamp hard over your open mouth, preventing you from screaming.

He lowered his lips next to your ear and deepened his voice, _"You scream and you die, bitch."_

Your tongue sloppily licked his palm and he jerked it away, breaking character, _"Uck! Fucking gross, dude!"_

You broke free from his grasp and pushed him away, laughing at his ability to catch you off guard, _"Fuck you, you just reminded me that I need to lock that window before the_ ** _real_** _Richard Ramirez comes to kidnap and rape me one night."_

Val kicked his shoes off and dropped his backpack to the floor, _"Oh please, you'd be begging the Night Stalker to take advantage of you - post dental surgery, of course."_

You grabbed your phone, turning the music to a song that perfectly fit his accusation. Singing the words and playing along with your best friend.

_My Lucifer is loneeeelyyyyy_

You resumed the uncoordinated dance moves that'd be halted and flicked your thumb, the universal "lighter" sign that all smokers and stoners recognized. Val took a hint and pulled out another pre-rolled blunt.

The two of you lay side by side on the bed. Your legs casually rested over his, like usual. Val watched your eyes glass over as you took in deep puffs and exhaled the light, putrid smoke.

Already high, his thoughts were swarming. Val was counting down the days in his mind.

_"Whatcha thinkin' about, Val?"_

Your calm voice interrupting his paranoia. His gaze on your pink cheeks broke and he realized that you were holding out the blunt toward him.

He took it and spoke in a strained voice while holding in his hit, _"Two hundred and sixty-five days until you ditch me. Who am I supposed to hang out with then? Fucking Kurt??"_

You rolled your eyes, _"You keep saying that, dude. It's not true."_

Val scoffed, lifting himself up to sit against your headboard, _"Yeah, right.."_

But you followed his lead, sitting up beside him. Shoulder to cold shoulder, _"You've been the only constant in my life for as long as I can remember. How could I leave you behind?"_

Those words soothed Val's upset mind, even if only temporarily. He lifted the blunt between two fingers to your lips, allowing you to inhale one more time while he watched your lungs expand in your chest.


	2. The Lioness

Your first week of senior year passed quickly. Soon, Saturday greeted you and you fully intended on spending as much of it wrapped in your fluffy comforter as you could.

And you were successful, for the most part. That is until you heard a staticky voice crackle through the walkie-talkie you kept on your nightstand.

_"Wake up, shit-head."_

That fucking radio had been put through it all. After your Dad met Guy Bilzerian, it was hard for them to keep their children apart. The two of you were soon attached at the hip and living as neighbors only made it more difficult. So your dad bought you these walkie-talkies, giving you both the ability to talk from the safety of your respective houses.

You pulled the blanket over your head and tried to drown out his transmissions, but they continued.

_"It's four-thirty you fuck. You going to the party or not?"_

You groaned and grabbed the radio, yelling at him through the blanket, _"Yeah, Val! I'm fucking_ ** _been_** _up! Give me a minute, damn!"_

It took a moment for him to respond, you almost thought he'd rightfully regretted the act of waking you up. Something he should've known better than to do by now.

But then he responded, _"You're full of shit, Elle. I can_ ** _SEE_** _your lazy ass still laying in bed."_

You tossed the radio to the side and sat up, glaring toward the open window. There stood Val, across the fence and on the second floor of the house built right beside your own. You'd always been able to see right into each other's rooms through your windows.

Val watched you stumble out of bed and walk to the window adjacent his. He'd always been amazed by the combination of genes you'd been blessed with. The way your warm skin bronzed in the summertime sun, contrasting with your blue eyes. Or the way your untamable hair fell into waves of natural red lochs.

But his view was blocked when you pulled the blinds that allowed him to admire you. Soon, he heard the static come through his end of the radio.

_"Meet me at my car in ten."_

Val rushed to pull on his swim trunks and rub on some of his dad's cologne. Jogging over to your driveway as you juggled locking up your house and carrying two cases of beer on your shoulders.

He grabbed one of the cases, _"Dibs on these Natty Lights."_

It was then that he saw what you'd changed into. A pair of red bikini bottoms and a white tank top with the sleeves cut off and down the sides, tied up into a crop top. Side boob effectively peeking out through the torn ribs.

_"Uh.. you plan on swimming in that, Elle?"_

You tossed the beers in the trunk of your car and lowered your sunglasses over your eyes, _"No. You know I don't swim."_

He did know. He'd learned the hard way after dragging into the water during a spur of the moment beach trip when the two of you were sixteen.

******* Val's POV *******

I balanced both cases of beer on my biceps as Ellie led me through the Birch's fence. Their backyard was already littered with teenagers, and even more were piling in behind us.

_"Yo, Elle!"_

The two of us heard some guy yell from across the yard, followed by the sight of a blue beer can hurdling toward her.

She caught the can expertly, using her keys to quickly stab through the aluminum and lifting it to her lips. Shotgunning the beer like it was water and she was dehydrated.

I watched her drop the can to the ground when she was done with it, a disgusted look on her face, _"Ugh, gross. That was Budweiser!"_

I scoffed and left her to unload the beers into a cooler. Running into Leah when I came back out onto the patio.

_"Hey, Vaaaaaal."_

Leah and I weren't exactly friends, but we had the same best friend. So we were cordial, I sold her weed on the rare times that she was looking for it and she helped me search for Ellie a birthday gift every year. Still, I was suspicious about the way she said my name today.

_"Hey, Leah.."_

Her hand was gripping a solo cup full of white wine, she'd already been drinking and it showed.

_"Today gonna be the day?"_

Perfect. Subliminal messages from a drunk chick. I cracked open a cold one and leaned back against the glass patio table, _"What are you talking about, lightweight?"_

_"You know.."_

She motioned with her eyes to Elle, who was preoccupied with hooking her phone up to the surround sound. I scoffed and walked past Leah, leaving her alone under the shade, _"You're drunk, dude."_

I took a seat in one of the lounge chairs by the pool and she soon joined me with a bottle of tanning oil. Even through her dark shades I could see that her mood had lightened, she was finally waking up.

_"Can you get my back?"_

I hesitated. Not because I didn't want to help her, but because I was fucking _dying_ to touch her. I couldn't risk getting a stiffy here, in front of EVERYONE.

_"You're already half black, you really need to tan?"_

She continued oiling up her legs while responding, _"I'm half brown and half Irish you ass. It's tanning oil or SPF 100, and I didn't bring any sunblock - so chop chop!"_

The bottle dangled in her hand over her shoulder, just waiting for me to grab it. And after a brief moment of restraint, I caved.. snatching the bottle from her and pumping the liquid a few times into my palm.

Aside from our friendly hugs, I'd tried my best to keep my distance from her since we were thirteen. The same age that we stopped sleeping in the same bed during sleepovers. From the moment we both hit puberty, my dick was like a metal detector and she was pure fucking gold.

But it was weird.. sometimes instead of a boner, I just got a heavy churning in the pit of my stomach. Or my throat would feel so dry that I couldn't even swallow.

Either way, I pushed every thought to the back of my head while I rubbed the tanning oil on her lower back and shoulders. Pretending that it was my xanned out mom sitting in the chair beside me instead of _her_.

We lay on opposing pool chairs for awhile, taking in the sun and watching our classmates splash around and dance. She downed a few Natty Lights while I merely nursed mine, as I'd have to make sure she got home okay in the event she got trashed. Which she usually did.

We were content for maybe the first.. hour or so? That is until the two of us watched a familiar figure with blonde hair stroll by.

Our sunglasses slid down our noses simultaneously to get a better look. Taylor Rist was simply the word "angelic" personified.

I heard Elle's words before my gaze broke, _"About that bet, Val.."_ I turned to look at her, a bright smile already painted on her face.

_"I'm about to win. So make sure your lips are nice and moisturized for that ass kissing."_

Before I could even respond, she'd lifted herself off of the pool chair and was making her way across the yard. Approaching Taylor on the other side of the pool. I pushed my sunglasses back up on my face and watched the scene unfold before me.

Elle's hips rocked in time with the music that played over the speakers.

_Come here and make some love that_   
_Make some love that lasts_

She confidently pressed her body against Taylor's from behind and loosely draped her arm around the front of her shoulders. Taylor, confused at first, reciprocated once she realized who was behind her.

She gently swayed her hips to the beat, grinding back against Elle. Hell, Taylor even tilted her neck to the side when she leaned her face against it.

I stopped watching when I realized that our bet really _would_ soon be over. Ellie was a fiend for straight girls that wanted to explore their sexuality - always more than happy to help confuse them even more.

I ended up taking a short nap in my pool chair, waking up with a full bladder and seeing that the sun had started to lower.

I pushed my way through the crowds of drunk ass teenagers, into the Birch home. Fuck, this place was nice. It was smaller than my house, but having a family inside it that actually give a fuck about each other really makes a difference.

Up the stairwell and down the hall, finally finding the guest bathroom that Leah and slurred out directions to. I unloaded my bladder and lazily made my way back down the hallway, taking time to laugh at all the family portraits Leah's parents had made.

But a soft, moaning sound is what really stopped me in my tracks. I gazed at the door from behind which it came. There was a sign hung on it reading _"Leah's Room"_.

Obviously, Leah wasn't inside, as she was busy hanging onto Daniel in the backyard. I pressed my ear to the door, hearing it again.

I'd recognize that sound anywhere. A low, breathy moan accompanied by the creaking springs of a mattress.

Free porn is free porn, right? Plus I wanted to be the first to spread this rumor of who was fucking who at the senior year pool party.

Slowly, I clutched the doorknob and twisted it. Opening to door as gently as I could and peaking inside.

The light from the hallway barely illuminated the lavender walls of Leah's bedroom. I actually peered around the room for a moment before moving my eyes to the two bodies laying on the twin sized mattress.

It was even _better_ than I could've hoped for. For a moment, at least. The bare ass of the hottest chick in our class, leaned over on all fours just for my viewing pleasure.

But it was the person underneath her that shocked me and caused an immediate tent in my swim trunks. I'd notice that red hair anywhere.

Taylor's throat let loose another muffled groan, _"Ohh shhhit, Ellie.. right there."_

I couldn't have moved even if I wanted to. And let me be clear, I **didn't** want to. It was then that I noticed my best friend's legs sprawled out opposite of the girl's we had both been fawning over. Taylor's face tucked between her thighs, sixty-nine position.

I was in heaven. Pure. Fucking. Heaven. Forget the fact that this was my best friend that I was spying on, this was quality fucking girl-on-girl action right before my eyes and I was **living** for it.

That is, until Elle's eyes met mine.

My heart stopped. My breathing slowed. I think in my head I assumed that she was something like a nocturnal predator.. like if I didn't move or breathe, she wouldn't be able to see me.

But even though _she_ was surrounded by darkness, I stood in the light from the hallway. I knew she could see me. In fact, she was **watching** me watch her. Only proven to be true when she held eye contact with me while slowly licking up the length of Taylor's pussy..

Jesus fucking Christ it was like staring a lioness straight in the eyes while the animal sized you up. Pupils constricted, muscles relaxed.

She held that same eye contact for a moment while her hungry tongue lapped at the girl's clit, digging her nails into the porcelain ass that sat on top of her chest.

Thankfully, her gaze eventually broke. Eyelids closed as she melted between those thighs and it gave me the opportunity to hastily pull the door closed.

I leaned my back against it, heart thumping as I listened to another round of moans that I **knew** weren't Taylor's this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told y'all, this story has a lottttt of NSFW shit in it.  
> Let me know what you guys are thinking! I love hearing from you all. Leave me some suggestions if you have any ideas about where this should go.


	3. Sibling Rivalry

Eventually, you left Taylor to recuperate on her own in Leah's bedroom. Rinsing your mouth and adjusting your bikini bottoms as you made your way down the stairs, back to the party that you'd briefly abandoned.

Val stood by the cooler downing a beer, trying his fucking hardest to act normal.

You wondered for a moment if you shouldn't have done what you did. Or, didn't do, I should say. You had no clue that Val would find himself watching you eat the soul out of his crush of the week - just like he had know clue that would happen either. But instead of freaking out and yelling for him to leave, you figured.. what the hell. You could win the bet **and** he could still get his prize. Win/win situation, right?

You approached Val from behind, _"Anything interesting happen while I was gone?"_

He nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard your voice. And when he turned around, you could see the nervousness in his eyes. But he played it off well.

_"If you did, so did I. I just.. caught a few Z's by the pool."_

You cocked an eyebrow at him while leaning down to grab your fourth beer of the evening, _"Oh yeah? That's all you did?"_

The color visibly drained from every inch of Val's body. So he _hadn't_ imagined that whole scene.. he thought to himself, fuck it. Gotta talk about it at some point.

_"Elle.. did you do that on purp-"_

But he was cut off by Daniel's booming voice as he lifted himself on top of the glass patio table, _"Here-ye, here-ye! Party people, listen up!"_

The two of you turned to face the clown, _"Oh_ ** _this_** _should be good."_

_"We're closing up shop on the end of summer pool party for the last time. So.. it's only fitting! On the count of five, everyone in the damn water!"_

Val watched you slowly shake your head and look up at him, _"I'm gonna sit this one out, you go ahead."_

He couldn't do that, leave you to be by yourself while everyone else splashed around for the final time. The crowd started counting down along with Daniel.

_"Five! Four! Three! Two!"_

But suddenly.. you felt a towering presence behind you. Fucking Kurt. Who the _fuck_ invited Kurt? He was drunk as shit and counting along. And before you could object, his arms wrapped tight around your waist. Hoisting you up over his shoulder.

It was then that your head was filled with pure fucking fear. You knew what he was about to do and tried to scream, but your voice was drowned out under everyone else's.

_"KURT! Put me the FUCK down! I'm not fucking going in!"_

His legs moved toward the in-ground pool and your eyes met Val's once again. _Begging_ him to intervene, and he tried. But his older brother was MUCH bigger than him and fucking trashed.

_"Bro, she can't fucking swim, dude!"_

Kurt didn't hear a single word from either of you.

_"ONE!"_

Body after body loaded into the deep, aquamarine water. You felt yourself midair and then.. submerged. Briefly, but just long enough for you to inhale a lungful of liquid.

Val's eyes searched through the sea of people, waiting for you to come up. Just before he had convinced himself you were dead, there you were. Gasping for air and thrashing around. Not a soul noticed the distress you were in. No one besides him.

So he jumped in behind you, grabbing your thrusting arms while narrowly avoiding being slapped.

_"Elle! Ellie, stop!!"_

You couldn't feel his protective arm wrapped around your hips, keeping you afloat. All you could think about was certain death. Finally, he wrangled up both of your hands with his free one. Restricting them behind your back and forcing you to acknowledge him.

_"ELEANOR!"_

You took in a deep breath of air, realizing that you were still alive. He took this as his opportunity to guide you to the side of the pool, lifting you up onto the edge. Val grabbed your cheeks in both of his hands and brushed the now soaking wet hair out of your face.

_"I got you, Elle. You're okay, I've got you."_

Your hands were still trembling, but his voice brought you out of your own head. These were the moments that your other friends usually didn't see. The protective side of Val that only _you_ knew.

You were gripping his forearms for dear life, repeating his own words, _"You've got me? I'm okay?"_

_"I've always got you, dude. Come here."_

He pulled his arms out of your grasp and lifted himself onto the concrete, leading you under the covered patio. Val grabbed someone's beach towel and started to reach for you.

Until he noticed that damn white tank top. With no plans of getting in the water, you'd had no concerns of it getting wet. But now, the fabric was soaked and you were working diligently to ring it out from the bottom.

Still the brisk evening air mixed with the cool pool water caused your nipples to erect against the shirt. The shirt that now clung to your skin just as desperately as the water itself.

Val darted his eyes away from the droplets that raced down your thighs. Wrapping the oversized towel around your shoulders before turning his attention to his monstrous brother that was now pulling himself out of the pool, along with the rest of the party-goers.

Kurt didn't expect the blow. He didn't even realize what he'd done when he leaned over to grab another beer from the cooler. He was met with a jab to the gut, delivered by Val's clenched fist.

Had Kurt not already been bent at the waist he would've doubled over in pain. Instead he froze in place and let out a loud grunt.

Val spoke through clenched teeth, lowering his voice as to not make a scene, _"I told you to keep your fuckin' hands off of her, Kurt. What's your fucking deal??"_

Kurt straightened himself out, completely forgetting about his alcoholic cravings. Sibling rivalry was one thing, but this was different. He could see the pure anger in his brother's eyes. Still, he chose to poke the bear.

_"You're just pissed I got a handful of your girlfriend's fuckin' sweet ass."_

You could nearly see the steam pouring out of Val's ears as his hands darted out in front of him, meeting Kurt's shoulders with a rough shove.

_"She's not my girlfriend, bro."_

A crowd now forming around the two brothers. You had to step in. You _always_ had to step in.

Tossing the towel aside, you shimmied your way between their bodies in order to put some space between them. Hands on Val's chest and looking him dead in the eyes, but he was seeing right through you.

_"Come on, V. He's not worth it, let's just go."_

A scoff escaped Val's throat, _"Oh, fuck no. He shouldn't even be here! We're staying, he can go!"_

With your back facing the pile of lard behind you, Kurt seized the opportunity to cop another feel. You immediately tensed up, biting your inner cheek as his fingers traced your back side. Usually, you'd turn around and sock the motherfucker in the mouth yourself. Instead you sucked it up and gave Val a nod of approval. Lifting your hands off of his bare skin in a surrendering motion and sliding your body out from between them, out of Kurt's grasp.

Luckily, Kurt's eyes followed your ass as you nestled yourself into the crowd. You had a front row seat to witness Val rear back and crack his brother's jaw.

And crack it did. Everyone heard it, most winced in pain. You just stood with a satisfied smile on your face and your fingers intertwined in front of your waist.

He only had to hit him once. Kurt was drunk and distracted, the blow hit him like a ton of bricks. Turns out, it's true what they say - the bigger they are, the harder they fall. And Kurt fell, all right. Straight backward onto the concrete with a booming _thud!_

Leah pushed her way through the crowd, having sobered up fast thanks to the shock of the cold water, _"That's it, everyone out! Party's over!"_

She looked down at the pile of lard that was coming to on her parents' patio, _"That means you too, swine. Don't let the door hit you on the way out!"_

~

You and Val stayed after everyone else scattered, helping Leah and Tules clean up the crushed beer cans and cigarette butts. Though the two of you weren't of much help, having gotten distracted by a game of beer pong someone left unfinished.

Val took the far end of the table with fewer cups still in front of it, _"I'll give ya a chance to win this round, sound good?"_

You furrowed your brow and laughed loudly, _"Funny. You realize you're in the presence of royalty, right? I'm the fucking Beer Pong Queen."_

He tossed two ping pong balls your way, _"Shoot your shot then, your highness."_

Four cups left on Val's court. You effortlessly tossed the first ball, sinking it with no rim.

_"All right, all right. Beginners luck."_

He pulled the cup and downed the liquid without bothering to look inside it, making a shocked face, _"Jesus Christ, what kind of psycho plays beer pong with vodka!"_

You tossed the second, sinking it just the same as the first. Smirking as Val downed the second shot of plain vodka.

_"Back up, poser."_

Instead you held your hands over your six remaining solo cups protectively, _"No way! House rules, fucker. I get another round, cough 'em up!"_

Val rolled his eyes and bounced the ping pong balls across the table. You aimed with one eye closed for a moment, then dropped your hand. Yelling toward the open French doors of the main house.

_"Leah, Tules! Get your asses out here!"_

Soon, Leah emerged in the doorway, leaning her hip against it, _"Tallulah got a call from Mikey Bowers, she dipped. What's up?"_

_"I'm going blind! Make sure Val doesn't cheat."_

She looked tired, but she nodded her head in agreeance. You shut your eyes tight, tossing both balls simultaneously.

Sink. Sank. Sunk.

Val eyed you suspiciously as you took your final bow.

_"Great game, children. If my services are done here, I'm going to bed. Turn off the stereo and porch lights before ya leave."_

You waved Leah off and listened to the door clink shut behind her. Val slowly approached you with cut eyes. You just smiled and held your ground, _"I believe you've got two last shots to drink, V."_

_"Bullshit! I don't take orders from cheaters. Besides, I take those shots and I'll end up just drunk enough for you to take advantage of me."_

Your eyes rolled dramatically and you grabbed the two cups, pushing one against his chest, _"How about this - you take a shot_ ** _with_** _me and I'll get in the pool."_

Val's face contracted in confusion, disbelief, _"You? In the pool? Being a cheater is bad enough, Elle, you wanna turn yourself into a liar, too?"_

_"I'm only going in if you go in with me. You said you've always got me, right?"_

Val rolled the thought around in his head for a moment, finally grabbing the red solo cup out of your hand.

_"Fucking always."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this is dragging out, guys. Promise it'll be worth it.  
> I planned on this story being relatively short but it's looking like it's gonna be a sloooooow burnnn.   
> Leave me some feedback or ideas. 🖤


	4. Boners & Crystal Bowls

You savored the clear liquid as it burned its way down your throat. Instantly regretting the proposition you'd made.

Val pulled his shirt back over his head, tossing it in the perfectly trimmed grass behind him. You poured another shot, throwing it back just for good measure.

_"I don't know about this, Val.."_

You stared at your trembling reflection in the mirrored water. Suddenly, you looked so small. Like the child version of yourself that always appeared in your dreams. Or maybe they were better described as nightmares.

Val saw your fingers lift to your lips, preparing to be gnawed on. It was a nervous habit that he'd noticed when you were just kids. But if there was one thing he was good at, it was ripping the bandaid off before you had the chance to stop him.

_"Welp, that's too damn bad, Ellie!"_

Once again, you were being hoisted into the air. This time over Val's shoulder. You tried swatting at his legs but they were moving too fast and soon you heard him yell, _"Hold your breath!"_

Following his orders out of pure habit. You squeezed your eyes shut and sucked in a huge breath of air.

Val cannonballed right into the deep end of the pool. You stopped fighting him and allowed the cold water to baptize you. He let go of you for only a split second while the two of you were submerged, just long enough for him to turn you toward him.

Your head shot up from underneath the water along with his, _"I can't touch the bottom! You know I can't fucking swim, dude!"_

_"Are you drowning? Did you die?"_

It dawned on you that you _weren't_ drowning. You weren't even struggling to stay afloat. Val's protective hands were gripping your waist and you were grasping his shoulders for dear life. You couldn't remember the last time you'd held someone this intimately without ulterior motives involved.

_"Stop being a puss, Elle."_

Val attempted to pull his palms off of your skin. Testing the waters, in a sense. He wanted to see just how scared you could become, and what you'd do to secure protection.

The feeling of him taking his hands off of your waist was, to you, the equivalent of losing your life jacket in the middle of the ocean. Your legs reached for support that your arms couldn't provide, loosely locking your ankles around his back.

His sadistic teasing angered you, you felt a tinge a betrayal and your face showed every ounce of emotion, _"You're being a dick, V. I thought you had my back?"_

Val had always admired your willingness to call anyone out, even him. There was never any malice in your voice when you did it, always stating it very matter-of-factly. Now was no different.

He rested his hands on your hips, touching you as lightly as possible. But it didn't matter where his fingers landed, the feeling of your legs brushing against his torso forced goosebumps to raise on his skin that he prayed you wouldn't notice.

Val let you get accustomed to your surroundings, drifting around the pool aimlessly while listening to the moody music that played low over the speakers.

There was an elephant in the room that you'd already become blind to. Val still saw it though, even when he closed his eyes.

_"So.. how was Taylor?"_

You winced with comical embarrassment of your earlier actions. Searching your imagination for an excuse that wasn't quite as blunt as "What can I say? Voyeurism gets me off."

_"She got hers, that's for sure.. You can have that one, I don't have the time or patience to teach a virgin how to make a chick cum."_

It seemed to Val that you were always dissatisfied with your partners, there was always something that they did or didn't do. Did too much of or didn't do enough of.

_"Well you already fuckin' ruined her, Ellie. She'll probably cut off all her hair and start calling herself a dyke by next week."_

You shrugged, it wasn't an impossible theory, _"Maybe. I think she'd still be down for a threesome though."_

You regretted the words the second they'd escaped your lips, knowing Val was going to run with it. His ears perked right up at that word, the T word.

Your face grew pink as you rushed to save yourself, _"Ugh.. I didn't mean.. that came out-"_

But the shit eating grin had already spread across his face.

_"You know what, I'm getting cold. Maybe we should-"_

Your ankles unhooked from each other and you attempted to release Val from your leg lock. Instead you felt his hands move from your hips to your outer thighs, holding your legs hostage, _"You're not going anywhere. You won't let me watch you fuck a bitch from across our yards through a window but you'd fuck one **with** me?"_

_"I **just** let you watch me eat out out the girl of your dreams, Val."_

It dawned on you that your legs were no longer drifting lazily in the water around him, they were now wrapped tightly around his waist. The center of your hips brushing against his bare stomach.

An awkward silence hung in the air, neither of you knowing how to address the subtle sexual tension that lingered. That is, until you felt the stiff tent that had grown in his swim trunk graze against your cheeky bikini bottoms.

_"Oh my god, you totally have a boner, don't you?"_

Val let out the breath he'd been holding and shook his head, _"100%, definitely."_

He let go of your legs and you burst into laughter, seemingly turning the entire situation into one big joke. You leaned your face against his chest while you gasped for air between giggles.

Val laughed it off though his face grew warm with embarrassment, _"Fuck you, dude."_

With that, he pulled you under water with him one last time before guiding you over to the metal ladder at the edge of the pool.

You pulled yourself back onto the concrete and grabbed his hand, helping him up as well, _"Wanna take a few more shots and drive home before they hit us?"_

_"Hell yeah, let's get outta here."_

Two more shots each and you both jumped in your old car, speeding home. Lucky for you that it wasn't a long drive, the second you pulled onto your street you could feel your skin heating up. The first tell-tale sign that you were fucked. It hit you even harder when you tried to step out of the driver's seat, stumbling onto the concrete instead.

Val grabbed your arm, stabilizing your before you could hit the ground.

_"Oh! Party foul! You need help up the stairs or are you cool with cracking your head open and leaving me as suspect #1 in your death investigation?"_

You rolled your eyes and continued up the driveway, _"Your dad **would** never let that happen, but you're welcome to smoke a bowl on the roof with me if you want."_

Val thought about what a terrible, enticing offer this was. You were both already so, so drunk - and all he wanted to do was stumble up to his bedroom, jack off, and pass out face down on his bed.

Without giving him the chance to answer, you unlocked the front door and started inside the house. How could he not blindly follow you into the dark?

The two of you turned your backs to each other while you each changed. You into a pair of soffe shorts and a hoodie, him into just a pair of old sweatpants he'd started storing at your place freshman year.

You really didn't need the weed. Like, **really** didn't need it. Your vision had grown blurry and mind mangled, but you couldn't stand the thought of being alone tonight. Not even just the thought of being alone, the thought of being without him. So you packed the crystal bowl that Val had gotten you for your birthday and climbed out of your bedroom window, him drunkenly following behind you.

_"Here, play something good."_

You tossed him your phone and leaned back against exterior of your home. **Home** \- as if you even considered it that. It'd felt so painfully empty since your mom moved the very last of her stuff out. You were only six then, you couldn't possibly understand her reason for abandoning you. Hell, even at the ripe age of eighteen, you still didn't quite understand.

That train of thought swiftly drifted away as your thumb stroked the lighter and the gram or so of pot burned under your fingers. You took the biggest hit that your damaged lungs would allow.

You exhaled and entered a better state of mind. A crooked smile spread across as you heard the chords play through your phone speaker. Val's voice joined yours as the two of you lazily sang along with the words.

_"I can't keep track of all my socks,_

_I'm irresponsible not because I'm a rockstar._

_You can call me what you want,_

_I think I like to hear you talk."_

Your eyes opened and you passed him the bowl. You couldn't help but to watch him. Shirtless, on your roof, just the two of you. Yeah, these were your favorite nights. The nights where you didn't have to pretend to be jockey, like you did with your teammates. Or you didn't have to act a little extra girly, like you had to around Leah and Tallulah. You could just be yourself.

_"You remember when we were sixteen, me and my dad got into that huge fight? I came over to your place and your pops tried to tell me I couldn't stay there for the night.."_

He cracked a smile and blew smoke out of his nose, _"Are you kidding me? I thought he was gonna sock me in the jaw for telling him to go fuck himself."_

Val took another hit and exhaled quickly this time, continuing the memory, " _We stole his car because your dad took your keys and dropped acid at that abandoned campground."_

You struggled to speak through a fit of girlish laughter, _"You accidentally put this song on repeat and it played over and over for like six fucking hours."_

He'd forgotten that little detail, being reminded of it caused him to join you in intoxicated giggles. You leaned into him, the two of you laughing until your faces were covered in tears.

Finally, you were able to collect yourself for long enough to take another hit. Shaking your head gently as you reminisced on all the great times you'd had with him.

Val was doing the same, _"Fuck, I've never slept as good as I did on the hood of his car the next morning."_

The two of you had reluctantly fallen asleep on the hood of his dad's car just before the sun came up, your minds still swarming with hallucinations. You'd woken up before him, having turned onto your side in your sleep. Val's arm wrapped tightly around your waist, breathing warm air onto the back of your neck.

You remembered nearly shedding a tear because it was the first time you'd felt loved in your entire life, and more than anything, you didn't want it to be over. You didn't want to slide out of his grasp, but you did it anyways. From that moment on, you'd only ever felt lonely when you weren't in his presence.

_"I don't think I ever told you.. but that night meant a lot to me, V."_

The tinge of sincerity on your voice caught Val's attention. You didn't know it, but the two of you hadn't woken up like that by mistake. He'd laid awake for an hour, staring at the pastel colors that filled the sky above your bodies. Fighting the urge to innocently touch you in your sleep. He'd caved when you turned on your side, your shirt riding up on your hips and stomach.

After that, neither of your parents dared try to keep you apart. It would've been no use.

Val sat the bowl just inside the windowsill, onto the desk underneath it. He grabbed your hand and moved in the same direction, _"Don't you have practice in the morning? Come on, you need to go to bed."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was fucking trashed when I wrote the majority of this chapter so I apologize if you guys hate it.


	5. Vape Camp

It was noon on a Wednesday. You sat across from Leah and Tules at the lunch table, listening to them repeat their lines over and over again through the crunch of your honeycrisp apple. Hardly startled when a blue, plastic lunch tray dropped in front of the seat to your left.

_"You eat anything besides apples these days?"_

Your face lit up when you saw who it was, _"Whoa now, what are you doin' out of study hall??"_

_"Lizer decided I'd been a good boy today, can you believe that?"_

Leah cleared her voice, getting both of our attentions, _"Guys, we're trying to practice our lines here. Do you mind?"_

Your eyes rolled and the sarcasm melted off of your tongue, _"You might as well just get on stage and suck Tom Cruise's dick. That's what the entire play is about anyways."_

Leah and Tallulah went back to their studying and you turned your attention back to Val, _"So does that mean you're allowed at our first volleyball game tonight?"_

Val hadn't forgotten for a moment that tonight was your time to shine. Being a senior, you were finally crowned Captain, a title they should've given you as a sophomore.

_"A bunch of chicks running around in tight ass shorts? Fuck yeah I'm coming!"_

Dirty jokes immediately came to mind but you held your tongue and turned back toward your less perverted friends, _"Will you guys be there or do you have plans to get your lines tattooed on this inside of your eyelids?"_

They reluctantly pushed their scripts into their backpacks, finally taking the time to converse and eat their lunches. Though they remained suspiciously quiet.

_"Oh god, what is it? Why are you guys being weird?"_

Leah spoke apologetically, _"We didn't wanna upset you, so we didn't mention it.. but tonight is our opening performance. We'll be at every other game, we swear, Ellie! And we'll **definitely** be there for playoffs!"_

You sighed and took another chunk out of your apple without bothering to respond. You knew they cared very little about your games, it was no different than how you felt about their drama club.

Tallulah continued after her, _"But we definitely want you at the wrap party! It's at Leah's house, it'll be after both of our things are over. Come on, all the drama students will be there - you can bring Val and your teammates!"_

Val cut in, knowing how much the other drama kids annoyed you, _"No-go, homos. We're hanging out with my friends tonight after her game."_

Your face twisted in confusion, you spoke simultaneously with the girls, _"What friends?"_

_"My friends from Vape Camp you cunts. You don't remember, Elle?"_

Val nudged you're shoulder and you caught the hint, _"Ohhhh, that's right.. I completely forgot about that! Yeah, we're gonna have a vaping competition against an industrial fog machine and see who can die from popcorn lung the fastest."_

Tallulah and Leah were easily persuaded. That, or they just truly didn't care.

******* Your POV *******

My thighs hit the ground with a thunderous **BOOM**!

I'd lost count of how many times I'd already had to dive against the sleek gymnasium floor that night. All I _did_ know what that my knees, elbows and hips ached from working overtime.

My girls were busting their asses, same as the opposing team. I hated to admit it, but they were damn good. Their school was known for their intense Volleyball program, I knew because I'd done hours of research on them before assigning my teammates their primary positions for the season.

Some of the girls were overwhelmed, they'd expressed that to me before I even gave them my speech in the locker room. Half of them were playing varsity for their first time as juniors, they weren't used to full bleachers on both sides. Even **I** hadn't expected a packed house, given the fact that the school play was going on simultaneously.

I barely had a few seconds to recuperate before the Cold Spring Cardinals spiked the ball back over the net.

Of course, our front line was lacking. Josie didn't even fucking _try_ to block, _that_ was why I'd been throwing myself around the court all fucking night.

I hit the ground again and, finally, Marissa was able to drive the ball right onto the opponent's side of the court.

The crowd cheered. They didn't even know what they were cheering for. They saw our score go up, matching the Cardinals' number - but they couldn't see what I saw.

The buzzer rang in my ear and I wiped my brow of the sweat that was pouring down my face, then motioned my hands in the form of a "T" at the ref. His whistle blew and my girls met me at the bench. By the looks on their faces, they were expecting a _"Good job, guys!"_ or a _"Ya'll are doing awesome!"_

No. I was **pissed**. Fucking fuming. I knew how skilled my girls were, I'd handpicked most of them myself. But there was one that I had set my sights on tonight.

Josie lazily joined the rest of us side court at her own pace, barely a drop of sweat on her.

_"What the **fuck** are you doing, Josie? Did you suddenly forget all of your training or are you just on fucking crack? Which one is it??"_

Her expression told me that she wasn't effected by my reaction, _"It's not my fault! Their hitter has the heaviest hand I've ever -"_

I was having none of it, I knew Josie's end game. We'd started on Varsity together as freshmen, the only freshmen on the team, actually. Originally, she was a badass player. She'd made a name for herself, but had since gotten lazy. Which was why Coach ultimately named me Captain at the end of last year instead of her.

_"Please! Coach Steve at the middle school has a heavier goddamn hand than that fairy. The way this is going you probably couldn't even block a shot from **him**. Do you even wanna be here, Josie?? Just fucking tell me, because I can replace you right now if that's the case!"_

I was yelling, I knew I was. But it seemed physically impossible for my voice to work at any lower of a setting. Now all the eyes in the bleachers were on us for a completely different reason.

_"Oh yeah? Who you gonna put in, "Captain"? One of these fucking rookies?"_

She motioned at the tiny girls that had sat on the bleachers for the entire game, praying that they'd be asked to take the court. I almost laughed at her sarcastic use of my title, _"Those rookies have more passion for the game than I've seen in you for the past TWO FUCKING YEARS, Joze! You know what.."_

I pointed a finger at the tall, thin black girl at the end of the row, _"You, limber up. You're taking middle blocker."_

Josie's eyes suddenly got wide, she scoffed in disbelief.

_"Josie, you can sit this one out and think about what the word "sportsmanship" means."_

I saw the slight look of fear in the replacement girl's eyes. Her name was Alexa, and she had outperformed every other freshman that tried out this season. So much so that the Junior Varsity coach turned her down solely on the fact that she wanted her to try out for Varsity.

She pulled on her kneepads and stretched for just a moment, barely at all before the referee blew his shrill whistle again. The other girls loaded back onto the court while I walked Alexa to her position with her locked tightly under my arm, whispering into her ear.

_"You see that girl with the blonde braid? She's gonna smell your fear and with her first hit, she's gonna try to drive it right into your fucking face. **Fuck her**. Your only job is to make sure that ball doesn't hit the floor and I don't have to pick up your slack."_

I placed her in position and continued before heading to the back of the court, _"Don't worry, you're gonna do awesome."_

The ball bounced back and fourth between teams for maybe fifteen seconds before the blonde chick took her shot. She did exactly what I'd told Alexa would happen.

I heard the painful smack and wasn't sure if it was from the ball hitting Alexa's face or from the force busting her ear drums. I winced momentarily, but reopened my eyes when I heard the crowd screaming.

Only it was our crowd screaming. Not only had Alexa blocked the shot, she spiked it right back at the girl. The blonde was now sporting a perfectly round, crimson stain on the left side of her face. 

Oh, how my heart swelled with pride. It was a dirty point, but it was a fucking point.

The fifth round came to an end with Alexa scoring the winning points. I happily relished in Josie's sour expression. She was being replaced, she knew it before I even told her after the game.

~

I made sure all of the girls made it to their cars safely and spoke to Alexa's parents about her new starting position before retreating back into the locker room solo.

This is how I'd always enjoyed spending the hours post game, decompressing and taking a long, steamy shower. Which was exactly what I was doing when I heard the locked door creak open.

_"Coach, that you?"_

No girls on the team had a key to the locker room besides me. I was just praying that it wasn't the creepy janitor trying to catch a glimpse of me naked - again.

No answer.

_"Josie, if that's you, we can talk about your future on the team after practice on Friday."_

Still, no answer. I turned off the water and rung my hair out, wrapping a bath sheet around my chest. All I could hear was the sound of the shower head dripping and subtle footsteps stopping halfway down the shower corridor.

Fuck it, if someone was here to kill me they were gonna have to fight me naked. I unlocked the stall and pushed it open, slowly peaking my head around the corner.

** ***** End POVs ***** **

Val stood leaned against the cinderblock walls, smoking a cigarette with your duffle bag hanging off of his shoulder.

_"Jesus fucking Christ, I thought I was gonna have to fight for my life naked, Val!"_

He chucked and handed you the duffle bag you'd asked him to bring after finding out he'd made plans for the both of you, _"You know a lot of quality pornos start out exactly like that."_

You rolled your eyes and plucked the cigarette from his fingers, taking a much needed drag from it, _"Yeah, I'm sure that's exactly what you were thinking about while rummaging through my panty drawer, perv. What'd you bring me?"_

_"Those cut up jeans and one of my white v-necks.”_

You'd trusted Val with picking you out something to wear for the evening and found it off that he'd chosen one of his beloved white v-necks. You raised an eyebrow and looked at him suspiciously, but ultimately retreated to the locker room and came back out fully dressed.

The t-shirt was a tad big on you, the neckline dipping low on your breasts. Your usually uncontrollable hair was loosely braided and draped over your shoulder.

You twirled your keys in your hand through the dark parking lot, _"What exactly are we doing with your friends?"_

Val snatched the keys from your hand, cutting you off just before you could reach your car and resting against the door, _"I'm driving, you'll see."_

Something was up, you could tell by the way he stood. He didn't want to leave yet and soon his hand nervously went to the back of his neck. He had been avoiding this conversation since he'd made these plans with his vape camp friends last weekend.

_"Listen, about my friends.. I'm just gonna warn you. I may have been less than truthful about who you actually are.. **to me...** "_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the semi-filler chapter. Next chapter things start to heat up.  
> Leave me some comments, I love talking to you all! 🖤


	6. The Pull Out

******* SEXUAL CONTENT WARNING *******

It was a short ride back to Matt's apartment. The door slid open and you followed Val out hand in hand, up the steep flight of stairs and through the dimly lit hallway.

"You guys wanna match?"

Cyrus and Lula answered Matt's question before either of you could. You rested between Val's legs on the old, scratchy couch like any fake girlfriend would.

Matt soon reappeared with a small dab rig, setting it onto the glass coffee table in front of you, "Val says you're the Green Queen."

You lifted an eyebrow at him and inquired, "Is that what he says? Well isn't that flattering."

Matt tossed you the butane torch, "Mhm.. prove yourself."

You nearly took offense at this stranger challenging your worth as a stoner, scoffing at his arrogance and taking the piece in your hand. You lit the torch, holding it to the nail until you knew it was just the right temperature before Val dropped the golden wax into it.

You breathed in the smooth hit like it was the oxygen that your lungs so desperately needed. Just as you dropped the carb cap over your leftovers, you felt a rough hand snake around from your back and over your throat.

Val guided your face back to his, leaning over your shoulder. With his lips waiting eagerly in front of yours, you knew what he was waiting for. You exhaled your secondhand smoke and he breathed it in deep. And instead of wasting what little THC was left in that hit, his lips met yours and you shared the remainder. You dropped the torch into your lap and gripped his forearm that was pressed against your chest feverishly.

"Alright, alright, we get it! You guys are in love, now pass the damn rig!", Cyrus mocked jokingly as he held his hand out toward yours. You handed the piece to him and leaned back against Val's chest, riding the warm waves that flowed through your body as you were overcome by the THC.

Hours later, you and the rest of the crew sat a giggling mess on the carpeted floor of the inner city apartment. Listening to Lula recite the embarrassingly hilarious moment when she knew that Cyrus was "the one", if there ever was such a thing.

Her sweet voice broke through the fits of laughter, "So we're, y'know, mid-fuck. Cyr accidentally slams my head into my bedroom window. I'm fucking out COLD! Obviously, we're stoned off our asses-"

Cyrus continued her thought, "So I freak the fuck out thinking I've killed this chick whose name I barely even fucking know. Instead of fucking burying the body like a sane person, I call 9-1-1 and I'm yelling at this dispatcher like, 'I JUST FUCKING KILLED MY GIRLFRIEND! WE WERE FUCKING AND I SLAMMED HER HEAD INTO THE WINDOW! THE GOD DAMN WINDOW IS CRACKED!' "

Lula piped up through her gasps for air, "And I'm not even freakin' unconscious the whole time, I was just so high that I couldn't move or speak or ANYTHING! But I realized, oh fuck, he's calling the fuckin' cops. My dad's gonna lose his shit if he even finds out that Cyr is in my room! So I find the strength to open my eyes."

"And the only think this bitch says is "Did you just call me your girlfriend?". I tell the cops nevermind, it's a false call, blah blah blah. Then the only fuckin' thing I can think to say back to Lula is, "Yeah.. Sorry about the window." "

Externally your body couldn't control the laughter that was escaping from your chest. Internally, you felt so sorry for these people.. Sorry for their future selves, sorry for their children. You thought about the heartache that they were inevitably setting themselves up for. You'd witnessed it in your own parents. You saw it in Val's mother every single day. One day, maybe just once, one of them would slip up. That's just what happens. Or at least, that's what you'd been raised to believe.

Lula's voice interrupted your harrowing thoughts, "What about you guys?"

"What?"

She clarified, "What about you and V? When did you know he was the one?"

You looked over at your lover for the night questioningly, how were you supposed to answer that? Val was just as high as you were. Mix the drugs with the buzz that your lips had provided him with all night, and he was floating on cloud nine. Val felt like he was on top of the world, nothing could bring him down. On top of that, he felt cocky.

Val looked back at you, his tongue grazing his teeth. You could see the mischief in his eyes. He could've made up anything and it wouldn't have shocked you as bad as what he actually said did.

"I walked in on her eating the soul out of some poor girl through her pussy."

Now that, that elicited a response from his friends. You saw Matt and Cyrus' eyebrows raise at the admission, interested in what else he had to say. But Val - all Val saw was you. Your heart slowed to a near stop and he could tell it by your expression.

This was what all the other guys in your life had lacked. The willingness to rip the reins straight from your hands and control what happened next. Val got off on the realization that this was exactly what was happening.

He continued, "It was before we started dating. We were just friends, she'd gone missing at a party and I was looking for her."

You thought back to that evening just weeks ago. Remembering what you'd worn - nothing but a pair of red string bikini bottoms and a white tank top, tied up above your bellybutton. Trying your best to convince yourself that you hadn't left the house with some sort of ulterior motive, but you knew that this wasn't true.

"I opened a door and saw this nice piece of ass sitting on her fucking beautiful face and I was sold."

Matt spoke to you while trying to hide the half boner that was forming in his jeans, "What'd you do, Elle?"

Your eyes never broke from Val's. You knew what was up, you'd felt the tension between the two of you abruptly change and you played his game, "I watched him.. put on a show for him. I don't even think she knew that he was there. But she was lucky, if he hadn't been I probably wouldn't have made her cum as hard."

You saw that look fall over Val's face. You know the one - lip biting with a slight nod. The one that goes without saying, "Just wait until I get you alone.."

Matt, Cyrus and Lula sensed the sexual tension that hung in the air. It was silent for a moment, you racked your brain for ways to get out of this situation.

Fortunately, Matt lifted himself from the floor, grabbing the dab rig and and butane torch under his arm. It was half past five in the morning when he made his way to the door that sat adjacent to his cozy living room.

He pushed the door open, "You two take the guest room, try to keep it down. Cyr and Lula, ya'll know how the pull out works."

"Oh we know allll about pullin' out." Cyrus commented while playfully kissing his girlfriend's flushed cheeks.

Val nodded toward the guest room and you subtly shook your head up and down, following in his foot steps as he made his way across the living room.

There was something about stepping through that threshold into an empty bedroom with someone who just a few hours ago was only your best friend. You knew that if you made it through that doorway, there was no turning back. Your friendship wouldn't be the same. You'd either burn bright for an eternity, or fizzle and burn out like your parents had.

Fuck it.

The door clicked closed behind you and, without thinking, your fingers turned the lock on the inside of the knob. Ensuring that no one would come barging in at just the wrong moment.

Val heard the click and turned on his heel to face you, ending up much closer to your face than he'd anticipated. You waited. Waited for him to say absolutely anything while breathing in his smokey scent.

Instead he fished the pack of Camels out of his pockets, holding them at his side, "You wanna cig, E?"

"Fuck you, V."

The distance between the two of you disappeared. His lips moved in to meet yours at the same time as you, hitting each other with a burst of passion that the two of you had been unknowingly holding back for years. And this time, it wasn't for show.

Your arms went around his neck, your hands grasping at his soft hair. Val's hands dropped the pack of cigarettes and grasped your waist, squeezing your skin and running his fingers up the back of your shirt like he'd always dreamed of doing.

You spoke to him during the rare times that your mouths separated for air, "Was this part of your plan, too?"

Val started slowly backing you up towards the bed until you fell backwards onto the mattress. Looking up at him in the near darkness as soft rays of moonlight shone through the curtainless windows. He undid his button down and let it fall off of his shoulders, leaving him in the same white v-neck that you were wearing as well.

He fell back on top of you, pausing just far enough from your face so that he could see your expression when he asked, "So what if it was? You want me to stop now?"

You didn't. Good God, you didn't. For the first time in your sex life someone was actually making your heart skip a beat. And it felt so. fucking. good.

He took your silence as an answer, "That's what I fucking thought."

He lowered his lips to the sensitive skin on your neck and ran his tongue against you, eliciting a soft moan from your throat. You felt his lips turn up into a smile at your involuntary response. Your hands went back to his hair, tugging harder whenever he assaulted your throat in just the right spots.

His teeth bit down on the spot right between your collar and neck, "Shhiittt, Val.."

Your hips rolled up, grinding the spot just between your legs against stiffening cock through his jeans. Your nails dug into his shoulder blades.

Even through the barrier of your pants, Val could feel the heat radiating from your sex. He couldn't do this. He knew that at this rate, he would either cum in his pants or the second he slid inside you.

Val sat up with your legs on either side of his waist, taking in the site below him. Your braided hair had began to come undone. He'd thought about how he'd always liked it better that way, a little messy. Your olive skin tinted pink from the blood rushing through every inch of your body.

He pulled his t-shirt over his head while your fingers went to the waistband of your jeans, unhooking the button with ease. Val took over once you had them unzipped, pulling them down your thighs and cursing himself for grabbing a thong when he was packing your bag earlier.

"I'd like to redeem my prize now."

Val broke from his trace, genuinely confused.

You lifted yourself up on your palms, "You owe me an ass kissing, remember?"

He must be dreaming. There's no other explanation, right? The girl who'd won "Best Ass in Class" since sophomore year was giving him the opportunity of the lifetime. But he would never let you see that excitement. 

His finger twirled in a signaling motion, "Bend the fuck over."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys, had to break this up into two chapters because it was gonna run WAY too long!


	7. Arranged Marriage

You sat in the passenger seat of your car with your legs up on the dashboard while your best friend drove, "Why in the fuck would you tell your friends that I'm your GIRLFRIEND, Val?!"

Val groaned and repeated himself for the umpteenth time, "Fucking Christ, Ellie, I already told you! Matt was showing off his girl and it got annoying! I told them that she was alright.."

He shrugged before continuing, "But mine was hotter.."

It was flattering, really. But you didn't like being misrepresented and you definitely didn't like that he waited until NOW to inform you, "You were dating Blair, dude! You could've just shown them a picture of her!"

"You think I have dicks for brains? I thought of that, but Blair wouldn't have impressed anyone! Fuck, she barely impressed me after I got used to her."

You rolled down your window and lit a cigarette, now dreading the night ahead. You'd have to put on a convincing performance. According to Val, his friends simply hadn't believed him. Even with all of the photos he showed them of the two of you. And there were plenty.

Val looked over at you in the passenger seat, leaned back and relaxed in his favorite shirt, "You mad at me?"

"Ugh, no.. but you fucking owe me."

Soon you were rolling through the city and pulling into a sketchy apartment complex parking lot. Val put the car in park next to an old, beat up van. Church van style with most of the paint chipping on all four sides, beside it stood two guys and a girl playing hacky sack.

Val hopped out of the car and shimmied his way into the circle, knocking the sack off of his ankle with the rest of his crew for a few moments until the girl finally missed.

One of the guys threw his arm over the girl's shoulder, "No shame in losing to the best. Right, babe?"

She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms. If this was the Matt that Val was talking about, you weren't sure why he was so intimidated by his girlfriend.

The other guy pulled Val into a handshake/shoulder bump and spoke before you could get a good look at him, "How's it been, V? This your girl?"

He stepped out of the shadows and his dark eyes met yours.

Whoever this guy was, he was fucking hot. He had the most beautiful, pearly white teeth that contrasted against his dark skin, nearly causing you to melt into a puddle when he flashed you a smile.

Val pulled you into the group under his arm, ready to impress his friends, "Yeah, this is Ellie. Ellie, this is Matt, Cyrus and Lula."

Val noticed that someone was missing, the whole reason why he'd promised to drag you along in the first place, "Where's Elena, Matt?"

Matt. That was the guy you were fawning over. He shrugged and pulled out his vape, taking a long, bubbling hit, "Hell if I know, we broke up like two weeks ago."

A sort of sadistic happiness consumed Val's heart when he heard the news. After listening to their sexcapades and him bragging about their relationship for a full week, he was almost glad that things had ended sour. Though now.. Val noticed that Matt hadn't taken his eyes off of you. He tightened his grip around your shoulders, causing a chill to creep up your spine.

Cyrus, a guy around your age with a full head of hair tied up into a man bun, broke the short moment of silence, "Good, she sounded like a cunt anyways. Are we doing this or are we doing this?"

Matt's eyes finally broke away from yours as he slid open the van door, "We're fuckin' doing this. Let's go, I've got the perfect spot."

You were still being left in the dark. Val guided you into the back of the car with a protective hand on your lower back. A warm heat grew in his chest when he noticed Matt's wandering eyes watching your ass as you bent over to get into the car.

You, Val and Lula sat on the floor in the back of the van while Matt and Cyrus took the front. All of the seats had been removed and replaced with floor pillows, a bean bag and a few comforters. It was nice, in a stoner-esque sort of way.

Lula had a sweet voice. She was a cute girl, just not your cup of tea. She was thin with dark hair, bangs that were cut straight across her forehead and far above her eyebrows.

"What's that juice you're vaping?" She tried to guess, "Bourbon and tobacco?"

You pulled out your pack of camels, "Close, menthol and cancer."

Cyrus piped up from the front seat, looking at you through the rear view mirror, "Ellie, how did you meet Val?"

You recounted that day as if it was just last week. Your dad was freshly unemployed and searching for something under the table. He dragged you next door to the Bilzerian home, ready and willing to sign the devil's book if it meant he'd have the means to support his family.

You could still hear your dad's thick accent in your ear, "Go play with the boys, mija."

He left you alone in the backyard with Kurt and Val while they went to go talk about "grown up stuff". It wasn't long before Kurt, a mountain of a boy, pushed you down into the dirt. Your palms were scuffed and red and you were this close to running away crying.

That was when Val stepped in. He kicked his big brother right in the dick and then laughed at his pain before helping you up.

You snapped back to reality, responding fondly, "Our parents more or less arranged our unholy union at birth."

Cyrus snickered, "Sick, your parentals chose which child they wanted to bone their daughter?"

You looked up at Val, cutting your eyes and deciding that if he was gonna put you through this you were at least going to have some fun with it, "Lucky for me they had good taste. Right, **babe**?"

Val heard the sudden drop in your tone and felt his cheeks flush. Now aware that he wasn't the one holding the reigns this evening at all.

~

Matt pulled through an alleyway in Brooklyn. It was well lit, not too dirty, and free of homeless people. The lot of you loaded out of the van and met him at the back where he pulled open two doors, revealing four wide milk crates full of aerosol cans.

"Tagging? We haven't been tagging since we were like, fifteen."

Matt started rearranging the cans, making sure each crate had one of each color and tossing them to each of the other guys, "Tagging is for gang members. Think of this as.. street art."

You followed Val to the large, blank canvas in the form of a red brick wall, "So this is what we're gonna do-"

He lowered his lips down to your ear and whispered his vision into it. It would take a while. Hours, actually, but you could get it done.

Cyrus and Lula took the space a couple of meters down from you, Matt took the side opposite them. Each team working on their own, personal piece of art.

Cans filled with navy blue, black, purple and white scattered around Val's feet while yours were surrounded by tans, golds, red and emerald greens.

You hadn't anticipated the heights that your painting would reach, and without a ladder in sight, it seemed like this mural would only end up half finished.

After a couple of hours, Val stepped back to admire your hard work so far.

"You're gonna have to finish this solo, E."

You knew what he was insinuating but before you could object, Val kneeled down and shoved his head between you knees. Lifting your feet off of the ground and onto his shoulders as you squealed in protest.

For a brief moment you felt unsteady, gripping Val's hair for balance.

"Chill, babe. You're not gonna fall, I've got you."

God, your heart swooned. It was late, close to 1 am - you felt your entire body giving off heat. You pushed your feelings aside, he's just playing the part. Don't think too into it.

You spent the next two hours trading him cans of spray paint. Greys, blacks, whites, reds and different shades of brown. By the end of it, your arms looked bruised solely from the backsplash.

"Back up, let me see how it looks."

A wolf in sheep's clothing. His mask baring a stark resemblance to Guy Bilzerian himself. The others narrowly finished at the same time as you, their murals representing political campaigns and the fight against big tobacco. 

Matt stood in awe, "Hm, guess you guys really do make a good team.."

You felt Val's hands move from your ankles, where he was holding them against his chest, up to your thighs that rested on his shoulders. Squeezing them ever so lightly, "We know."

A small bolt of pain shot through your muscles as he squeezed. For a while you'd completely forgotten about your volleyball game and how hard you'd worked during it.

"Let's get out of here before some pigs drive by. We going back to your place, Matty?"

Cyrus asked and Matt tossed the keys to him, "Just signed my lease. You drive, I'm taking the back with V and... Elle."

Val was kneeled down, letting you off of his shoulders when he heard the news. Or better yet, when he heard the way Matt said your name. Like he was challenging what was really there, testing how strong your imaginary relationship really was.

The van door slid open and Val stepped in before you, plopping into the large beanbag that rested on the microfiber carpeting. You fully intended to take the seat on the floor next to him, except you felt a tug on the belt loop of your jeans when you went to move past him.

Val pulled you down across his lap, wrapping one arm possessively around your waist and resting the other on your knee.

He pulled your ear to his lips before you could flash him a confused look. His voice growling low, "If he looks at you like that one more fucking time I'm going to rip his eyes out of their god damn sockets."

To say you were caught off guard was an understatement. Val had always been protective of you, and you him. But this was pure jealousy, possessiveness at its most raw form. It was a side of his that you'd never seen before but unexpectedly enjoyed.

You glanced at Matt out of the corner of your eye. Sure enough, he was glaring at the arm resting across your thighs.

So you played along - holding the side of Val's face lovingly and mimicking his movements, moving your lips to his ear this time.

"You really wanna make him jealous?"

Val nodded his head gently, that pins and needles feeling covering his skin as your warm breath hit his neck.

You moved one arm behind his neck, the other remaining on the side of his face. You couldn't bare to look him in the eyes before doing what you were about to do, so instead you planted tiny kissed across his cheek. Trailing them slowly along his jaw until your lips stopped just in front of his. The width of a strand of hair the only thing separating the two of you.

You could feel his heart racing in his chest. He'd involuntarily stopped breathing as he prayed for you to close the small gap.

One last whisper escaped your throat that only he could hear, "Is this what you want?"

Val leaned into you, his grip around your waist tightening. Pulling your chest against his as your lips connected. His tongue didn't even have to ask for permission to enter, you gladly let him in. Tasting tonight's cigarettes on his breath gave you a nicotine rush that you hadn't felt in years. Not since picking up your very first cancer stick.

When your faces finally separated you were floating in a dream like state. Giving him a final, small kiss to seal the deal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More fluff, smut and NSFW content next chapter!


	8. Bear Trap

You smiled like a kid on Christmas morning while hopping up onto your knees, taking the time to unhook and pull off your bra underneath your shirt before spinning around on the bed. Crawling as sexually as you could to the headboard, peeking over your shoulder to see the look of pure amazement on Val's face.

"Holy.. fuck."

Val unbuttoned his jeans and let them drop around his feet before kneeling onto the mattress behind you. You felt it dip as he inches closer.. and closer.

Meanwhile Val was staring down at the most perfect ass he'd ever laid eyes on. Genes were mostly to thank, but the squats you did during volleyball practice definitely helped.

His hand reached out and stroked your bare skin then, through the darkness, you heard a loud SMACK!

Accompanied shortly after by an arousing tinge of sharp, stinging pain. Val's palm met your ass with force that wasn't to be reckoned with. You winced and sucked in a deep breath through your teeth, startled by his action.

Val panicked, his hand having come down out of pure habit. A habit that had gotten him cursed at and even slapped a time or two. He was terrified that you were going to hop up, spin around, and deck him with an uppercut to the chin. That would be the end of your lifelong friendship.

Meanwhile your mind raced with lustful joy. Finally, fucking finally, someone was challenging you. It was everything that you'd hoped and prayed for with your previous partners. Something they'd never delivered and usually the reason that you'd ultimately become bored with them all.

Val's palm lingered on your smooth skin after the smack, waiting for the consequences. But they never came. You remained bent at the waist below him, ready to collect your prize.

And he willingly gave it to you. His free palm met your other cheek and groped you gently as he leaned down, his lips meeting your warm skin. Mouth slightly ajar so his teeth gently grazed your back side, like a predator taking the smallest taste of their prey. And to this predator, he was tasting the sweetest meat he'd ever gotten his grimy paws on. He wanted to savor that taste for as long as possible before ravenously feasting on it.

You felt Val's tender kiss land on the same spot where his hand had just assaulted you. And then another, and another. The fourth came as a light nibble as he sunk his teeth into your flesh.

A full blown moan escaped your throat. Not a deep breath or a wince of pain. A long, heart, lustful moan that caused Val's cock to twitch underneath his boxers. He wanted to hear that moan every day of his life, he wanted it to be the last thing he heard before descending to the other side.

His lips forming a smile against your skin and you heard his muffled words, "So that's the type of shit you like.."

It wasn't a question and he wasn't looking for a response. He was more speaking to himself, responding to his own internal monologue. His lips resumed, kissing their way down to the smooth spot where your ass meets your thighs. You became increasingly aware of where he was heading.

You held your breath as Val's mouth hovered over your scarcely covered mound. You held your breath until your lungs burned, aching for air.

And then you felt him retreat. Cold air hit the back of your thighs as there was suddenly so much space between the two of you. You turned to look behind you sharply, wondering if you'd done something wrong.

"What's wro-"

Before you could get the words out, Val was sliding onto the bed beside you. No, underneath you. His hands squeezed your ass hard, lifting your legs over either side of his waist so you were straddling him.

Val sat up with you on his lap, your most intimate parts now separated by only a few pieces of thin fabric. His hand slipped between your laps while your lips found each other's once again.

He was trying to smoothly fish his cock out of his boxers, aching to find his way inside of you. Val knew that had Maury still been around, he'd be cheering him on from the sidelines. The devil on his shoulder with no angel in sight to convince him otherwise.

"Val wait-"

While fireworks and hand grenades were going off in his mind, yours was now racing with confusion. Call it what you will; anxiety, a bad high, buyer's remorse. But it felt like your first time all over again and you were suddenly terrified. Terrified that your entire relationship was about to change all because he wanted to show off to his friends for a night.

His lips and hands halted and you continued, "Stop. I can't do this. I can't-"

That was all he needed to hear. He raised his hands from between the two of you in a surrendering motion. Val Bilzerian may be a crude ass, but he knew the meaning of consent. Where that angel should've been resting on his shoulder now stood a tiny, greenish monster of a man. Whispering his deepest insecurities in his ear, you bloody creep.. Trying to stick your penis inside her without even asking..

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry, I should've asked and-"

Your palms rubbed your face as you remained on his lap, pulling your lips even further away from his and trying to make sense of why you couldn't go through with it this time.

"No, don't apologize. I just.. this isn't right. Not here. Not like this."

Val understood what you meant. He'd secretly dreamed of this moment for years, he didn't want to spoil it with a bad high in a house full of people that were listening.

"You're right, this is seedy as hell. I'll just-"

Val moved his hands back to your hips in an attempt to slide out from under you, but you remained stationary. Your thighs wouldn't budge from either side of his lap. He looked up to meet your gaze, confused, and was met with a suspicious half smirk.

"I mean.. I wasn't gonna leave us both with blue balls. I just don't wanna fuck you tonight."

Val didn't understand your proposal. Oral? Mutual masturbation?

You pressed your spread hips further down onto his lap. He hadn't been able to pull his cock out in time, but he'd gotten close.. you felt it through the few clothes that the two of you still had on. He suddenly understood what you meant when he felt your warmth grinding against him.

Val's fingers involuntary dug into your bare skin and a deep moan rolled off of his tongue.

You thought for a moment about all the boy moans you'd heard in the past couple of years. Hell, even all the girl ones. About how, somehow, none of them sounded quite as sweet as Val's. None of them were nearly as addicting.

That was when he caught on. He nodded his head gently, telling you that this was exactly what he wanted, and your finger weaved their way back into his hair. His kiss was different this time, though.. it was slow. Not hastily rushed like before. He just wanted to taste you this time, hear the sounds that your tongues made as they made love to each other.

Meanwhile, his contracted palms on your hips started controlling your every movement. He pushed and pulled them with ease while grinding up against you.

All of the friction cause his erection to find its way to freedom. You could feel his hot skin against your own, it wasn't like the tiny thong you were wearing was really hiding much to begin with.

You reached down swiftly, pulling the fabric to the side and pausing for just a moment to remind him, "We're not playing 'Just the Tip', V. Don't you dare-"

He pressed his curved up lips against yours again to hush you, "I won't, baby. I want whatever you want."

You questioned for a second what it really was you wanted when you heard him call you "baby". It came out so naturally, as he'd been calling you that in his head for some time.

Your hips dipped back down and he slid against you with ease. You were soaked, you knew you would be, and now he was too.

Val had never felt such intense pleasure, he moaned into your mouth and you smiled at his response. But you knew, as experienced as he was, he was still a guy. He still wouldn't last long. So you focused on yourself, grinding your clit up and down his veiny shaft that was now soaked with your juices.

"Fffucking shhhit.. god, you're so fucking wet, Ellie.."

Now, you had plenty of kinks, and talking was one of them. Hearing him state what you already knew in his labored voice, it made your stomach churn. You moaned in response and pressed yourself against him harder.

"You like that? You like when I talk to you, baby?"

You whined against his lips and nodded, having become putty in his hands. Val pulled his lips off of yours and wrapped an arm over your shoulder, causing your stiff nipples to press against his dampening chest. His mouth now hovering against your ear.

His breath on your lobe caused you to shudder. Your pace quickened as you felt it building up inside you.

"Shhitt, just like that.. cum on my cock, babe."

That did it for you. You felt your internal cup overflow with pleasure and couldn't stop your moans. You could barely move as the waves rolled over you, burying your face in Val's chest as your chest heaved gently in time with your orgasm.

But Val kept up the pace, dragging his cock up and down your clit in long strokes and digging the nails of his free hand into your soft ass cheeks. Any closer and the two of you would've been one person.

You heard Val's low moans fill your ear and felt warm ropes of cum shooting onto your stomach. After a few moments, his body shook one last time and you rested, defeated, against his chest.

The two of you, covered in sweat and now terribly sleepy, lay against each other. Val's hand lazily stroking your back while you each caught your breath.

You had to move at some point. The two of you were covered in cum, you especially, and your bladder was full.

"Is there, like.. a bathroom? Maybe a rag I can use to wipe your cum off of me?"

You pulled yourself off of Val and steadied your shaking legs on the hardwood floor of the strange apartment.

Val looked down at his stomach, "Ugh, fucking gross. You got it all over me."

You chuckled at the thought of Val Bilzerian being disgusted by semen, "You fucking eat cum on a cracker as a form of cruel entertainment, V. You're welcome."

Val peaked out of the door, making sure the coast was clear. Cyrus and Lula were asleep and half naked on the pull out couch in the living room, Matt's door was shut tight. He led you down the short hallway to the only bathroom in the apartment where the two of you quickly cleaned up before quietly making your way back into the bedroom.

Val pulled the covers up over his chest in the bed and held his arms out for you, like he always did. Except it was different this time. It wasn't the friendly hug that he offered in the hallways of Bridgeton High School. It was a loving embrace.

He fell asleep before you. Long before you, actually. You lay in the dark, surrounded by his arms and a thick comforter. Over time, your high faded and you were now alone with your own thoughts.

That loving embrace turned into a bear trap in your mind. You'd allowed it to sink it's teeth so deep into you that only the hunter, Val, could pry it open. And that relief wouldn't come for hours. Not until the sun rose and you'd be forced to face that consequences of the choices you'd made tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in posting! I accidentally didn’t publish Wednesday’s chapter.  
> Next chapter I’ll resume with an *actual* storyline, not just smut.  
> Talk to me!


	9. Dog-Eat-Dog

The two of you snuck out of the inner city apartment early that morning, before Val's friends woke up. You wouldn't have been able to bare playing husband and wife any longer. Not to them, not to Val, and not to yourself. Having come to terms with the fact that everything that'd happened the night before was **exactly** that - playing. Pretend. Make believe.

It was a guise that you'd let go too far, having been swept away in the hopes that you could wake up and this would now be your normal routine. The universe would fall into place, stars would finally align, and you both would admit to each other what you'd been holding in for so long.

No, that wasn't what happened. You laid awake all night, not catching a wink of sleep, remembering who you were and who you were lying against. You remembered that you and Val were birds of a feather, exactly alike in more ways than you were opposite. And to put it bluntly, the two of you used people.

Val found a sick warmth in watching guys sulk around the hallways after you'd grown bored with them, and you relished in the jealousy of his many girlfriends once they realized they couldn't drive a wedge between you two.

There was no question about what happened in the shadows of that bedroom - you'd become one of those girls. You'd fallen for his trap, and you'd allowed him to use you as well. But it would be a cold day in hell before you went all the way with someone that you didn't have the upper hand on.

So you sat in the driver's seat of your old banger with your hand hanging out the window, cigarette between your fingers. Your bloodshot eyes resting above dark bags and your messy braid from the evening before was now pulled down and thrown up until a ponytail.

Val sensed that something wasn't right. He searched his memory for something - anything - that he might've done wrong.

_Is she not a cuddler? Was that weird?_ No. You guys always sat closely on your bed, you'd never recoiled when he'd pulled your legs over his lap on the couch in his basement.

_Was it the smack??_ Again, he recalled you being completely into it just a few hours prior.

He couldn't think of anything.

_"You okay, Ellie? You're quiet.."_

What were you supposed to say? "Actually, I'm in love with you and always have been. I can't bare the thought of you using me or me using you so we either need to get married or forget that last night ever happened."

You took your eyes off of the road for just a moment and turned toward him, putting on a false smile.

_"I just didn't sleep good. That bed was shit, I'm gonna nap when I get home."_

The fakest, most convincing smile you'd ever worn. It made perfect sense to Val.

Throwing out your cigarette butt before you pulled into the driveway. The sun had just barely made its way over the horizon but the sky was still dark. Covered almost completely with swollen clouds that were filled with big, fat rain drops.

You bumped the car door closed with your hip and drug your feet up the cobblestone walkway to the door. Right past Val, who was fully expecting _something._ At least more than the cold shoulder that he was at the frozen end of.

Val took offense, cutting his eyes at you and asking himself, _what_ _the_ ** _fuck_** _is her deal??_

Instead of asking you directly, he mumbled under his breath, _"All right, bye,_ ** _I guess_** _."_

You heard his tone. It stopped you dead in your tracks. If this had been any other guy, anyone at all, you would've burst into laughter at his petty remark. Instead you almost felt guilty, punishing him because _you_ were the one who'd always been too attached.

_"Sorry, V, I just need some sleep. I'll text you later, okay?"_

He nodded solemnly but you still caught him eying you up and down, searching for a clue as to what was going on inside your head. You turned away before he could find one, unlocking the door and closing it quietly behind you.

~

You dropped your sling bag onto the floor in the hallway and rubbed your temples, your nostrils burned every time you inhaled and you could nearly feel your pulse in your own eyeballs. The tell-tale signs that there was an impending migraine in your near future. Kicking off your shoes, you shuffled around the corner and into the kitchen.

_"Ya es tarde, Eleanor. Donde estuviste toda la noche?"_

Your dad sat in a stool at the bar, flipping through the Miami Herlad that he had specially delivered every week.

_"It's not late, dad, it's early. I just stayed over at a friend's. I thought you weren't due back in town until Tuesday?"_

He peaked over the tall, grey and white parchment, _"Mhm, "a friend". Amigas don't give amigas hickies, mija."_

Your eyes shot up from the bottle of Excedrin Migrain that you were emptying into your hand, suddenly remembering that you'd briefly allowed Val to mark you as his own. Your father looked at you with a cocked brow, you knew there was no use lying to him.

You let out an exasperated sigh, _"Fine. I was out with a guy. We didn't do anything_ ** _like that_** _, and even if we did-"_

_"I know, I know."_ He folded his newspaper and got up from his place at the bar, wrapping his arm around your shoulder proudly, _"You're smart, mi amor. You're my daughter! You have to be!"_

He kissed you playfully on the top of the head and his laughter boomed in your ear. This was the side of your dad that you loved to be around, the side that you missed during all of those out of town "work trips".

_"Just remember what_ _your_ _papá always told you-"_

You rolled your eyes, reciting the words that you'd heard over and over again in time with him, _"It's a dog-eat-dog world-"_

You continued without him, he knew you knew the rest, _"Except I'm the pitbull, and they're all kittens. I got it, papá."_

He smiled and ruffled your hair, _"That's my girl."_

Popping the pills into your mouth and downing them with a swig of water, you rounded the counter on your way up the stairwell.

_"Mija!"_

You stopped in your tracks, looking over your shoulder to see what else your father could possibly have to say this early in the morning.

_"Tell me it wasn't one of the Bilzerian boys."_

The playfulness had fallen from his face. He now bared the hard, stern expression of an over protective father. One that didn't want his daughter getting hurt. Little did he know, you were already there, you'd done it to yourself.

You rolled your eyes, lying to his face, _"No, dad. Val and I are just friends. You know that."_

He nodded you off, allowing you to finish climbing the steps up to your bedroom.

******* Val's POV *******

I slammed the front door behind me and stormed through the dark house, praying that Kurt and Jay hadn't eaten all of the day-old Big Macs that mom came home with yesterday.

Ruffling through the shredded bags, yes, there was one left. I bit into it and let it soothe my grumbling stomach. Though soon, the love I was making to this burger was interrupted by a loud, wet, belch.

**_"BUUUUURRPPPP!"_ **

I chuckled through a full mouth, _"Nice one, bro."_

Kurt stumbled in through the doorframe, obviously hung over. He grabbed a beer from the fridge, there's nothing that cures a hangover quite like getting drunk all over again. I leaned back against the counter, _"What'd you get into last night?"_

_"Ahaha, some bitch's panties. She just left before you got home. What about you?"_

He tossed me a beer and I washed my mouth out with it, _"Took Ellie to meet some guys from Vape Camp, smoked. We ended up staying over at Matt's place."_

_"Let me guess, she let Matt slam it home while you listened from the other room?"_

It wasn't so much of a question as it was an accusation. My face twisted up in confusion, I never quite understood why he had such a disdain for the girl.

_"No, you fat fuck, we stayed in the spare while Matt probably jacked it listening to-"_

I swear to God I was gonna say Lula and Cyr, but he cut me off before I could finish.

_"Awww shit! Ellie finally let you get your dick wet?!"_

He reached out to lazily fist bump me, a "man hug", you know the kind. But I mean.. was he wrong? Ellie and I **didn't** fuck, but we didn't exactly.. **not** fuck either, right?

_"Ha, yeah man, we finally.. uh, we finally hooked up. Listen don't.. don't tell anyone though. I don't want rumors started, you know."_

Kurt had already pulled out his phone, I knew what he was doing, _"Mhm, whatever. Good job, bro! It's about fucking time that little cock tease let you hit it."_

He finished off the last of his beer and started back through the living room, yelling over his shoulder, _"Later I wanna hear more about that sweet fuckin' ass!"_

I felt my blood heat up, not enough to boil but enough to make my fingers clench into my palm.

_"Yeah. Right.."_

Shame washed over me. By Monday, this would be front page of the Bridgeton High Weekly Newsletter. I could just picture it, **_EXTRA! EXTRA! Read all about it! Val and Ellie finally ran out of other people to fuck over so they decided to LITERALLY fuck each other!_**

In reality, it was just me fucking _her_ over. And our friendship. And whatever the fuck _could've_ came had I simply not lied to my friends about who I was **actually** fucking over the summer.

My phone dinged in my pocket. God damn, word spread fast these days.. I fully expected it to be Micah or Devin. Fuck, even Judd Birch, I knew that creepy fuck had a thing for Ellie. He was probably texting us both to ask if it was true.

_Dad: Great job, son. Don't worry about wrapping it, she can use Taffiny's punch card for the abortion factory. One more hole and she gets her 10th free!_

I shut the whole thing down and shoved it back into my jeans, dragging my feet up the stairs where I'd spend the rest of my weekend while waiting for this whole thing to implode.


	10. Camel 99s

_Val's not like that. Not to me, anyways. I just need to stop overreacting, why am I freaking out so hard? I_ **_liked_ ** _what happened Friday night and so did he. Come on, you can do this._

You thought to yourself while taking a deep breath before walking through the double doors at Bridgeton High School on Monday morning. You hadn't picked Val up for school as usual that day, having seen him hop into Micah's car just as you were waking up.

Your day went on _almost_ as normal, save a handful of people whispering behind their hands while staring right at you. _Did I accidentally wear my see through leggings?_ You ignored it, it wasn't unusual for degenerates to be talking about you anyways.

Halfway through the school day and it was time for lunch, a honeycrisp apple like always. The bell rang and you shoved your books into your locker, slamming the metal door closed.

_"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN??"_

Your heart would've jumped right out of your ribcage had your hand not flown to your chest, stilling it.

_"Jesus Christ, Leah! What did I tell you about scaring the shit out of me?!"_

She waved a bossy finger in your face, looking something between excited and angry all at once, _"And what did_ ** _I_** _tell_ ** _you_** _about hiding things from me??"_

She followed you on your way to the lunchroom, _"Walk and tal_ _k. What_ _are you talking about_ _? If this is about our game, I figured you'd hear it through the grapevine. That little freshman is gonna take us to regionals this year!"_

The two of you found Talulah in the lunch line, cutting in front of dozens of students to join her, she bared the same suspicious grin that Leah held.

_"Oh, fuck the volleyball game! You know exactly what we're talking about, fess up!"_

Talulah and Leah watched your face draw a blank, it dawned on them that the rumors circulating their way around the school may not have made it to you yet. And while you had all but forgotten about how your weekend went, you never considered that Val might do what all guys do - brag.

The two girls looked at each other, debating who should be the one to break the news. Eventually, it was decided without saying that Talulah would be the one, _"Oh.. Elle, people are kinda saying that.. that you and Val.. y'know."_

Heat filled your face. You felt it in your ears first, then it slowly spread to your cheeks, _"What in the_ ** _fuck_** _are you talking about?"_

This time, Leah spoke, _"Well, I heard it from Judd. Judd said that he heard it from Kurt, and according to Kurt, you let Val_ _..._ _"slam it home"."_

You know that saying, the one where if a girl laughs when she's angry, you should **definitely** be afraid? It's absolutely true. The warmth spread down your throat and over your chest, you skin tingling. Your eyes scanned the lunchroom, over the tops of heads and across tables, searching for the mop that sat atop Val's head.

_"That motherfucker.."_

Fuck eating lunch, you drilled your apple onto the tiled floor at your feet and stormed off in search of who was now Public Enemy #1 in your eyes.

Val was nowhere to be found in the lunchroom or Commons Area. You searched through every lunch detention classroom he was usually condemned to, not there either. You even looked in the Junior Hall boys bathroom, the nicest in the school, all you found was a couple of embarrassed sixteen-year-olds.

Laughing from around the corner caught your attention, you'd recognize that stupid laugh anywhere. It was the unofficial smoking spot at Bridgeton High, a dead end hallway with no classrooms or offices, just a janitors closet that hadn't been used in decades.

You rounded the row of lockers and set your sights on the group of boys that were passing a joint around in the far corner. Micah, Devin, Kurt, and.. there he was. You stormed down the hallway, it's emptiness giving you away almost immediately as your footsteps reverberated between the walls.

Micah laughed and made the comment to Val, _"Oohh, shit, there's your girl, V. Ya'll want some_ ** _alone_** _time?"_

You answered before Val could, _"No, that's fine! I prefer a crowd."_

The closer you got, Val knew he was fucked. The guys could tell you were fuming, your naturally crimson hair now seemed to be in flames. They separated, breaking the semi-circle that had formed and allowed you through.

Your hands met his chest with a forceful shove, causing his back to hit the lockers. He may have been knocked off his feet had you not gripped the collar of his zip-up jacket.

_"What in the_ **_FUCK_ ** _is wrong with you, Val?!"_

Val regretted more than anything smoking that joint, his hazy mind was too clouded to save himself. He stumbled over his words while the dial lock jabbed him right between the shoulder blades, _"I dunno what you're talking about, Ellie."_

Playing dumb, for some reason **that** was the best course of action in his mind right now. His ignorance angered you even more, blood rushed to your knuckles as you squeezed your hands even tighter around his collar, pulling him toward you and then slamming him against the locker again with a loud _THUNK!_

_"Don't you_ **_dare_ ** _lie to me! You're telling everyone that we fucked, dude. Why?!"_

The guys surrounding you raised their eyebrows, waiting for Val to either admit that he had lied or challenge your accusation. Val contemplated for a moment before a nervous laugh escaped his lips and he responded, _"Aha.. I mean, did we not?.."_

Dumbfounded was the only word that could describe how you suddenly felt. You'd spent two full days convincing yourself that Val would never fuck you over, he'd never treat you the way he did those other girls. Realizing that you were wrong, that you'd always been wrong about him, it was soul crushing. You could feel your icy heart shatter in your chest. The boiling blood that was flowing through every inch of your body ran cold in an instant and your grip loosened on his jacket.

_"Val-"_ You spoke his name as if it were going to bring him out of whatever spell he was under, _"are you being serious right now? Like are you really doing this to me?"_

Val watched your expression change from seething to simply.. disappointed. There was no saving himself now. He rubbed the nape of his neck, not proud of how he was treating you in the presence of his "friends", _"Look.. I get it if you regret what_ _we did_ _, E. But like.. it happened. You don't need to lie about it."_

In the midst of all of this, Kurt had the audacity to mumble under his breath, _"Not like it's a secret that you put out anyways..."_

That relit the fire in your veins, you turned in an instant and your fist shot out in front of you. Kurt had a good six inches of height on you, but he couldn't prepare for something he never expected. Your knuckles met him square in the face and you felt his nose crunch underneath them, blood flowing onto your fingers and down his chin.

_"Oh, shhittt!" "Haha! Fucking uppercut from a chick!"_ The guys doubled over laughing at Kurt, who was now choking on his own blood.

But Val's eyes held onto yours, blank and expressionless as he came to terms with the decision that he'd made. He started to reach out for you, "Ellie.."

You jerked your body away from him, tears teetering on the brim of your waterline, _"You know what fucking sucks? I waited for that day for_ ** _years_** _, and I feel like you did too.. and now you've ruined it."_

Val made another move toward you, _"Ellie, wait, can we just-"_

You turned on your heel, making your way calmly back down the corridor while mumbling over your should, _"Just go fuck yourself, V. We both know I didn't."_

Talulah and Leah took notice of your bloody knuckles back at the lunch table, Leah wincing at the sight, _"Ouch, is that yours or Val's?.."_

She handed you a napkin to help clean it off, _"Kurt's. I probably have fucking HIV now.."_

They'd more or less realized that the rumors were just that - rumors, but Talulah inquired anyways, _"Soo I'm assuming Val lied about the whole thing?"_

You shrugged, _"Not all of it, I guess.. I think I'm gonna dip out for the rest of the day."_

They understood. It was one thing to have the truth about something you'd wanted to remain private spread around, but when it was a lie, it sucked a lot more. They'd both been through that with Daniel.

Leah slid you her carton of chocolate milk, knowing you were about to go kill yourself at the gym and would appreciate having it for your post-workout, _"Text us if you need us, sis. You wanna have a slumber party at my place this weekend so you can give us the actual details?"_

You nodded, stuffing the carton into your bag, _"Yeah, I'd like that. I'll catch you guys later."_

All eyes were on you as you walked through the lunchroom, you now knew what all the whispers were about. It was a relief to feel the fresh air on your face as you walked out of the school and to your car at the far end of the parking lot. You needed a cigarette before you could even think about getting behind the wheel, your hands shaking far too violently right now to steer.

Leaning over your seat and grabbing your pack of Camels. _Fuck, of course it's empty.._

You sighed and sat with your legs hanging out of the door, elbows rested on your knees and face buried in your hands.

_"This what you need?"_

A deep, rough voice interrupted your self-loathing thoughts. You looked up to see Judd Birch standing in front of you, holding a pack of Camel 99s. He took one out for himself before tossing the pack to you.

_"I prefer methols, but this will work."_ You took out your own stoge and lit it, handing the pack back to him, _"Thanks. What are you doin' here?"_

He leaned beside you, against your back passenger side door, _"Came to match with the Bilzerians. Figured it was best not to get involved when I saw you_ _sucker punch_ _Kurt through the emergency door window. Nice shot, by the way."_

A compliment from Judd Birch, they were few and far between, but when he gave them, he meant them.

You scoffed, _"It was a cheap shot but he deserved it.. I'm assuming Bridgeton's latest rumor has already reached you, too."_

Judd had been one of the first to hear it from Kurt himself. The only difference between him and Micah or Devin was that he knew it wasn't true. Atleast, not fully true, like most other things that came out of Kurt's mouth. Micah, Devin and Kurt had all ran with the lie, texting it to everyone they thought might be interested and turning it into something much more than what it actually had been. Judd, on the other hand, had just tossed his phone back on his bed and continued writing his manifesto.

_"I don't pay attention to obvious lies unless they benefit me in some way."_

You glanced up at Judd, who was solemnly staring at the traffic that passed in front of the school. You took another drag of the cigarette and probed further, _"Just out of curiosity.. why don't you believe it?"_

Judd looked down at you while blowing out smoke, admiring the way the bright sun made your hair shine, _"Val wouldn't be acting like such a little prick if it were true. He was fucking pining after you for years, if it were true he'd be following you around like a lovesick puppy."_

Was that a second compliment from Judd? Two in one day? You wondered what you'd done to be so lucky.

You tossed your cigarette out and scoffed, _"Now, that's being generous. I don't recall you acting that way afterwards."_

Judd watched a playful expression replace the sadness on your face and he couldn't stop the slightly embarrassed grin from showing on his own.

_"Shut up, idiot. That was different."_

You pulled your legs inside your car and turned your key in the ignition. Judd held open the pack of cigarettes and extended his hand toward you, _"Take another one for the road."_

You happily obliged, pulling another stick from the pack and letting it rest behind your ear for safe keeping, _"Thanks, I'll get you back on Friday."_

_"Keep your shitty menthols. See you around, Rojas."_

Judd shut the door for you, watching your car disappear down the road before lighting another cigarette and reminiscing on that night he'd spent with you almost three years ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is somehow turning into a Val x Reader x Judd drama.


	11. Fuck/Marry/Kill

It seemed like all you did was blink and it was suddenly Friday afternoon, you were pacing the back of the volleyball court just waiting to save the ball from hitting the ground. Though with this new freshman on the front lines, your job was being made a lot easier.

You only had to dive against the hard gymnasium floor once during the entire game, the other team hadn't stood a chance. Soon the buzzer was blaring with students, teachers and parents all cheering for your second win of the season. You looked up into the crowd, searching for someone you knew - Leah, Tules, you dad. You saw your two best friends, but not before locking eyes with Val. Your heart dropped and you quickly diverted your gaze.

It was an easy win, the girls didn't need a pep talk afterwards so you just made sure they all found their parents as the crowds dispersed. Leah and Talulah met you in the locker room after everyone else had cleared out.

_"All right, spill it! What_ **_actually_ ** _happened last week?"_

The girls stood outside of the shower stall while you rinsed yourself of all your sweat. You'd nearly scrubbed yourself clean of everything that'd happened last weekend, _"Ugh.. I'm a fucking idiot, that's what happened."_

Leah giggled, _"Well duh, but elaborate."_

You massaged you're scalp with shampoo and let out a huge sigh before telling **your** side of the story for the first time, _"Fucking Val lied to his Vape Camp friends over the summer and told them we were dating because he was already planning to break it off with Blair. So I went along with it, whatever, pretending to be his girlfriend for the night. Blah, blah, blah, we ended up making out to make his friend Matt jealous."_

Tules interrupted, _"Oooh, was Matt hot??"_

_"Yeah, dude! I'm pissed, I could've hooked up with him and then wouldn't be dealing with this shit right now! Anyways, at some point we were just like.. making out. Not to make anyone jealous, just because it was nice. But we didn't fuck, we did other shit, but we did_ **_not_ ** _hook up."_

The girls were sluts for drama, so they wanted to know more. Leah asked, _"Okay but what do you mean by "other shit"? Like did you blow him?"_

_"No! We pretty much just fucking humped each other. And he acted like he was okay with that! I even told him that I_ **_wanted_ ** _to_ _sleep with him_ _, just not in some strange house with a bunch of people listening!"_

Leah and Talulah looked at each other and shook their heads, thoroughly disappointed, _"What an ungrateful little shit. What kind of world do we live in where you dry hump a dude, promise him future sex, and he still feels the need to lie about it?"_

While the girls were sympathetic, you knew they couldn't fully understand. Even though you'd had a little crush on Val, you weren't heart broken. You just felt betrayed because you knew you would've never done anything like this to him. Especially not to impress your other friends.

You shut off the shower and rung out your hair, wrapping a towel around you before stepping out, _"I guess I'll have to talk to him face to face at some point. He's been blowing up my phone all week. I just need some girl time tonight, though."_

Leah threw her arm around your damp shoulder, _"I got you, chick. Now hurry up! I told mom you were coming over, she's making empanadas just for you!"_

Ah, Diane. She'd been your stand in mom for the past ten years. When you'd gotten your first period, you went to her. When you wanted to get your ears pierced, she was the one who took you. Your hand held your chest lovingly, _"_ _Mmm_ _, when I get the death penalty for murdering the Bilzerians I'm gonna tell them I want Diane Birch's empanadas for my last meal."_

_~_

The girls loaded into your car and soon you were all barreling through the front door of the Birch house. Your second home. The sweet scent of fresh dough filled the air, you floated into the kitchen, your nose leading the way.

_"Mamá Birch, ¿estás segura de que no eres mi madre biológica?"_

Diane stood over a sizzling pan filled with cooking oil, she laughed gracefully while fishing out an assortment of stuffed pockets, _"Oh, Eleanor. As much as Elliot and I adore you, I'm fairly certain I didn't give birth to a fourth child."_

Judd entered through the back door, having caught the brief banter between you and his mom, _"Technically she would've been the second born. We can always drop Nick off in a basket outside of the fire station."_

Leah ruffled Nick's hair, who was busy setting the table with his father, _"It's too late, we already named him."_

Even Judd laughed at that one. Nick's eyes shot daggers in the direction of his older siblings.

You sat between Leah and Talulah at the dinner table, biting off the edges of savory empanadas and filling them with hot sauce before devouring them. They were heavenly, almost as good as the ones your dad brought home from Colombia after his rare trips back to the motherland.

When the dishes sat empty and everyone had had their fill, all that remained was a table surrounded by the closest thing to a real "family" you'd known in a long time. Leah and Diane bickered semi-playfully over what Leah planned to do for her eighteenth birthday party in the coming months.

_"I'm gonna get my belly button pierced and get a tattoo and-"_

_"Oh, I don't think so young lady."_

Their voices floated around you, you were only half aware of what everyone's conversations entailed before Elliot's cheerful voice interrupted, _"I would just like to say that I, for one, am so blessed to have a kitchen full of such wonderful offspring. Even those of you that may or may not have been beautifully pushed through my lovely wife's birth canal-"_

Judd cut in, disgusted, _"Ugh, sick, dad..."_

_"Juddy, it is your right to have that opinion. And I am_ **_proud_ ** _to have raised such an opinionated son."_

You giggled to yourself at the nickname, knowing that it probably disgusted Judd more than the actual comment itself.

Leah excused the three of you from the table, all of you retreating into the spacious downstairs den. Music was turned on lowly in the background to drown out any wandering ears from hearing the gossip and giggling that was sure to ensue.

_"Okay, okay! Fuck, marry, kill. Sam Baskin, AJ Stone, Chase Baugh."_

Talulah scratched her head for a moment before responding, _"Hmm.. Marry AJ, fuck Sam, kill Chase - because he gave our whole class mono in kindergarten."_

Leah turned her attention toward you as you were checking your phone, another text from Val.

_"Ellie! FMK, choose!"_

You huffed and powered your phone off for the night, _"Can I just kill them all? I don't believe in marriage and I've officially decided to become a born again virgin."_

Talulah and Leah looked at you with air in their cheeks, holding it for barely a moment before you joined them in an outburst of uncontrollable laughter.

_"No, but really. Kill them all, they're all shit anyways. I probably should've just st_ _uck_ _with Alec, he was a good dude."_

You thought back on Alec fondly, he really _was_ a good guy. You just couldn't.. connect with him on a deeper level. You couldn't connect with **anyone** on a deeper level, aside from your former best friend. You felt a slight dropping in your chest thinking about the subject again.

_"I'm gonna go smoke, guys. Be right back."_

You hopped up to your feet and made for the stairs while Leah yelled after you, _"Those things are gonna kill you, y'know!"_

You knew, but you were gonna die anyways, right?

It was now late and the Birch family home was dark and quiet. Nick had left to stay the night with Andrew and Elliot was probably fast asleep, his breath now wearing its signature scent.

You lifted yourself up onto the wooden railing of the back porch, knees pulled to your chest for an extra bit of warmth. It got cold fast this far up north and the early September nights were already growing nippier than usual.

Taking long drags of your menthol while mindlessly scrolling through the dozens of texts that Val had sent you in the past five days. You wondering if you should finally text him back, give him the chance to explain himself.

That train of thought was briefly interrupted by the sensation of warm water dripping onto your hair. It wasn't raining out, wasn't even sprinkling. The night sky was as clear as could be. You ignored it and went back to deep contemplation.

Again, a longer stream of water fell onto your head seemingly from nowhere. You asked yourself momentarily if this was it, you'd finally cracked and were losing your mind. Until you heard the deep chuckle from the window above you.

You looked up and saw Judd leaning out of his bedroom with an opened bottle of water in his hand.

You and Judd had always had a mutual understanding of one another. You weren't just another one of Leah's annoying friends, the two of you rolled with the same crowd, you bought weed from the same dealer, things of that sort.

_"I never took you as one to pull juvenile pranks, Birch."_

He scoffed at the accusation, _"And I never took you as one to get hung up on a guy you didn't even fuck."_

Judd had a clear path to stare right at your phone as he sat above you, he saw every text message that you were looking at and thought lowly of Val for becoming so desperate so quickly.

You rolled your eyes while responding, _"Not hung up on anyone, just taking a smoke break."_

_"Yeah, well, I'm out. Can I borrow one of your shitty menthols?"_

You motioned toward the half full pack that sat at the end of the railing, _"They're down here waiting on ya."_

Judd slid his window shut and hid his unopened pack of Camel 99s in his desk. _Just in case_ , he told himself before trotting downstairs and through the glass door.

He took a cigarette from your pack and was flooded with nostalgia, they smelled exactly how your lips had tasted that night. Judd could almost hear the torrential downpour that had beat down on his window until the early December morning.

He pushed those memories to the back of his head, trying to act like he hadn't been watching, waiting for you to come outside.

_"Finally get tired of my sister's annoying voice?"_

You blew out through your nose in what was a half laugh, thinking to yourself something along the lines of, _more like I got tired of hearing my own fucking voice inside my head._

Instead you responded with, _"I just needed a few minutes away. They can be.. a lot."_

A comfortable silence fell between the two of you as you puffed away at your cigarettes. Comfortable in the sense that, suddenly, your mind wasn't being overcrowded by intrusive, shameful thoughts. It was the sort of distraction that you'd expected to find by spending the evening with Leah and Talulah, but had been wrong.

Finally, Judd spoke again, _"Not that I really give a shit.. but how ya holding up?"_

You shrugged, _"Hangin' in there, you know. I guess I've just got more things to worry about than guys that wanna_ ** _pretend_** _like they've slept with me."_

_"Yeah? Like what?"_

Judd was genuinely curious. He'd wondered to himself while leaning out of his window what could've _possibly_ been bothering your pretty little head so badly that you needed to remove yourself from a situation all together.

You hesitated before answering, pulling your loose sweatshirt over your bare knees to shield them from the soft, chilly winds that blew through the back yard.

While flicking the ash off the end of your cigarette, you responded, _"Judd, do you ever.. do you ever feel like you just can't connect to anyone around you? Like, there are people that you care about, and you know that they care about you, but you're just not.. I don't know, on the same page, I guess."_

Boy, did Judd understand. This was the story of his fucking life. His family may have thought Judd loathed them, but in reality, they just didn't see the world the same way that he did.

_"You're asking_ **_me_ ** _if I have problems connecting with people? You remember who you're talking to, right?"_

You laughed a little at his response, it was comforting. Truth be told, there had been very few people that Judd had felt that sort of unwritten understanding with. A few were friends of his, one had been a girl that had moved away when he was only 14 and unable to understand whether or not what he'd been feeling was "love".

And one had been you. And you knew that, because you could feel it, too. But it was never something that either of you had expressed to one another verbally, aside from that one stormy December night when you were pushing sixteen and he was seventeen.

You were absent-mindedly playing with the lighter in your hand, flicking it with your thumb and letting the flame live for just a second at a time before you killed it. That movement stopped when you looked over into Judd's emerald green eyes. You didn't want to open up to anyone, not now, not ever again - but you knew in that moment that he would understand. Something about that moment pulled the truth out of you.

_"I guess I just feel fucking stupid."_

Your eyes shot back down to the lighter, trying their hardest not to let water spill over the brim of them. You didn't want to cry in front of Judd, scared that he'd insult you - you wouldn't have been able to handle that in your fragile state of mind.

Still, he could see the thin layer of water that glassed over your eyes, the bright orange flame in your hand reflecting off of them, _"You_ ** _are_** _stupid."_

Everything in him told him not to move any closer to you, but what was he supposed to do? Leave? Keep you at arms length forever? He relocated to the wooden post that stood to your left, leaning against it. His arm was now snug against yours, the warmth radiating from him could be felt even through your sweater.

_"But Val's a fucking idiot._ _Seriously,_ **_he_ ** _fucked up, not you. And he's not worth getting upset over, so suck it up, buttercup."_

You chuckled and sniffled your nose, which was now numb from the dropping temperature. You leaned your head against his arm and Judd nearly shuttered with surprise, fighting the urge to wrap his arm around your shoulder in an attempt to further comfort you, _"What's so funny?"_

_"Nothing, it's stupid. My mom always used to say that when I was throwing a tantrum."_

An exasperated sigh erupted from Judd's chest and he moved to stand in front of you, _"And stop calling yourself 'stupid'. From now on, I'm the only one that can call you that. Got it?"_

The hollow threat of a schoolyard bully. You rolled your eyes but nodded your head in agreeance, a small but honest smile now showing on your face. One last, long draw from your cigarette and it would be done. You savored that drag, letting its fire fill your lungs.

You looked up from your cancer stick one more time and Judd could see that there was a question lingering behind your irises, one that he wasn't sure was going to make its way past your lips.

It did. You spoke slowly, as if you were scared of what his response would be, _"Judd.. we had that connection, didn't we?.. At least that one nigh-"_

_"Yeah."_ Judd answered hastily, his voice almost cracking in the process. He sensed that you were questioning everything. Every friendship, every relationship, every "connection" you'd ever felt with anyone. And maybe the rest of them had been one sided, maybe everyone else really **hadn't** been honest about their intentions and feelings about you. But Judd didn't want to be a part of that doubt.

He cleared his throat and spoke again, _"Yeah, Ellie.. Yeah, we did."_

A voice screamed in the back of his head, begging for him to correct himself. _We_ ** _DO_** _! We do! We still do!_

That reassurance was enough for you. You snuffed out your cigarette, having been smoking the filter just to prolong the conversation, and slid your stiff body off the railing. Nodding understandingly, _"Okay, good. I thought so.. I think I'm gonna go back inside. The girls probably think I've ditched them."_

Judd grabbed another cigarette from your pack before handing it back to you, watching your grasp close around the golden knob of the patio door.

_"Hey, Ellie!"_ His hand went to his neck, rubbing it nervously, _"Call me. Like, if you start to feel like this again.. or if you just need someone to talk to. Just call me, okay?"_

_"I will, Judd."_

It was true, you would - and sooner than he'd anticipated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know Spanish.  
> If you guys don't know, I also post this story on Wattpad under the username @CalicoJack1!


	12. Body Count

_Soft light from the outside street lamps shined through the curtain-less window, the only window in the room, as aggressive raindrops assaulted the glass. Hues of black, grey, white and navy slowly fell into place and you realized where you were. You recognized this bedroom and the bed that you were laying on, though you'd only been in it once._

_Your body moved without instruction from your brain, moved just the way it had in real life. You felt foreign fingertip grazing the naked skin that covered your ribs, moving down to caress your hips gently._

_"You're sure?"_

_The gravelly voice came from lips that you were now aware pressed against your own. You were being kissed and kissing this person back. You couldn't see their face, but you knew who it was._

_You nodded and braced yourself, remembering what came next. There was a brief, dull pain between your legs, you winced and the body on top of you froze in fear that he was hurting you._

_"Are you okay?? Are you sure you want to do this? We can stop, we can-"_

_You kissed him again and he melted into it, understanding that the pain was only temporary. Whatever minuscule amount of space that was left between the two of you was soon erased as your knees crooked upwards and he rested himself wholly, completely inside of you. You closed your eyes, holding onto the faceless figure for dear life. Allowing him to rock back and forth between your thighs while every inch of your body tingled._

_And for a moment you felt so loved, so cared for. You couldn't remember a time when you felt this safe in a single person's arms._

_Still, you couldn't push the feeling of being exposed. That creepy-crawly feeling of being watched by someone that could see you, but you couldn't see them. You looked up and over the shoulder that your chin had been resting against, suddenly the room wasn't so dim anymore._

_The lights had been flipped on and around you stood everyone that you knew. Your mother, whose face had aged by ten years, looked down at you disappointedly. She shook her head as she spoke, "My sweet, innocent girl.. what have you become?"_

_Mr. Lizer, with his judgemental gaze stood beside her, "_ **_This_ ** _is why we have the dress code, Eleanor. So that the good girls don't become sluts like_ **_you_ ** _."_

_Kurt Bilzerian licked his lips, as if his turn on top of you was coming up next, "Not like it's a secret that you put out, anyways..."_

_Blair, Val's summer fling, stood with her hands on her hips looking enraged and ready to attack you. Her presence confused you, as well as the presence of others and the words that they were bellowing._

_Your father was there, his hand gripped your mom's shoulder tightly. You recognized the look on his face, he was drunk and he was furious. This was confirmed by the bottle of tequila that dropped from his fingers and shattered on the floor as he spoke, "You made me a promise, mija. Now look at you.. puta."_

_In the space between and around them stood your schoolmates, all of the ones who had whispered lies about you behind their palms two Mondays ago. They were doing just the same now._

_Meanwhile, the thrusts between your legs had sped up and gained voracity. This wasn't how you remembered losing your virginity.. You hit his shoulder over and over, begging for his attention, but he was oblivious to the crowd that filled the room._

_"Judd, stop! Stop! Look, there's-"_

_The figure on top of you lifted up, never ceasing to use your body, and you realized that this was_ **_not_ ** _the dream of a memory. This was a nightmare._

_Your eyes filled with tears as you looked up at Val, not Judd, his eyes dead and uncaring as he repeated his words to you, "I get it if you regret what we did, E. But it happened. You don't need to lie about it."_

_~_

You gasped for breath as you shot up in bed. Your own bed, surrounded by your own comforter in your own room. A thin layer of sweat covered your body and your hair stuck to your face.

You fumbled for your phone in the darkness, scrolling through it and pressing "call" on the only person that came to your mind. It rang three times before you finally started to actually wake up, now aware of what you were doing.

Before you could hang up, a sleepy voice came on the line, _"Do you know what_ ** _fucking_** _time it is?!"_

Judd's angry tone both scared and humiliated you, you stumbled over words in an attempt to get off of the phone as quickly as possible, _"I'm sorry, I didn't- I don't know why I-"_

There was a scuffling on the phone, the sound of Judd sitting up in bed as he realized who was on the other end of the line, _"Ellie? What's wrong?"_

You held your pounding head with one hand, _"Nothing, I'm sorry. I had a nightmare and started calling you before I fully woke up. Sorry, I'll let you get back to sleep."_

_"No, wait-"_ Your thumb froze just as you were about to hit that little red disconnect button. For a second Judd stayed quiet, waiting to see if you'd hung up or not.

_"I can come over.. if you want, I mean. I wasn't asleep or anything, it wouldn't be a big deal."_

It was a lie and you knew it. You'd spent the night at the Birch home enough times to know what "woken up Judd" sounded like. Still, you felt uneasy. Your nightmare had made you feel alone and ashamed, you knew you wouldn't be able to sleep again for awhile and the last thing you needed was to be by yourself with your own wandering thoughts.

_"Yeah. You know where I live, right?"_

~

Less than half an hour later, Judd was pushing his way through your front door and following you up the stairs to your bedroom.

_"_ **_This_ ** _is your room?"_

That was usually the response you got, _"Technically it's the den, but my dad stays out of town a lot so I took it."_

It was obvious now that he really had been dead asleep when you woke him up. You'd never seen him in sweatpants before, but you didn't mind the view. Judd kicked off his shoes and sat on the edge of your bed, _"So what nightmare could've been so terrifying that you called_ ** _me_** _of all people?"_

You took the spot beside him and rested your elbows on your knees, burying your face in your hands and groaning, _"I don't even want to talk about it, it was just.. bad."_

His eyes were burning a hole in the back of your head, almost demanding telepathically that you spill it. And you were close to doing so, until you felt him moving beside you. Judd was unzipping his jacket and dropping it onto the floor in front of him, _"Fine, simmer on it. But I wanna hear about it by the time I leave."_

_Simmer on it._ Let it sink in. Allow it to rot inside of your stomach until you feel so sick that you're forced to throw it all up, that's what he _really_ meant.

_"You have Netflix?"_

Judd made himself comfortable against your headboard, scrolling through your Recently Watched list and settling on the newest season of I Am A Killer. You flipped off the light, leaving you both in the darkness. Your bodies illuminated only by the bright lights from the TV mounted on your wall. It was an episode about a woman who killed her lover because he asked her to, _supposedly_.

You whispered to Judd without taking your eyes off of the screen, _"What do you think? You think he really asked her to?"_

_"Are you kidding me? She admitted that she_ **_wanted_ ** _to know what it felt like to kill someone. The bitch killed him in cold blood."_

You shuffled, bringing the blanket over your goose-fleshed legs and up to your waist, _"No way. He was way bigger than her, he totally could've fought her off if he wanted."_

After a few minutes Judd followed your lead, slipping underneath your blanket and unintentionally moving closer to you in the process, _"So what then, you think she really did that out of love? Killed him because he was too much of a pussy to do it himself?"_

You shrugged, _"I've never been in love, so I guess I wouldn't know."_

Judd looked down at you questioningly. He failed to believe that with all the notches in your belt, you hadn't been in love with a _single_ one of your partners, _"You're full of shit."_

_"Why do you say that?"_

No longer interested in the docu-series in front of him, his body now half turned toward you, _"I know a rough estimate of your body count, Elle. You can't_ ** _honestly_** _claim that you haven't felt love for absolutely any of them."_

He said it with the same "matter-of-fact" tone that you'd hit Val with so many times over the years. You responded to him still without looking away from the screen, _"Sex and love don't always go hand in hand, Judd. But no, I've_ ** _felt_** _love for a few of them, two or three, just haven't been_ ** _in_** _love with them."_

Judd turned back toward the screen but couldn't get back into the program. _Two or three?_ He thought. He scratched his brain, wondering which ones had been the lucky few and how they'd differed from the others.

Twenty minutes into the second episode, his curiosity got the better of him, _"Which three?"_

You mumbled a _"Huh?"_ before he continued, _"Which three guys were different?"_

You thought about it for a moment. It didn't take long, you easily remembered the ones that you'd looked back fondly on. Never having talked about them with your friends, because to you they weren't just conquests, they were guys that you'd actually cared for at least a little bit, _"Alec, the guy that I dated over the summer. He was sweet."_

Judd nodded his head. He wasn't familiar with the guy, but felt a sting of jealousy now knowing that Alec had spent almost three months with you while **he** missed out, _"And the other two?"_

The warmth of shame filled your cheeks and you finally looked away from the tv, down at your hands to hide the regret that lingered behind your eyes. You still weren't sure why you were so eager to open up to Judd, but it happened regardless, _"One was a guy from mass, when I used to go. I think I was his first.. I think I hurt him. I didn't mean to, but it happened, so.."_

The weight of Judd's gaze was bearing down on you even through the dark. He gave you a moment to sort out your thoughts before continuing, _"No changing it now. What about the last one?"_

Just as the words escaped his mouth, his foot grazed against your own under the blanket. That innocent, accidental brush caused every little hair on your body to stand on end as your mind was quickly flooded with flashbacks of your nightmare. It was like static electricity, and Judd felt it too. You rubbed your face, trying desperately to force the memory away but it just wouldn't budge. Judd was about to apologize before you continued abruptly, _"The last was you. Or first, I guess.. That's what my nightmare was about."_

Judd's eyebrows raised in surprise. He suddenly felt embarrassed, thinking that the two of you had different accounts of the situation, _"Huh, I guess we remember it differently then if you're having nightmares about it.."_

_"It was you, but it wasn't.. It was you_ **_until_ ** _it wasn't, if that makes sense. Fuck, and there were all these people watching. Judging me. My fucking parents were there and they were_ **_so_ ** _disappointed in me. Lizer was there. God, and Kurt. He was licking his lips and looking at me like he was going to swallow me whole."_

A wave of disgust flowed through you as you remembered the hazy images. You laughed nervously before continuing, feeling the waterworks bubbling up under your eyes, _"And then it wasn't you. It was Val, and I was trying to get him to stop and he just_ ** _wouldn't_** _and-"_

A single tear slid down your cheek and Judd cut you off, realizing how harrowing your nightmare had been. Without thinking, he slid his arm between your back and the headboard, pulling you to his chest, _"Stop. You don't have to keep going, I get it. Just relax, it was only a dream."_

Judd's touch was oddly soothing. You gripped the bottom hem of his shirt while you tried to suck up the tears before he could notice that you were full on bawling your eyes out.

And then he did something out of his ordinary, something that you never would've expected from the mysterious Judd Birch - he just held you. You could almost feel his fingertips fighting the urge to stroke your back, like _that_ would've been taking it too far.

The two of you stayed like that for a moment, until the memories of your nightmare subsided once again. You pulled away, quickly wiping your flushed cheeks and checking the time on your phone. 4 am, _"I should probably get some sleep, school in a few hours and whatnot.."_

_"Right.. I guess I'll go."_

He didn't move. You sat on the outside of the bed, where he would need to climb off, but Judd didn't so much as pull the blankets off of his lap. He felt every bit of his own weight cemented to your mattress, as if he already knew he wasn't going anywhere.

You spoke slowly, unsure of yourself, _"Can you just.. stay? That nightmare really fucked with me. Fuck, I swear I'm not usually like this."_

You saw what appeared to be the corners of his lips turning up into a smile through the darkness, but you couldn't be sure of yourself. He nodded his head and pulled off his shirt, keeping his sweatpants on before slipping himself fully under the comforter.

You flipped off the tv and did the same. Neither of you spoke, you didn't have to. Just him being there when no one else was comforted you, you knew there wouldn't be anymore nightmares.

You were seconds away from falling asleep when you felt his fingers brush against your own, Judd let it rest there. Somehow feeling even the smallest amount of your skin gave him peace of mind, let him know that you were okay. He thought you really _had_ fallen asleep, until he heard your voice, _"Have you had any? That you felt love for, I mean."_

The words clung to the tip of his tongue for a moment. He could feel himself start to perspire gently, terrified of how his heart was going to respond because he knew that his head had no say so.

_"Just you."_


	13. Kamikaze

******* Judd's POV *******

There was a ringing in my ear that just kept getting louder and louder. A shrill, piercing sound that got increasingly annoying the more conscious I became. It was an alarm, Ellie's alarm for school. The third one that she'd silenced so far. I buried my face in her pillow and mumbled angrily, _"Either turn it off and go back to sleep or_ _turn it off and_ _wake the_ ** _fuck_** _up."_

Trying my best not to let my morning sourness seep out too much. I heard her groan and sit up, she finally silenced her alarm and leaned over her lap, stretching. I had almost forgotten about the nuisance completely and fallen back asleep when I felt her long, nimble fingers rest on my back. A shiver ran up my spine.

Her voice sounded so exhausted, _"I have to get some more sleep. I'm gonna skip first and second class, roll in around 11."_

To be honest, I really didn't give a shit. I was _so_ fucking tired, so I sarcastically responded, _"Greatttt."_

She scoffed, picking up on my attitude, _"You gotta go, Judd."_

I didn't respond, figuring that if I ignored her she would just forget she even said it. She'd crawl back under the blankets with me and I could be content for just a _few_ more hours. That's all I needed, a few more hours in her bed.

She didn't forget though. I felt her nails graze my skin in an attempt to stir me, _"Seriously, Judd. Leah might get suspicious if your car isn't in your driveway_ ** _and_** _I don't show up until lunch."_

Fuck, she was right. I sighed hard before turning over, rubbing my eyes and sitting up in bed, _"I know, I know."_

It took me a second but I finally stood up with her, pulled on my shirt and shoes, and followed her down the stairs. She walked me out, leaning against the door frame while I turned to face her on the front porch. It felt like there was something I needed to say, something I needed to do. Like there was unfinished business between us.

_"Thanks for coming over. I know we didn't really do shit, but I had a good time."_

I stood with my hands stuffed into my pockets, trying to figure out what it was that I wanted to leave on, _"So did I, we should do this again."_

She looked surprised, her eyebrows raised and she questioned, _"Yeah? When did you have in mind?"_

I smirked at her and started backing off of her porch toward my car, unsure of when our paths would cross again but certain that I could think of **some** reason to end up in her presence. I shrugged and yelled up the driveway, _"I'll surprise you."_

That was a good enough answer for her. She backtracked into her house and closed the door while I lifted myself up into my car, backed into the street and started down the road.

Just as I was passing her neighbor's house, Val's house, I took notice of the passenger in a car sitting out front. He was watching me, his eyes following me down the street. He bore a scowl almost as intense and hateful as my own.

_"Fuuuckk_."

******* End POVs *******

Judd's car passed by Val and he felt a bubbling rage in his chest. This was how he imagined husbands felt just before they realized they were going to kill their unfaithful wives, even if they'd been unfaithful as well.

Kurt joined him in the car moments later, noticing his brother sucking down a cigarette like it was his only source of oxygen. Val looked up at him, smiling maniacally, _"Just saw Juddy-boy leaving E's house."_

Kurt rolled his eyes while shifting his car into gear, _"Are you shocked or something? She's a fucking whore and he's had a boner for her ever since her ass grew two sizes a few years ago."_

Val's laughing smiling, his brow stern. Kurt might've been a dipshit, but he caught on quickly to hints of bad behavior, _"You thinking we should teach her a lesson?"_

He nodded slowly, taking another drag of his stoge, _"I've got a few things in mind."_

~

You showed Judd out and quickly fell back asleep, waking up around 10 to get ready for school. Taking a quick shower and pulling on a pair of leggings and crewneck, it was getting cold quick in New York this year.

You stumbled into school close to 11 with an iced coffee in tow, meeting up with Leah and Talulah in the cafeteria and avoiding their train of questions as to why you weren't here bright and early like the rest of them.

_"I think Val and Blair are getting back together, I saw him with his arm around her in the hallway this morning."_ Talulah mentioned in passing while you picked at her food that you knew she wasn't going to finish.

_"Great, hopefully she's putting out and he can hop off my fucking case."_

Eventually your last class rolled around, the only class you had with Val. It was hard to look at him after the nightmare you'd had a few hours ago, made even more difficult by the death glare he flashed you when you walked in the room.

Halfway through the lesson you were scribbling down notes when you felt a finger tap you on the shoulder, you turned around and saw a folded up piece of paper pointed toward you.

_"From Val."_ The girl behind you mouthed.

You looked across the room at him, he still held the same glare that he did a half hour ago. Turning back around in your desk, you unfolded the note and read it to yourself.

_We need to talk after class - V_

Val was done with begging and waiting for you to come around. Seeing Judd, his "friend", leaving your house this morning.. something flipped in his mind. Everything that his dad had ever told him about women and relationships suddenly became true. Which he'd always believed anyways, but he'd considered _you_ the exception.

You ignored Val in the hallway, refusing to be pushed around by anyone, especially him. But he caught up with you during practice.

The school gymnasium was specifically reserved for girl's volleyball practice every day after class in the fall. Everyone knew that, so it was no surprise that Val knew where to find you. You were yelling over the girls' grunts and sighs, doing lunges along with them as you instructed. You heard the heavy door slam behind you and looked over your shoulder to see who it was.

Val rested against the white cinder block wall, patiently waiting for you to make time for him. His arms crossed with one leg cocked up.

You rolled your eyes and turned back to your teammates, _"All right girls, twenty burpees and two laps around the gym - then get your asses out of here. And remember to rehydrate for fuck's sake."_

You left their collective groans in the gym while you followed Val outside, turning the corner to where you knew there were no cameras and no after school staff would be hanging out. He handed you a cigarette without you asking, knowing yours were in your car. You lit it and leaned against the outside wall, waiting to her what he had to stay.

He didn't have a hint of the anger that you'd so obviously seen on his face earlier when he finally spoke, _"Are you gonna stay mad at me forever, Elle?"_

Your face turned up in utter confusion and shock, _"VAL! You fucking told everyone that we fucked, dude! Do you really not see anything wrong with what you did??"_

His head rolled back in frustration, _"No, I get it and I'm fucking SORRY! If you'd read any of my texts you would've seen that I've said it a million times already!"_

You'd seen them all, over and over again. They were what had kept you awake the past week and a half and probably the reason that you'd had such a terrible nightmare in the first place.

_"But that doesn't make it okay, V. You saying "sorry" doesn't change what you did. Why would you do that to me?"_

He didn't answer, because the answer wasn't simple. Val looked down at his feet, seemingly ashamed. He knew that he loved you in the deepest way that a friend possibly could love another friend, but it had been ingrained in his mind that blood ran thicker than water.

_"Seriously, Val.. I need to know why. We've been the only fucking constants in each other's lives our_ **_whole_ ** _lives, and to me it seems like you fucked me over the second I gave you the chance."_

Finally, he looked up into your eyes and you thought you saw what appeared to be regret, _"I didn't mean to, Ellie. Kurt fucking twisted my words and shit got spread around before I had the chance to stop it. It's a shitty excuse, but that's what happened. And then in the hallway, I just didn't know what the fuck to do. But I'm fucking_ ** _sorry_** _."_

Val threw out his cigarette and grabbed you by the shoulders, pulling you into a forceful hug that you just weren't comfortable with yet.

_"I know that things aren't gonna be how they_ **_might've_ ** _been if I hadn't fucked up, but can I at least have my best friend back? I'm sorry, dude. I don't know what I have to do to show you that, but I'll do it. Can we just be friends again?"_

You finally sank into his hug, gripping him around the waist and leaning your head against his shoulder. It was nice, you couldn't lie, and he seemed sincere enough.

_"Just don't fucking lie to me, V. I can't handle that shit."_

You felt him smile against your sweaty hair, _"I told you, I've got your back. And I do, I swear."_ Val let you go and hacked out a fake cough, _"Ugh, you smell so bad - go fucking shower!"_

You flipped him off and started back toward the double doors of the gym, hearing him yell after you, _"Hey! You wanna meet on the roof to smoke tonight?"_

You yelled back a _"Yeah! After dark!"_ and continued inside.

~

That shower was everything that you needed. It felt like you were washing yourself completely clean of everything that had happened in the past two weeks, a fresh start. The way you saw it, you had your best friend back. Even if you and Val didn't end up together like you'd at some time hoped, you had your best friend back.

You balanced your phone on the top of the shower stall, turning on your music loudly so that you could unwind with some good tunes, singing along with the lyrics because you knew that no one would be in here anyways at this hour.

_And I'm sorry, I'll take the blame but you came at me kamikaze_   
_A tsunami is setting our way_   
_So as your apology_   
_We really should have thought it through, just what this would do to me and you_   
_So ask yourself, is it worth it?_

You were so wrapped up in the music that you couldn't hear the soft clicking of a camera that barely peaked over the shower door. Val never brought up seeing Judd leave your home early that morning, not even as he passed you a blunt on the roof outside of your bedroom a few hours later.


	14. Fight Night

It seemed as if things went right back to normal as the week progressed. The rumor circulating around the school that Blair and Val were back together was at least half true, Blair believed it to be true. But you knew what Val's real intentions were, having seen him undressing her from your bedroom window the day after the two of you made up.

You didn't hear from Judd, which was normal. Though the two of you ran with the same crowd, you weren't exactly "friends". More like acquaintances, friends of friends, save that one night. It wasn't strange for you to only run into him at Leah's house or in the hazy Bilzerian basement during Fight Night, which was exactly where he was when shit hit the fan that Friday evening.

It was a perfectly normal Friday afternoon. You were drenched in sweat and surrounded by bleachers full of students and parents that came to see your team sail their way to victory - and you guys were doing a damn good job. There was ten minutes or so left in your last set, Leah and Talulah sat in the second row to the top.

Though their minds were wrapped up in the game, watching you stalk the back of the court like a lioness on the prowl, both of their hands absent-mindedly went to their back pockets at the same time.

They'd both gotten a text message and thought nothing of it, that is until it seemed that everyone around them had been sent a message, too. They saw people pulling out their phones, eyes getting wide. They watched girls cover their mouths and giggle, showing the screens to their girlfriends. Guys gawked at what had caught their attention.

Just as Talulah pulled out her phone to see what all the hype was about, Leah turned around to see the two guys behind her had turned around their poster board and were writing on it with a Mega Sharpie. What had previously read words of encouragement now said in big, bold letters -

_"ROJAS #13_   
_BEST ASS IN CLASS_   
_2016 - 2020"_

The soulless, ginger haired boy whistled a piercing, ear deafening tune. For a moment you thought you'd had a brain aneurysm, but it served it's purpose. He yelled your name and forced your attention away from the ball that Ava had missed, allowing it to hit the ground.

You cursed and flipped him off without even taking notice of the sign he held above his head. The referee blew his whistle and pointed at you, your first red card of the season.

Talulah tugged on Leah's sleeve, pulling her attention from the crowd around her, _"Leah, this is not good.."_

Leah looked at the phone screen and gasped, embarrassed for you. It was photos, multiple of them, of you in the locker room shower. Obviously taken without your knowledge as your eyes were closed and they were slightly blurry.

Leah looked at her friend, _"Oh. My. God."_

It was sent from a number that neither of them had saved in their phones, but a quick Facebook search easily revealed who it was.

You still had no idea what was going on. Your team ended up winning, but just by a hair thanks to that asshole's catcalling. The second the buzzer rang your friends rushed down the steep steps of the bleachers, trying to get to you before anyone else could and before you could check your phone.

They were so close to making it to you, Leah had even already reached out her hand to grip your arm when you felt a stranger's palm come down hard on your ass. Your skin burned and you whipped your head around, it was a small freshman boy. He'd been sent over by his new senior friends that were giggling to themselves in the corner of the room.

Talulah could see the instant regret on the kid's mug, but she also saw the fire in your own. Your hand whipped around without thinking and struck the boy across the face. A well deserved slap that would teach him a lesson in the long run.

Before you could ask him what his deal was or he could react to your slap, Leah gripped your arm and drug you out the double doors.

_"Guys, what the hell?!"_

The looks on their faces scared you. The pulled you around the side of the building and Leah spoke first, she had a much more sensitive way with words than Talulah.

_"Ellie, you can't freak out."_

You didn't know that you even **should've** been freaking out, but now you were. Your eyes darted back and forth between the two of them, waiting for them to break the news.

_"We got these texts.. we_ **_all_ ** _got these texts.."_

You now saw that Tules was clutching her phone in a death grip. She slowly turned it toward you, showing you the least revealing of the set of photos. You instantly thought, _this can't be real. This is just another bad dream, I'm gonna wake up in a few seconds in my own bed and none of this will be real._

But you knew that it wasn't another nightmare. You laughed out of anger and bit down on the side of your cheek to stop yourself from lashing out at your innocent friends.

_"What do you mean you_ **_"all"_ ** _got these texts?"_

Talulah closed her phone, putting it away while he explained, _"Like.._ ** _everyone_** _got them. Everyone at the game just now.. Everyone at school, I guess.."_

You bit your lip, feeling the coppery taste of blood on your tongue, _"_ ** _WHO_** _, Leah?"_

Your eyes stared hard into Leah's dreamy blues because you knew she couldn't lie to you, and she didn't, _"We think it was Kurt.."_

You nodded, having already known the answer to your own question in the back of your mind. Your friends saw the look in your eye and knew it would be of no use to chase after you when you took off. You raced to your car and floored it out of the parking lot without ever bothering with the seatbelt.

It was a Friday night and Val hadn't been at your game, so you knew where he was - and wherever Val was, Kurt would be as well. Not only that, but you knew of a few other people that would be there, too.

You clicked on the contact in your Recent Calls without ever looking at your phone, putting it on speaker as you sped through the busy weekend traffic.

Judd was laying back on the old, itchy couch in the Bilzerian basement, rolling a blunt and ignoring the four other guys in the room - who were getting ready for a bloody, backyard brawl type of night. Unlike everyone else in town, he hadn't received the damning messages from Kurt.

When his phone rang he put it to his ear, noticing who it was before casually answering, _"Hey."_

Judd could hear the strain in your voice as you spoke through gritted teeth, _"Where. Are. You."_

His brow knitted together in confusion and he sat up, concerned, _"I'm in Kurt and Val's basement, what's wrong?"_

Everyone was your enemy right now, especially everyone that was a friend of those brothers, _"I swear to God, Judd, if you had something to do with this I will waterboard you with your own fucking blood. I will-"_

Judd cut you off, _"I don't know what the_ ** _fuck_** _you're talking about, Elle. What happened??"_

You turned onto your road with no intention of going to your own house, _"How about you ask your friends, I'll be there in two minutes."_

The line went silent and Judd looked across the room, noticing the shit eating grins on Kurt and Val's faces. A digital clock started ticking down in his mind from 120 second, he knew that you'd be racing down the stairs once it struck zero.

His voice boomed over Micah and Devin's grunts and curses as they hit each other on the stained mattress in the middle of the floor, _"What the_ ** _FUCK_** _did you guys do?!"_

Val and Kurt's ears had perked up when they heard him say your name into the phone, strolling around the mattress toward Judd with plans to make this a very special kind of Fight Night. Val spoke mockingly, _"Oh, y'know, we figured - Hey! Ellie throws her ass all around town anyways, why not make it easier for everyone and just deliver the goods straight to their phones?"_

Kurt fed off of his brother's mood, _"How was she the other night, Juddy? You think she'd let me-"_

_"You're both fucking retarded. I didn't fuck Ellie, Val. Just like_ **_you_ ** _didn't."_

Judd could see the lunatic bubbling up in Val's eyes, it was close to spilling over when he heard the front door upstairs slam against the wall and footsteps stomping over their heads. Val didn't seem to hear anything, he was in his own little world of imagining all of the things that Judd may have done to you, _"Maybe not, but you want to. Don't you? She'll fucking let you. She wouldn't let me, but I'd bet cold, hard cash that she'd let some fucking creep like you between her legs."_

The door to the basement flung open, nearly off of its hinges at the same moment that Judd's hands met Val's chest. Val stumbled backward just a few steps but quickly recoiled. He knew that he couldn't take Judd on his own, all he needed was for Judd to swing first and then his (much larger) brother would step in and it would be two on one.

But soon Kurt was met with his own rival. Your footsteps echoed through the room as you ran down the steps, you barely took notice of the four other people in the room. Your hand was extended out in front of you, pointing right at Kurt. You growled as you closed the distance between the two of you, _"YOU."_

Kurt smiled and licked his lips, just like he had in your nightmare, _"Is it my turn now? Fucking final-"_

Before he could finish his sentence you delivered the low blow right to his nuts, and when he doubled over in pain you kneed him in the face. He fell backwards onto the hard floor, lightheaded and out of breath. But you weren't going to show him mercy just because he was a pussy. You straddled his chest, knees on his biceps so he couldn't have moved even if he found the strength.

Kurt's eyes were closed, but he was conscious. You held them open and for the first time ever they showed real, genuine fear. But you were blind to it, your mind in a frenzy. You lowered your face down to his so he could hear you over his labored breathing, _"Open your god damn eyes, swine, I want you to look at me when I kill you."_

_"Alright,"_ Judd reached into his back pocket and pulled out his switchblade, he was over the situation already, _"We're not gonna do this."_

The sheer sight of the blade brought Val back to his senses. He backed up, not wanting to lose his life for the sake of getting even. You hadn't looked up from Kurt's terrified expression but had just wrapped your first palm around his throat when you felt yourself being lifted off of his chest.

Judd set you back on your feet and pointed the knife at you, _"Up the stairs, go."_

He was the only one thinking with a clear mind, though you knew that you'd lose in a knife fight. He jabbed it forward, using it to herd you. Judd grabbed his weed and phone from the couch before reiterating, _"I said_ ** _GO_** _, Ellie."_

You swallowed your pride and did as told, stomping up the stairs. Judd took one final look at the room behind him, Val was now leaned over his brother, comforting him. That was when Judd did something that he wasn't proud of - but felt great. He spit on Kurt, growling under his breath, _"Fucking trash.."_ and then followed behind you.

You stopped on the front porch, turning around abruptly as Judd slammed the door behind him, and demanding, _"WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!"_

Judd's response was apathetic, as always. He was almost impressed with the brute courage that you displayed, but not intimidated. Scoffing and still herding you with the switchblade, he pointed past you toward his Jeep that sat on the side of the road.

_"Get in the fucking car."_

You stood your ground, crossing your arms and holding your chest-to-chest position with him, never diverting your gaze. Judd knew that given the chance, you would go right back in there. And with no one around to stop you, you **would** kill someone. Maybe all of them, Devin and Micah included.

_"Fine."_ He shrugged and sheathed his blade, stuffing it back into his pocket, _"Have it your way."_

Before you could ask what he was doing, Judd leaned down and grabbed you, throwing you over his shoulder. If this were anyone else, you would be being taken hostage right now. You wriggled and squirmed, beat on his back and yelled repeatedly, **_"PUT! ME! DOWN!"_**

You couldn't see it but you heard his passenger door creak open, _"Listen you little shit, you're fucking going with me either way. Now, you can either get in the god damn car yourself or I can "accidentally" bang your head against the door frame and force you in."_

You settled down, defeated and lacking the vengeful passion that you'd been filled with just a few minutes prior. Judd recognized your metaphorical thrown towel and set you on your feet, looking down at you with one hand on his opened door and the other on his car, blocking any escape route you may have.

But you weren't going to run. You lifted yourself into the car and he shit it tight, joining you on the other side. He left down the road without telling you where he intended on going - but you knew it was off the beaten path when he turned onto a back road, surrounded completely by dense trees and no houses in sight.


	15. Head vs Heart

There was a pull off up ahead, one that couldn't be seen until it was illuminated by headlights, thanks to the lack of street lamps in this area. Judd drove his Jeep off the side of the road and up the trail. His car wasn't made for off roading, but it worked well enough.

This was straight up the fucking forest. Not a camp ground or the driveway to a nice, secluded mountain home. This was some Blair Witch, Cabin In The Woods style shit. But you didn't feel uneasy, figuring that someone who had just stopped you from making the worst mistake of your life _probably_ wasn't about to murder you in cold blood.

Judd stopped the car at the end of the clearing and turned on his dome light, emptying his pockets of the weed inside them.

_"Are you done pitching a fit yet?"_

Your arms were still folded across your chest, but the heat had long been flushed out of your system. You spoke meekly, ashamed of how you'd acted, _"I wasn't_ ** _actually_** _gonna kill him, y'know."_

He laughed and looked up at you from the work he was performing on the blunt. There was a real, genuine smile on his face, _"Bullshit."_

It was a simple fix, a small tear from being shoved into his pocket so quickly. He held it up in front of your face, noticing the way your eyes twinkled looking at it, _"Smoke this, you'll feel better."_

Who were you to argue against free weed? You willingly lit the blunt while kicking off your shoes into the floorboard, letting the smoke fill both your lungs and your head.

Judd traded you the blunt for a cigarette and asked, _"So I didn't get a real answer from anyone about what happened."_

You rolled down your window and made yourself comfortable, knowing he was going to hold you here until you were completely calmed down, _"Everyone at Bridgeton High has now seen me naked, courtesy of my best friend and his partner in crime."_

******* Judd's POV *******

I coughed and blew out the smoke, _"Fuck, this shit's heavy. Ugh, who gives a shit?"_

Her hands flew out in a questioning manor and I rushed to save myself, _"No, I mean, I get why you're pissed. It was shitty of them to do. But I mean, is what you're wearing now really all that far off from what you look like naked?"_

_"I don't know, Judd, you tell me."_

Believe it or not, she didn't used to have this attitude. She was a trouble maker like myself, don't get me wrong, but not as quick to throw shade.

I was holding the weed out for her to take and pursing my lips, as if saying, _"Really, Elle?"_. She held onto that look for a moment while her senses gradually got looser and looser, I could see it in the smile lines on her cheeks. Eventually we both lost the staring match, bursting into innocent laughter simultaneously as she took another hit.

I rolled down my window as well and lit my own cigarette, leaning back in my seat and riding the high, " _Well if it makes you feel any better - you look, like, really good naked."_

Why in the **fuck** did I say that? I winced at my own fucking stupidity, trying to convince myself that it was the weed talking.

She just rolled her eyes, _"Like you'd know, you haven't seen me naked since sophomore year."_

Was that the weed talking, as well? I was walking through dangerous territory, unsure if right now was the best time to push my luck.

_"I know, and I didn't even get the fucking texts to refresh my memory."_

My eyes were forced open when I felt a hand slap my chest, she was choking on a mixture of laughter and smoke but managed to playfully cough out, _"Shut up, ass!"_

Truth be told, I didn't need a refresher. I remembered every inch of her bare skin, every second of the way she felt around me. I could still hear her gasps and moans echoing in the back of my mind.

_"Come on."_ I opened my door to the pitch black darkness that surrounded the outside of my car. 

_"What do you mean "come on"? We're in the middle of the fucking woods."_

I huffed and leaned across her, unlocking and pushing open her door as well, _"We're getting in the back, I'm waiting for someone. We might be here for a minute."_

She followed me around the back and I lifted the hatch, laying down my back seats, _"I swear, I'm not being weird. Just get in."_

She got in, but not without another sarcastic comment, _"I fail to believe that you, Judd Birch, are anything_ ** _but_** _weird."_

I crawled in beside her, letting one of my legs dangle off the tail gate. She held her knees close to her chest just like she had on my back porch last weekend. It was even cooler out tonight than it was then, only this time she was wearing hers skittish Volleyball uniform. I noticed her shivering. 

_"Here, put this on."_

Tossing a spare hoodie onto her lap. She pulled it over her head before unraveling her braid, _"You left one of these at my house the other night, too. Keep making a habit of kidnapping me and I'm gonna start hoarding them as payback."_

Maybe I was staring. Hell, who am I kidding, I **know** I was staring, _"Don't tempt me, Ellie. I think I like how they look on you, anyways."_

She had to have noticed me eyeing her up and down, the second I said it her body opened up. She unfolded her legs from her chests, letting them rest against the carpet. Her hands sat just behind her back. Somehow she looked both relaxed and like she craved my attention at the same time.

Whatever she was doing, it was working. I could feel the blood pumping faster through my veins and when my eyes finally inched their way back up to hers, her aura had changed completely. Some sort of primal instinct took over in me, I felt like a wolf drooling over its next meal. And when I felt her fingers brush mine against the floor, whether it was accidental or not, her fate was sealed.

_"In fact, I_ **_am_ ** _gonna make a habit of it."_

Her head nodded gently as if subtly telling me that she too felt the staticky air lingering between us. Her gaze shifted to my lips, we were slowly moving closer. One of my hands slid over hers, the other pushing a stray hair out of her face.

I watched her lips slightly part and it was over. I pulled her face to mine and kissed her, slowly and gently. Just like I had in the solace of my bedroom years ago. I felt one of her hands tugging at the bottom of my shirt, not trying to remove it, just pulling me closer to her.

All of my self restraint broke when the tip of her tongue grazed my own. My grip on the back of her neck tightened and my other hand went around her waist, she let me guide her down. I leaned over her body as she held herself up on one elbow.

We flowed so well together. My normally dark mind swirled with neon lights in blue, white and silver - patronuses. Hers a wispy, light dragonfly and mine a clumsy bat that was eagerly chasing after the glow that she naturally produced.

My vision was interrupted by a dull pain in my mouth. Not a pain, really, a tugging. Her perfect teeth bit my lip and a low growl escaped my throat. I think she felt me wince, my body tensed up.

_"Fuck, I'm sorry. I shouldn't-"_

A scratching sound from outside the car cut her off, a soft scurrying in the woods around us. Her eyes darted that direction, more full of curiosity than fear. My hands released their hold on her and reached over the back seat, pulling up a half empty bag of cat food.

_"Come here, I have something to show you!"_

I'd only ever let one other broad meet my makeshift family, and that hadn't went so well. But somehow I just knew that she would enjoy this, I knew she was different. So I pulled out a flashlight and shined it into the darkness, a dozen beady little eyes reflecting off of the ray.

She sat up and leaned forward, squinting, trying to make out _exactly_ what it was she was seeing. Finally Richie, a fat fuck of a raccoon, stepped forward.

She breathed a sigh of relief and laughed a little, _"When most people say they're "meeting someone" they usually mean a human, Judd. Jesus Christ!"_

I stepped off of the tailgate and crouched down in front of them all, emptying the remainder of the bag onto the grass, _"Yeah, well, I don't really get along with too many humans, so."_

More of my boys stepped out of the shadows, ten total. I gave out pets and head scratches sparingly but could see her eyeing the small one in the back. He was a younger raccoon, the newest in my pack. I'd found him on the side of the road a few weeks ago and kept him in my bedroom until he trusted me enough to introduce him to my colony.

_"Look in the back seat, there's some fruit."_

She pulled out a banana and I handed her my pocket knife, ushering the youngling toward her. She cut off the first slice and held it out on the tip of her fingers.

I scolded him before he had the chance to react, because I _knew_ how he would react, _"_ ** _Don't. Bite."_**

He slowed his roll and looked back at me, nodding before politely taking to banana out of her hand.

_"How did you get them to behave so well?"_

I shrugged, _"A lot of training. Trial and error shit."_ Holding out my palm to display the healed scar across it, _"You can't push them too far. They respect me but at the end of the day, they're still wild animals."_

It was nice, watching her embrace my raccoons. Not overwhelmingly exciting, just.. right. It felt like this was where we were both supposed to be in that moment.

When their stomachs were bulging and they started retreating back into the underbrush, I helped her out of the car. Walking her around to the passenger side and leaning against the inside of the door while her legs hung over the side.

_"You good now? I'm not gonna hear reports of a shooting on my police scanner the second I leave your house, am I?"_

She rolled her eyes and smiled, _"I don't own a gun, so no."_

I didn't want to shut that door on her. Fuck, there was a battle raging between my heart and my head. One wanted to just get in the driver's seat and drive back to town, the other wanted to ravish her in my front seat. I had to make a decision soon, before all the blood in my body rushed down to the member in my jeans.

_"See, being kidnapped isn't always bad."_

My heart was winning. I ducked under the door frame, leaning closer to her. Her fingers hooked into my belt loops, delivering the final blow to any upper hand the angel on my shoulder might've had.

Just when my forehead reached hers, I could taste her fruity breath on my lips, her phone buzzed in my cup holder. It was a snap back to reality through the dense fog we were both lost in.

I heard her sigh and her fingers dropped from my jeans, _"That's definitely your sister. She's probably wondering where I am."_

_"Right.."_

I backed out of the frame and closed the door for her, lifting myself up into the drivers seat and starting back toward her house, catching snippets of her quick conversation with Leah.

******* End POVs *******

_"Hey, don't freak. I'm fine. I just needed.. some air. No, you don't need to come over. I kinda just wanna be alone tonight anyways, I need to get my head straight._   
_Kurt took a blow, but Judd was there. He kinda stopped me from taking it too far._   
_What? No. I don't know why Judd isn't answering his phone. Does Judd_ **_ever_ ** _answer his phone?"_

Not for Leah, he didn't. He knew that his sister was getting suspicious, it was obvious from the shrill tone of her voice that could be heard through the phone. So Judd reached across the console and rested his hand on your thigh, squeezing gently - like a gear shift that he was telling to slide into park. You took the hint.

_"Listen, Leah, I don't know where your brother is. But I gotta get off here._   
_No, I'm just gonna smoke, make some food and go to sleep. Alright?_   
_Okay, I'll talk to ya tomorrow babes."_

You hung up and tossed you phone back into the cup holder, never trying to move Judd's hand off of your bare thigh. He let it make it's home there, his thumb brushing your skin in a soothing motion the entire drive.


	16. Three Years Ago

It was just a few weeks before your sixteenth birthday. A storm was brewing in New York, one that wasn't quite going to turn into snow but was strong and cold enough that the droplets turned to shards of ice as they pounded against the roof of your house.

You were home alone, you had been for over a week now. The usual, your dad was visiting his own family back in Colombia and you'd expressed no interest in traveling _that_ far for people that you'd never met.

At least, you _thought_ you were alone. You'd hoarded yourself up in your bedroom, surrounded by fluffy blankets and cozy in your softest sweatpants and crewneck. You were having a solo horror movie marathon. All the lights in your room were turned out and you held a bowl of buttered popcorn in your lap, the random bursts of lightning provided for great ambiance.

Just as Talbot (from The Wolfman) gets bitten in the chest by the gypsy's son, you heard a **crash**! Your popcorn went flying and your eyes darted toward the window. No flash of lightening, and this sound was different than typical thunder crashes. It was coming from downstairs and it sounded like the front door slamming against the wall.

_"The wind probably blew it open.."_ You thought to yourself. Having no choice but to go downstairs to lock up, you pulled the blankets off of their resting place atop your head and made for the stairs.

From the top of them, you could tell this was no wind. The door was open, yes, but there was something else stirring on the ground floor of your house. Glass breaking, cups shuffling. If this was a burglar, they were doing a piss-poor job at finding any of the good stuff.

You took a few steps down the stairs quietly, trying not to be seen by the suspect. Still, you couldn't see anyone from around the corner.

_Fuck it, if they're here to kill me I'm probably gonna die anyways. Right?_

You grabbed an umbrella from the stand next to the stairs for protection and barely made it around the corner when you stopped in your tracks.

_"Dad??"_

It was him, soaking wet and fucked up. Like he usually was when he came home from a trip, whether it was to the motherland or for business. He loved airport bars and those little bottles of tequila they gave him on the plane. But this time was.. different. He turned around and you noticed that all of the liquid soaking through his button up wasn't just water, a lot of it was sweat. His pupils were as small as pinholes. He faced you for only a second before turning back toward the liquor cabinet, grabbing a bottle of dark whiskey and pouring it right down his throat. Why bother with a glass when it wasn't going to live there for long anyways?

_"Jesus, Dad, I thought you weren't coming home until the end of the week?! I thought someone was fucking breaking in!"_

As soon as he spoke, you wished you hadn't said a damn thing. His breath reeked and you could smell it even from five feet away. His speech was slurred worse than you'd ever heard and he was testy, _"Home.. this is not our home, mija. Colombia!_ ** _That_** _is our home!_ ** _That_** _is where we belong!"_

You rolled your eyes, _"This again.."_

He'd gone on about it for the past few years, how badly he wanted to move back to Colombia. You'd told him to go ahead, be your guest, but you had no intentions of going with him. And while it angered him that you held this tiny community so close to your heart, he wasn't going to uproot your life and have you loathe him for it in the end.

Your dad heard the sarcastic remark under your breath and turned his attention toward you, you could see the challenging look in his eyes. Like he was daring you to cross him again. You'd never seen a look quite like that one.. not before that moment and not ever again. It scared you even worse than the horror movies you'd been binging in the dark.

The anger combined with the liquor caused his accent to thicken, _"I know why you want to stay here.. you think she's coming back for you. Is that what you believe, Eleanor? You think your whore of a mother is coming back?"_

You tossed the impromptu weapon onto the couch and turned back toward the solace of your own room, _"All right, Dad. I'll see ya when you sober up in_ _the morning_ _."_

Though he was drunk and feeling every bit of his own weight, his footsteps were still quick and light. You didn't hear him approach you from behind and weren't even aware of his presence until a sharp pain shot through your scalp.

_"No te alejes de mi, niña.."_

He was holding you by the hair, pulling you back into the kitchen as your feet struggled to grip the wet hardwood floor beneath them, _"Stop! Ouch, Dad, that_ ** _HURTS_** _!"_

It sounded like he was choking up, like somehow his actions were hurting _him_ more than they were _you_. But you couldn't believe that because the pain that shot through your head was intense. You could hear strands of hair ripping away as we tightened his grip.

_"Dios, you look just like her.. Every day I see her in you. It's this fucking hair."_ He was so disconnected from the world around him. Even against your struggling, pulling your weight was no problem for him at all. It was like he was sleep walking while dragging a feather pillow across the floor behind him.

Tears started to flow from your eyes as you begged him to release you, _"Please, please, I'll get it cut! I'll dye it! Just let_ ** _GO_** _!"_

But he had no intention of letting you go. He made it to the knife block on the counter and you breathed a slight sigh of relief when he grabbed the kitchen scissors instead of the butcher knife. That is, until you understood what his distorted plans were.

_"_ ** _STOP_** _!"_ Your voice was no longer scared and broken, it was commanding. He seemed momentarily stunned by the authority it held and that alone gave you enough time to knock the shears from his hand. Though not enough time to avoid his palm that came down across your cheek.

Your dad believed in corporal punishment, but he'd never used it on you. He'd never needed to. Even now, the blow was unwarranted. The feeling of your tear stained cheek against his palm was a wake up call, he was almost completely sober the second he realized what he'd done.

You fell to the ground and looked up at him. Your relationship now different, you no longer held the same respect for him that you had just a few minutes ago.

_"Mi amor.. por favor perdoname.."_

Scurrying across the floor on your hands and knees, you bolted toward the door. It still hung open from your father's abrupt arrival. And though the weather outside was dangerous, it held the key to freedom that you needed in that moment.

You ran down the street but were reminded by the dark windows that your best friend and his entire family were out of town until the first of the year. Banging on their door with hopes of an escape would be of no use.

So you continued down the pavement at full speed, your feet splashed in ankle deep water that ran over the sidewalk. This was that type of weather that Pennywise got ahold of Georgie in, but you weren't stopping until you reached the only other destination you could think of.

By the time you got there, you were numb all over. Too numb to even cry. You stood in front of Leah's house, most of the lights in it were out as well, but you had no where else to go. So you ran up to the front door and banged on it, a combination of fist pounding and rapid door bell ringing.

Nothing. For three whole minutes, nothing. Still, you refused to give up. You jogged around the corner, your legs now feeling so heavy. Picking up a handful of gravel from the dead flowerbed in the process and throwing them one at a time at Leah's window.

She hadn't told you of any plans, you didn't think she had any family that they usually visited this time of year. Why wasn't she answering??

Just as you reared your hand back to throw the last stone, your fist was caught midair and you were yanked under the protection of the patio.

_"What the_ **_fuck_ ** _are you doing??"_

It was a gravelly voice that was almost drown out by a loud crack of lightening that hit right where you had just been standing. Judd held you by the shoulders, stilling your trembling body.

_"I-I j-j-just need L-leah."_

Your teeth chattered and your frozen clothes stuck to your soaked skin. Judd pushed you inside the glass door that lead to the kitchen, _"She's not here, no one is. And you were throwing those fucking rocks at_ ** _my_** _window, dip-ass."_

Any energy that you had was now gone, along with your stable body temperature. You were so. fucking. cold. In a way it was a good thing, the cold stopped your face from bruising up after the strike from your dad.

Judd grabbed your forearm but you were so numb that you couldn't even feel it, he guided you up the stairs and opened his bedroom door. It was the first glance you'd ever gotten inside it, _"Don't move."_

He disappeared behind the door for a moment before reappearing with a handful of clothes, _"Go in the bathroom, dry off, then put these on. DO NOT get in the shower, you have to raise your temperature slowly or else you'll go into shock."_

Instruction, that was something you could focus on. If you focussed on doing a specific task, like the one at hand, it made the stinging pain of being nearly frozen a little bit more bearable. So you did just as you were told, ringing out your hair and drying off before changing into the clothes you were given.

When you reemerged from the bathroom, Judd still stood in the hallway. His old joggers and band tee were big on you, but at least they were dry. You followed him into his room, that's what it seemed like he wanted you to do.

_"Sit."_ Judd pointed toward the built in seat by his window and you did as you were told. He rummaged through his closet, tossing around various weapons and smoking pieces until he found what he was looking for. An old childhood blanket. Not a baby blanket, per say, just one that he'd held onto since he was a kid. It always made him feel better when he was sick, so it was second nature to grab it for you in this time as well.

Judd tossed the blanket over your shoulders and sat down on the other end of the seat, pulling one of his knees up and letting the other hang off the edge.

You hadn't yet mustered up the energy or warmth to speak, and that was fine with Judd. He was subconsciously assessing your health. Watching your fingertips intensely for the moment they'd stop shaking, eyeing the skin on your arms in hopes that the goosebumps would soon smooth out.

It was the first time that he'd ever seen you outside of Val's basement or not accompanied by his annoying little sister. He thought little of you at all when you were playing the role of "Leah's best friend" - but in those moments in the basement, the two of you were at least acquaintances. You got high together, drank a little every now and then. In a few of those inebriated moments he'd wondered what you were doing hanging out with such disgusting guys. You'd always seemed a little too mature for them, but then he assumed that you were there for the same reason he was - weed and mild friendship. Friendship that could be held at arms length so that it wouldn't burn you in the end.

You looked different now than you did in that basement, though. There you were lively and personable. Funny, even to Judd's sick sense of humor. Now you were small, thanks to the clothes that swallowed you up. You seemed injured and frail, like the baby raccoon he would one day nurse back to health. It scared him what might've happened to bring you down so many notches.

_"Are you fucking crazy? What were you doing out there? It's thirty degrees and flash flooding."_

He was scolding you because he wasn't exactly sure how to show compassion toward anyone. It wasn't in his nature.

Judd handed you a cigarette. He knew you didn't smoke them, having seen you pass them up before, but it would warm you up and steady your breathing. You took it and held it between your lips, allowing him to light it for you as you took in your first big, deep breath in the last twenty minutes.

_"Val wasn't home and I left my phone in my bedroom.. I just needed somewhere to get out of the rain."_

To you, it seemed like an answer that would suffice. But to Judd, it didn't answer his question. He opened the window to let your smoke out and reiterated, _"That's not what I asked. Why were you outside in the first place? You're fucking barefoot_ _, Ellie_ _."_

You looked down at your toes. They were pale, but at least they weren't black and blue from frostbite.

_"Oh.. my dad and I got into a fight. I left. I guess I could've put some shoes on.. but I didn't think about it."_

Judd knew to stop pressing you for information. Not from your body language or dodginess, but from the little he knew about your dad already. There were rumors circulating around town and in the Bilzerian home, ones that hadn't made their way to you yet. Rumors that claimed your dad was an angry alcoholic, a drug runner that was somehow connected to Guy Bilzerian but would never lead back to him in a paper trail. Those rumors were at least half true, that much you knew.

_"Yeah, you could've. You're lucky you don't have fucking frostbite."_

You looked solemnly out the window at the flooded backyard while taking in another huff of smoke, _"Well, if I don't make it through the night, ditch my body in a canal or something. Make it look like I was kidnapped. Y'know, so my dad feels at least a little bad."_

That erupted a slight smile from Judd, _"Revenge from the grave, I like it."_

He watched the light flow back into your eyes as your body temperature slowly rose. Then it dawned on him - the girl that he'd been admiring in a hazy basement and from across his own dinner table for months was now in _his_ bedroom. Alone, wearing _his_ clothes. Smoking one of _his_ cigarettes and curled up in _his_ childhood blanket.

He suddenly felt the need to push you out the door. Get you as far away from him as possible, offer you a ride literally anywhere else but here. Instead he asked, _"Do you smoke?"_

Judd already knew the answer but he gave you a moment to respond anyways, _"We've smoked_ ** _together_** _, dude. Yes. And I could really, really use it right now."_

A few minutes later he was watching you in awe as you ripped an overwhelming bong hit and then passed it to him. You immediately felt your muscles relax, the worries about what you'd face back at home melted away. Right now you were **okay** , that was all that mattered.

_"Where's Leah? And everyone else?"_

Judd blew his smoke out the window and coughed a few times before responding, _"Mom and dad took Nikki to a Broadway show in the city. Leah's out with some fucking loser."_

**That** jogged your memory, _"Oh! Fucking Bradley.. I remember her mentioning something about him now."_

You remembered because you'd warned her about him, but she was adamant that **this** would be the guy she was losing her virginity to. She was hopelessly in love with Bradley Feldman. Their future together all mapped out in her naive little head. Little did either of you know, in three months time you would be holding her on your bedroom floor as she sobbed uncontrollably after finding out that he'd cheated on her.

_"You're not pissed about that?"_

Your brow knitted together in confusion, _"What? Why would I be pissed?"_

_"She's got her own "Val" now. She's gonna be blowing you, and everyone else, off until he's tired of her. That doesn't annoy the fuck out of you?"_

This was the first assumption that you'd heard about your and Val's friendship. Many, many more would come over the years - but Judd was the first to speak openly about it. So you took offense to the accusation, _"Okay, first of all, I don't "blow off" anyone for Val. Especially not Leah! And second, V isn't my "Bradley Feldman". We don't do_ ** _anything_** _like what Leah is probably doing right now, I haven't done that with_ ** _anyone_** _. Val and I are best friends, that's it."_

Judd looked down at his cigarette knowing you were right. He shouldn't assume, especially considering he'd never seen you and Val do anything besides sit a little too close.

_"But I shouldn't be ratting out Leah like that.. What took you so long to answer? I was ringing the doorbell forever."_

He put the bong down on the floor beside the two of you and got up, _"I didn't hear you until those rocks hit my window, you interrupted my music."_

He made his way over to the stereo set up in the corner of his room. It was a tall stack of speakers and dials, sitting atop it was an old record player. You had one, too, but his looked much older than your own. Judd placed the needle back on the disc and you immediately recognized the tune, even though it started in the middle of the track.

_You're walkin' the wire, pain and desire_   
_Lookin' for love in between_   
_Tell me your secrets, I'll tell you mine_

Your hands moved without thinking, accurately imitating the drumbeats that played in the back ground. Judd was doing the same thing with his fingertips to the rhythm of the guitar. If you were both actually holding instruments, you would've made a great duo.

The music was a little loud so Judd raised his voice over it, _"You know The Eagles?"_

You nodded and made your way over to his vinyl collection, eyeing it, _"Mhm. Not so much off of this album.. do you mind?"_

He waved his hand toward the record player, telling you to have at it. You picked out your favorite album and placed it in the machine, dropping the needle onto the groove you were familiar with. You snapped in time with the claps in the songs and quietly sang along with On The Border by The Eagles.

Your hips rocked back and forth gently, how could you not?? The song was way too catchy! When you turned back around, Judd was slightly smiling while watching you. More in a humored manor. The only music ever played in the Bilzerian basement was rap or the Top 100, he had no clue that you were actually into _good_ music.

You burst out laughing at the thought of how ridiculous you probably looked and Judd's stoic expression broke, joining you in a fit of laughter. He fell backwards into his bed, patting the spot beside him. You did the same, taking in the music and hazy ceiling above you.

The track played through James Dean and hit Ol' 55, a much slower pace. Judd turned his face toward you, his head resting on the his palms that were folded behind his head.

_"Is that one of your big, dark secrets? That you don't just listen to the shit Val plays. You gotta kill me now?"_

You scoffed and turned on your side in his direction, _"I wouldn't kill you in your own home, that would be so disrespectful! Besides, I don't have any secrets."_

_"Then why don't I know anything about you?"_

The question caught you off guard. You never knew that Judd **wanted** to know anything about you, _"What do you wanna know?"_

Was _"everything"_ too broad of a question? Judd didn't know where to start, _"I don't know.. what's your favorite band?"_

Your eyes rolled and huffed, _"Let's get these out of the way, Creedence Clearwater Revival. I love old horror movies, the classics. I'm a Sagittarius, my favorite color is yellow_ _and I'll do just about anything for a good steak. Oh, and_ _no, I_ ** _really_** _haven't slept with anyone."_

You knew the questions that would come, they were the same with nearly every guy you met.

_"Why not?"_

That.. that question wasn't so easily answered. You knew that you _could_ lose your virginity, probably with anyone you wanted. But what came after? Did you turn into Leah? Hopelessly in love with a guy that you'd one day forget all about. Did they more or less own you, like Guy Bilzerian did his wife (whose name you still didn't know)?

_"It just seems so... complicated. Not sex, I get that. I guess I'm just not into the whole "commitment" part that comes with it."_

Judd sat up, intrigued by your take on the subject. He leaned back against his headboard while you situated yourself criss-cross in front of him and took another cigarette from his hands.

_"Either I have sex with someone I don't know and I'm labeled a slut, or I have sex with someone I'm into and then they pretty much own me. Right? That's how it seems to go."_

Judd huffed on his own stoge slowly, trying to follow your train of thought, _"So, what? You're just not gonna fuck anyone because you're scared of relationships and being called a few mean names?"_

_"No. I_ _guess I_ _just want it to be with someone cool.. someone that doesn't think I owe them my undying attention in return. Does that make sense?"_

It made perfect sense to Judd. He'd been with girls, only a few, but enough to know what he **didn't** want. The few he'd been with had expected so much out of him, and so quickly. They'd never seemed content with just _being_ with him.

_"Yeah.. that makes sense."_ The record played through Good Day in Hell and he heard the beginning chords to The Best of My Love strumming through his speakers. It felt like too sappy of a song for the moment, so he lowered his feet off the bed to change it, _"I'll find another record to put on-"_

_"No, this is a good song!"_ You stepped toward his set up and turned it up just a little, you can't just listen to a FULL Eagles album and skip the last track!

_Every night I'm lying in bed_   
_Holdin' you close in my dreams_   
_Thinkin' about all the things that we said_   
_And comin' apart at the seems_

_"You wanna dance?"_

Judd's hand went to the scruff of his neck, itching his undercut. He'd never met anyone with as much natural confidence as you, it made him nervous, _"I dunno.. I don't really dance."_

You cocked your head and held out your hand, _"That's a lie, Judd. I saw you dancing with that pink haired girl at The Snow Ball last year. If you don't want to, just say so."_

Hearing you say his name for the first time made his skin heat up. He _didn't_ want to say no, but he was scared that you'd feel his warmth and question what had him so hot.

Reluctantly, he grabbed your hand, _"If you tell_ ** _anyone_** _about-"_

An amused smile spread across your face, _"Shutttt uppp."_ You moved his hands to your waist and yours intertwined behind his neck. You were now closer to him than he'd _ever_ seen you with Val.

_"I'm not gonna tell anyone, idiot. And even if I did, you're all bark."_

Judd's heartbeat sped up just a tad as the blood in his chest rushed down his body. Something about your willingness to challenge him.. his fingers tightened their grip around your waist as he felt your body swaying against his in time with the music. You rested your head on his chest and he finally began moving with you.

Judd rested his chin atop your head and responded in a less apathetic tone than usual, _"You're talking a lot of shit for someone that just almost froze to death in my backyard."_

To him, it felt like decades before you responded. He almost didn't want you to, scared that you would say something to ruin the perfect moment the two of you were having. _This_ was what those other girls had been lacking. The ability to just shut the fuck up and enjoy the silence around them. That, and the fact that he never felt the overwhelming, suffocating feeling in his chest that he was feeling now. It was the same feeling he wouldn't experience again for years, until you were sitting on the tailgate of his Jeep in the middle of the woods.

Judd felt your head move out from under his chin and found himself looking down into your big, hazel eyes. He wondered if it was true, that your pupils dilate when you see something you're attracted to - because yours were big enough to take in everything around you and he would bet money that his looked the same.

_"I know I don't have to say it - but thank you, Judd."_

He was suddenly aware of your cat-like claws that were slowly stroking his undercut, _"Why do you think you don't have to say it?"_

Judd fought the immense urge to shift his gaze to your lips, but he couldn't stop the magnetic feeling in his face that was drawing him closer to you. His eye contact broke when you started to speak, _"Because you're not that kind of guy. I know I don't owe you anything."_

Your earlier words replayed in his head as the distance between the two of you closed. _I just want it to be with someone cool.. someone that doesn't think I owe them my undying attention in return_.

It clicked in his head, Judd knew what you were getting at. And before he had the chance to even _consider_ stopping himself, his lips crashed against yours. It wasn't the hot, starving, selfish type of kiss that he was used to.. it was slow and loving. Something neither of you had ever experienced.

After a few moments the two of you pulled away from each other's faces, you hands still wrapped around foreign bodies. Looking each other up and down as if surveying whether or not what was about to happen was **really** about to happen.

And then, in unison, your lips were one again. Except this time your face was pulled to Judd's by his hand, he'd pushed it into your still damp hair and when his tongue begged your mouth for entry you obliged.

In no time at all, Judd fell back onto his cloud of a mattress with you in tow - landing on top of him. You were pulling off each other's clothes sparingly, yours actually being his.

You let Judd explore your body that night and he guided you around his. But no one would ever know. 


	17. New York Harbor

Judd relived that night in his dreams for the entire week after you spent the evening in the back of his Jeep. He decided he had no other choice but to make a move, his memories were driving him crazy. When he slept, the visions were so real that he could almost feel you.. he'd wake with a cramping in his groin and a sticky, wet spot in his boxers before they even got to the good part.

So he stayed awake on that last morning, contemplating how to get you alone again. Would texting you be too casual? For him, yes. He moved on impulse, showering before he knew Leah would be awake and snuck out of the house. Judd dressed for the weather in a pair of black distressed jeans, and a sport grey hoodie with his usual pair of converse.

Soon you were silencing your phone for the second time. It was your worst habit, having to set five alarms just to wake up in the mornings.

Barely a second had passed since your ringer went quiet when you were stricken by fear. You heard a stranger's voice speak in front of your sealed shut eyes.

_"You can't just wake the fuck up the first time?"_

Your eyes shot open and while you were suddenly relieved, your heart was beating a mile a minute, _"Jeeeesusss. God damnit!"_

You rolled over toward the wall and pulled your body completely under the blankets, _"Have you never heard of a fucking_ ** _PHONE_** _, Judd?!"_

His laughter could be heard even through the thick comforter, he yanked it off of you from the bottom of the bed, _"You can't deny that it's_ ** _much_** _more entertaining this way. Well, for me, anyways."_

You groaned, rubbing your eyes before sitting up in bed and sleepily asking, _"Am I being kidnapped again?"_

Though Judd was glad that you'd been okay with his "kidnappings" so far, he didn't want that to be the extent of his interactions with you. He didn't just want to see you in the cover of the night when no one else was around and the only thing to do was chain smoke and get high.

_"That depends.. do you wanna be kidnapped?"_

You got up and stretched, bending over to touch your toes and twisting you spine every which way to knock out the kinks, _"Oh, now_ ** _I'm_** _calling the shots?"_

You stood up straight and looked across your room at Judd. He looked nice, leaned back so smoothly against your bedroom door. You liked his change of apparel. The blue tips of his hair nearly blended in with the black roots due to his hair still being damp. Meanwhile, your response caused a tune to pop into Judd's head. It was I Wanna Be Yours by Arctic Monkeys.

_"It's hard to kidnap someone in broad daylight, Ellie. Either you come with me willingly or you don't."_

Judd started to cross the room slowly, holding his arms coolly behind his back, trying his damnedest to pretend that he wasn't praying you'd say yes.

_"And what are you gonna do all day if I say no?"_

He shrugged, _"Probably just.. get into a bunch of trouble. Maybe get arrested, make a disgrace of my family name.."_

You smiled and pretended to think real hard about the decision for a moment.. but deep down you knew that you'd go anywhere Judd asked you to. You'd do _anything_ to escape to frenzy that your life was quickly becoming and the few times you'd found yourself alone with Judd in the past few weeks, all those worries had seemed to melt away. You liked how easy he was to talk to. Even through his cold, stoney demeanor, you were able to talk to him and he would just listen. No judgment or solutions. That's what you needed, someone that would **just listen**.

_"Well what sort of person would I be if I allowed Judd Birch to terrorize the city while I sat in pre-cal? I'm gonna shower. I already know you're gonna snoop so have at it."_

He didn't have time to snoop for long considering it wasn't a hair wash day. When you came out wrapped in your robe, you weren't surprised to see Judd rummaging through your top drawer.

_"Panty raid?"_

Judd peaked over his shoulder with a smirk, _"Don't get cocky, this is where chicks hide all the good shit."_

He wasn't wrong - but he wasn't exactly right either.. after shuffling through dozens of pairs of thongs and hipsters, all he found was a photograph. Just one. In it was the portrait of a warm summer day on the New York Harbor. A picnic by the water being enjoyed by a mother and daughter. Behind them, pulled up onto the bank sat a turquoise blue canoe. Judd could only assume it was you and your mom. You had the same auburn hair then that you did now and it was obvious who you'd inherited it from.

_"This your mom?"_

You snatched the photo from his hand and shoved it to the back of the drawer, grabbing a random pair of underwear and shoved it shut, _"Wow, you're a real Einstein."_

You collected a few other items of clothing from around your room and slammed the door to your bathroom behind you. When you came back out you were wearing a loose, high waisted pair of shorts. Tucked into them was a golden colored Salem College sweatshirt, your prospective alma mater.

Judd sat on the edge of your bed, elbows on his knees as he waited for you to come out, _"I wasn't trying to intrude. You told me I could snoop, so I did. Maybe don't give people free reign if there's shit you don't want them to find."_

You avoided eye contact with him while pulling on your Vans, but it was hard when you could feel his emerald green eyes burning a hole in your skull, _"I know. I just haven't looked at that photograph in a long time.. I think I forgot it was even back there."_

Not only had you pushed that picture to the back of your dresser drawer, you'd pushed it to the deepest depths of your memory. But being reminded of it now.. you knew what you wanted to do with your day of playing hookie.

You approached Judd at your bedside, standing close enough to him that he wouldn't be able to get up without hitting his kneecaps against yours, _"Come on. It's nice outside, perfect day for a kidnapping."_

He grasped your outreached hand and you helped him up, following him out to his Jeep for the second time in the past week.

~

The drive to the city was quiet. It reminded you of that night in his bedroom, when the two of you danced in a comforting silence. The only sound heard between you now (aside from giving Judd directions every now and then), was the sound of your Bic when he motioned for you to give him a light.

Eventually you led him up a short gravel road that was lined with bushes and a few trees. Not exactly the woods, considering you were in Manhattan. Judd parked his car and looked over the console at you, _"You're not tired of being in the middle of the woods with me yet?"_

You smiled and pushed your door open, _"This isn't that Blair Witch shit you had me in last week. Besides, we aren't staying here."_

_"Then why are we-"_ Judd had barely stepped out of the driver's seat when his eyes followed you to the only patch of thick foliage in the area, out from behind it stuck that same turquoise blue canoe that he'd seen in the photos.

_"Don't just watch, help me! Fuck, this is heavy!"_

Judd stomped out his cigarette and jogged over to you, pushing you out of the way and dragging the boat to the bank. You followed behind him with the two oars thrown over your shoulder and eagerly jumped in before it got too far off the embankment.

If you could've witnessed the happiness in your eyes the way Judd was seeing you now, you wouldn't have recognized yourself. It'd been almost a decade since you'd been in a canoe, having bought this one back from the stranger it ended up with simply because it sparked a sense of nostalgia in your heart. But you'd never actually taken it out on the water, you'd just stored it here because you were afraid of the rage it would inflict on your dad if he saw it propped up in his garage.

The oars hit the floor of the canoe and you were smiling wildly when you felt it slowly start to rock as the water slipped underneath it.

_"It's 50 degrees out, Elle. It's gonna be even colder out th-"_

Judd stopped when he felt both of your hands grip his own, pulling him down the gravel ledge. He had no choice but to either slip into the water or jump into the boat along with you, he chose the latter.

The two of you were alone on the harbor. No one else wanted to face the cold temperatures and brisk winds that the open water provided.

_"Aren't you, like, deathly afraid of water or something?"_

You smiled over your shoulder, _"Or something.. I'm not fond of it. But this place.."_ You looked back ahead, over the glimmers of light that reflected off the surface, _"It just reminds me of her."_

Judd pulled his oar back into the boat and you felt him tugging at yours from behind. You let him take it, now being in the middle of the harbor anyways. You turned around to face him and could tell that there was a question lingering behind his lips.

_"You can ask, Judd. It's okay."_

He lay back against the stern and let it out, _"What happened?"_

You did the same, laying against the bow while your ankles rested between Judd's spread legs, " _They got divorced. Both of them thought the other was cheating and I don't think either of them really were, but, y'know.. all it takes is a little bit of doubt to ruin a good thing. The custody battle was fucking brutal. Mom never worked because dad never asked her to, so she didn't have anything stable going for her. Plus my dad holds dual citizenship, she was only here on a green card, so.. Dad got full custody. After like two years of dad denying her visitation she just left. I guess she went back to Ireland, I don't really know."_

It was a question that all of your friends wondered but none had ever dared to ask. You hated it, the way they tiptoed around the topic whenever your mom was brought up. She wasn't a curse word or a taboo subject, she was your fucking mom.

_"That's.. pretty fucking shitty of your dad, actually."_

You laughed a little at the honestly in his response, _"Yeah.. yeah, it was."_

Judd could see the sadness creeping into your eyes. His mind told him that he had to stop this, that he had caused that emotion by asking what everyone else wanted to and now he had to fix it. So he grabbed you by the ankle when you weren't expecting it, pulling you toward his end of the boat.

_"Hey!"_ You couldn't stop the giggles between your exclamations, _"What are you doing??"_

Judd pulled you even closer, his hand now gripping your calf, _"Turn around, I know you're fucking freezing. You always are."_

You did as he said, turning so your back was facing him just like it was for the first half of your adventure. Then.. your skin grew goosebumps. You felt Judd's hands snake their way around your waist, pulling you back against him. He shoved the two on-board life jackets behind his back, forming a makeshift pillow.

You laid back against his chest, staring up at the clouds and letting the water lull you back and forth. Judd's deep voice spoke low into your ear through the laps of tiny waves around you, _"She's a fucking idiot too, though. For not trying harder, I mean. She's missing out."_

Judd's hand slid up from your waist, brushing against your chest and over your throat. When his fingertips grazed your chin you felt a chill run up your spine that wasn't from the wind this time.. he gently turned your face toward him and leaned over your shoulder.

Your hand went to the back of his neck, pulling him into you. God, you didn't realize how much you'd missed the feeling of his lips against yours. Some girls may have shied away from the taste of tobacco and wood chips, but to you.. it was almost a familiar taste. Like coming home after being gone for three years.

You pressed your lips against his harder and Judd's body responded without instruction from his head, his fingers dug further into your abdomen - trying to pull you even closer to him. But the canoe couldn't handle both of your weights at one end, it rocked backwards like it wanted to dump the two of you out. Your body tensed up at the the thought of going under that deep, dark, cold water.

_"Chill, I got it."_

Judd whispered against your lips as he slid down to the middle of the boat, dragging you along with him and laying back completely against the floor. You turned over, facing him and pressing your lips back against his. Harder this time, unable to get enough of that intoxicating taste.

Your shirt came untucked and Judd's hands ran over your bare skin underneath. He gripped your hips and waist, pulling you down further against his lap. You could feel the bulge growing beneath his jeans.

You nipped at his bottom lip, nursing the wound with your tongue as a soft moan escaped his throat. That moan caused a churching in the pit of your stomach and a tinge of satisfaction between your legs.. you _loved_ hearing guys moan, and Judd Birch was no exception to that kink.

But you didn't want to lead him on too much. The canoe was cramped and just big enough for the two of you, but not big enough for anything **close** to what you wanted to do to him.

You let go of his lips and sat up on his waist, your hands on his chest, _"Not here, Judd."_

He nodded understandably, shifting himself up with you still on his lap. He pulled your your face to his one more time and mumbled, _"I know."_ before kissing you again.

The two of you rowed back to the shore and Judd pulled the canoe up the bank, hiding it in the bushes just like you had before.

~

You caught a couple of street hotdogs from the comfort of your window while driving back through the city, making dirty jokes while eating them the entire way home. Judd came to a stop at the sidewalk in front of your house.

_"You sure you wanna go home already? I think we could find a way to waste a few more hours..."_

His voice trailed off as he leaned over the console, making his way toward your ear before you shied away.

_"I'm sure. I can skip school but I can't dip out on my girls, we have a game tonight."_

Judd's eyes rolled around in his head, he'd never been fond of many people at all and couldn't understand how you managed to be around so many of them them for so long. He was pouting, turning his head toward the open window and sticking a cigarette between his lips.

You traced your fingernails over his knee, stopping halfway up his thigh when he looked over at you curiously.

_"Come over tonight, Judd. After my game."_

He finally cocked a smile and grabbed you by the back of the head, pulling you in sweetly while nodding 'yes'.


	18. Rotten

** Judd's POV **

I snuck into the gymnasium over halfway through the game, standing safely against the side of the bleachers where my sister and her loose friend, Talulah, would never see me.

Either this team was great, or Ellie's team was just really, really shitty. They were losing by like, a lot. I could see the frustration on her face from all the way across the room. It was made even more obvious when her team went back to their bench during a timeout and she grabbed a sophomore by the cheeks, forcing the girl to look at her "I am the Captain" style.

She looked animalistic, like this wasn't just a game for her. This court was her hunting grounds and her pack mates had somehow allowed their prey to become the predators.

In the end, they lost. I watched Ellie throw herself against the shiny floor one last time to save the missed ball, but it looked like she gave up at the last minute, realizing that it didn't matter. It was over.

The buzzer rang and the winning team cheered, huddling together. Ellie rolled onto her back, her knees cocked up and seething. A thin freshman girl on her team offered her a helping hand, instead of taking it Elle just stuck out her middle finger. I chuckled to myself about the gesture.

The crowd was flooding down the bleachers now, making their way through the doors back to their cars. I wasn't paying attention to any of them, I was just looking through the crowd for my sister or her friend so that I could be sure to avoid them.

But my attention was gained when a shoulder smacked my own violently. Not an accidental brushing, this was intentional. I turned around to see none other than Val. He was alone this time.

_"Whatcha doin' Judd? Taking in the_ **_view_ ** _?"_

His voice clung onto the last word, drawing it out as his eyes followed one of the player's asses as she walked past us.

_"Suck a dick, faggot."_

It was an easy enough response. Val didn't seem to have any game plan for how he wanted this encounter to go anyways. When another girl in uniform approached him, the small black girl that'd had her face squeezed by Ellie earlier in the game, he threw his arm over her shoulder and they were gone.

The bodies were thinner now. I eyed Leah and her friend jogging down the bleachers toward my girl.

_My girl? Er.. Ellie._

She was shoving her shit into a gym back angrily and waved them off. I think they asked her if she wanted to hang tonight. But no, she had other plans.

I dipped through the doorway beside the stands as they turned my way, hiding out in the locker room until I knew the coast would be clear. Just as I was about to pull the door open though, it was pushed toward me. I jumped back quickly and it slammed against the concrete wall.

Ellie ran straight into me, startled. A wave of relief washed over her face when she saw who I was and she rested her forehead against my chest with a sigh, _"God, I thought you were Kurt or Val here to spy on me again.."_

My eyes followed her down the dim corridor to the showers and my feet followed shortly after. She could've been walking straight through the gates of Hell and I think I would have followed her.. I know I would've.

I mumbled under my breath thinking she couldn't here me, _"You're half right.."_

She looked over her shoulder at me with a cocky half grin and raised eyebrow, _"Still salty you didn't get those "refresher" photos?"_

A snarky comeback was on the tip of my tongue, but it disappeared from my mind when she pulled her jersey over her head and dropped it on the outskirts of the shower stall.

She didn't have the biggest chest I'd ever seen. No, her ass was where she was blessed. But tits are tits, and hers were now only covered by a skimpy bra. Then went her shoes, followed by her tight volleyball shorts.

She was teasing me. Holding eye contact while she inched the shorts over her caramel thighs, leaving her in just a thong and bra. The shower door unlatched and she disappeared inside without closing it behind her. I heard the water turn on, steam floated from over the walls of the stall, beckoning me toward it.

When I got to the opening she stood just outside of the stream with her arm covering her chest, _"You getting in or just watching?"_

I leaned against the door with my arms crossed. She wanted to have the upper hand on me... but it would be a cold day in hell before I let that happen.

** End POVs **

Judd watched you like a hawk as you washed away all the sweat and salt from your body. You'd fully expected him to jump at the chance to join you. What guy wouldn't? It was almost demeaning to have him standing there fully clothed while you were stark naked. Demeaning, yes, but you liked it.

_"You're just eating this up, aren't you?"_

You asked while shutting the water off and ringing your hair out over shoulder, but just as the words escaped your lips the two of you were startled by a banging from the other end of the locker room. It was the door slamming against the wall, you were no longer alone.

Judd moved quickly, pushing himself into the oversized stall and ducking below the top. He became filled with annoyance when he heard Leah's shrill voice echo through the room.

_"Elle! You in here, girl?"_

You hesitated but responded as she got closer, _"Yeah, I'm back here. I thought you and Tules were going to her place?"_

_"We are_ _._ _I just wanted to check on you again.. you took a hard fall at the end, how's your hip?"_

She was stepping closer and closer to where you were and just after she mentioned your hip, you felt a hand brush your skin. Every damp hair on your body stood up and your heart pounded in your chest. You glanced down and saw Judd with a devious grin on his face.

_"Uh, yeah Leah.. I'm fine. I'm just gonna shower and get ready to drill to hell out of the girls in the morning. You don't need to wait up for me."_

You held your breath as Judd's hands slid over the top of your thighs. He was kneeling in front of you now and thankfully Leah was just far enough away to not be able to see under the stall.

Your attempts to get her to leave you alone were working, but not quick enough. She continued, _"Well, okay.. Hey, what are you doing tomorrow afternoon? We were gonna go biking_ _at_ _Brighton_ _Beach_ _, if you wanna-"_

_"Yeah, yeah, Leah."_ Judd's lips met your stomach just below your belly button, kissing you gently and pawing at your thighs as he rested one of your legs over his shoulder. _"That sounds great. I'll call you when I'm done with practice."_

She eventually got the point, _"All right. I guess I'll see you later. Get some rest girl!"_

Judd's dark laugh was muffled against your skin the second the door closed behind her, you looked down to see him pressed against your mound. You reached down and ran your hand through his hair, speaking to him while gripping the top of the stall with your other hand, _"You're such a fucking creep, Judd."_

_"Yeah?"_ His hand slid up your thigh and brushed his thumb between them, feeling the wetness against your lips, _"Looks like you're pretty fucking into it.."_

But Judd didn't want to have you there, not in the confines of a damp, dim, shower stall. He kissed your stomach one last time before standing up and grabbing your towel, draping it over your shoulders. You thought that when you looked up into his eyes you would find some sort of softness, the kind that you'd seen on his own back porch and in the canoe.

Instead you saw pure hunger. You recognized it because you'd had that same look in your eye so many times while taking guys and girls to bed for no reason other than to fill that need.

_"Get dressed and meet me at my car."_

~

You found Judd smoking a cigarette outside of his car when you strolled eagerly across the parking lot. He was back to looking cold and stoic as usual, the only way you'd ever seen him before these past few weeks.

A war was raging inside his head. One side with the intentions of dropping you off outside of your house and never looking back. The other wanting more than anything to follow you up to your bedroom and never leave again.

He drove one handed in silence, the other squeezing your thigh so tight that it would leave a light pink palm print once he removed it. For some reason, you were worried. You'd never had anyone, especially not a **guy,** seem so harrowed by the thought of getting laid.

Judd pulled into your driveway and put the car in park, you looked over and noticed him biting his bottom lip anxiously. He was deep in thought and you needed to know where you stood in all of that.

You spoke meekly, _"What are you thinkin' about, Judd?"_

It was so, so quiet. You thought that if he didn't say something soon you would definitely be driven mad from the silence.

When Judd finally turned your direction, his eyes were darker than you'd ever seen them before. He spoke slowly so that you wouldn't mishear him, _"Get upstairs. Now. I'm about to eat you alive."_

Your rotten heart swooned and Judd watched your eyes light up with excitement. He could've been the Devil in disguise and in that moment, you would've signed your name in his book of souls with a smile on your face.

Instead the two of you hopped out of the car and raced each other through the front door. You were barely two steps ahead of him the way up the stairs, and that was only because he allowed you to be. How else was he supposed to get the perfect view of your ass?

Judd finally caught you by the hand right after you made it into your bedroom, pulling you to him while simultaneously kicking the door shut. Your clothes came off quickly as the two of you kissed. You gasped for breath while he tugged your shirt over your head, your lips felt raw. But Judd didn't care, he pulled your face back to his by the back of your neck. His fingers tangling in your hair and forcing a moan out of your throat.

He chuckled low and you smiled embarrassingly, mumbling a, _"Fuck you."_ against his lips.

His kisses slowed down as he responded, _"If you're good._ _B_ _ut first-"_

Judd pulled off his shirt and unbuckled his belt before nodding toward the floor in front of him, _"Get on your knees, baby."_

Somehow, even through his gravely voice, he managed to sound so sweet. Or maybe it was just because your head was already filled with pink clouds. You did as he said, dropping to your knees and taking the lead.

You pulled down his pants and fished his cock out of his boxers. He was just as blessed as you'd remembered.. and you wasted no time taking it into your hands. Running your tongue up his shaft and kissing the tip gently.

Judd's head rolled back when you took him into your mouth. He was aching and knew that soon you would offer the sweet relief that he craved. He moaned, deep and strained, trying his hardest to hold it all in. That moan drove you to really work for it, his cock disappeared down your throat as you sucked him off.

You felt a hand on the back of your head. Judd was pushing his cock into your mouth, balls deep as you held your breath. You weren't used to guys being this pushy but you fucking loved it. He let go of you just long enough for you to suck in a deep breath of air, then back down on his cock you went. The feeling of your throat massaging his shaft was too much for him. You looked up just as a tsunami started to wash over him, Judd's eyes now soft and.. grateful?

But that look didn't last long, his eyes closed as more low moans escaped his lips and he gripped your hair tight. You could feel his warm, salty cum coating your tonsils. It wasn't particularly tasty, but you took it because you knew it was what he wanted. You'd never felt the need to just be _good_ for someone, but now that feeling was overwhelming.

You felt Judd's body ease up, his muscles no longer tense. You wiped your mouth and chin of all the drool that you'd spilled. You thought it was over, that's usually what happened when the guy ended up finishing first. But you were wrong, Judd pulled his boxers back up over his softening cock and pulled you to your feet - kissing you passionately and walking you toward the bed.

_"Judd, you don't have to- *kiss* Really, it's- *kiss*"_

He pushed you backward onto your bed and grabbed your legs, _"Shut up. I know I don't_ _have to_ _."_

You slid up to the top of the bed and Judd's head rested between your legs, kissing his way up your inner thighs until he got to your panties.

_"I told you I was going to eat you alive, and I meant it."_

His hot breath hit your damp underwear and you shuttered, laying back against the pillows. Judd pulled them off and dove in, running his tongue up your center as you melted into the mattress.

Your arm went over your face in an attempt to hide how weak you felt. You regretted that move immediately. Judd's tongue stopped and you looked down, he stared up at you demandingly.

_"Don't you fucking dare hide. I wanna watch you cum."_

You nodded and soon Judd's tongue was attacking your clit. To him you tasted like sweet, sweet nectar, he couldn't get enough. But he knew it would soon get even sweeter.

_"Holy shhhit, right there.."_

Your moans were like music to his fucking ears. He massaged your clit with his tongue, slipping a finger inside of you. You gripped the sheets below and rolled your hips against him, hearing him speak, _"You want another one?"_

You nodded vigorously and felt a second digit push deep inside, you couldn't take much more. Judd fingered you in slow strokes while lapping between your thighs.

You felt it hit you and it was like the first time all over again. Your vision went in and out and your head rolled back against the pillows. Judd kept every inch of his fingers inside of you and you came all over them.

You lay there panting when it was over, now allowed to cover your damp, flushed face with your arm. Judd sat up between your legs, his hands on your waist. The two of you were both covered in sweat and you thought that he was expecting round two. If this were any other time, you'd be ready to go. But you were so spent. You couldn't remember the last time you came that hard, it'd taken everything out of you.

When you finally opened your eyes you looked up at Judd, he was just as sweaty as you were.

_"What?"_

He was spaced out looking at you but your voice brought him back to Earth, _"What?"_ Judd realized that he was obviously staring, _"Oh I was just.."_

His hazy mind couldn't come up with a good excuse, so he just decided to drop the facade, _"I was just looking at you. You're fucking beautiful, you know."_

Your flushed cheeks somehow became even more pink, _"You're not so bad yourself."_

Judd smiled before thanking you with a kiss. A deep, loving kiss that felt like a blow from Cupid's arrow. He then stood up and tossed you his own shirt to put on for the night, _"It's fucking hot in here."_

You agreed while pulling his shirt over your head and snatching your panties from the foot of the bed, _"Open that window, it can stay open for the night."_

Judd stood right in front of the window, he couldn't convince it to open so you joined him and finally, it budged.

On the other side of the fence, right across from your window, was Val. You'd already forgotten that your window looked right into his and he saw it all. Judd with nothing but his boxers on, you with only Judd's t-shirt on. He even watched Judd playfully swat at your ass as you turned back toward the bed. Val stood there until you were both out of his field of vision and the lights in your room went dark.

He felt a small tinge of pain strike through his chest, but more so, he felt his entire heart drop into the dark pit of his stomach.


	19. 17 Again

Judd snuck out of your house early the next morning as to not be caught by any wandering eyes that happened to be driving by. You went to practice, your heart not really in it, and drilled the fuck out of your girls. Their thighs would ache for the rest of the week but they'd be sure think twice before giving you a half ass performance again. You ordered them to lay off the sugars, increase their protein intake, and be sure to carb load before every game.

Leah and Talulah met you at your place later that day and the lot of you mounted your bikes to the roof of Tules' RAV4, making your way to Brighton Beach. It was surprisingly nice out. You biked up and down the boardwalk, people watching and shooting daggers at cat-callers.

It didn't cross your mind how blind you'd become until Leah pointed out a group of guys your age, _"Ooooh, Ellie! Look over there, that guy is totally checking you out!"_

Talulah was quick to agree with her. Against the wooden railing leaned a guy that looked similar to you. You guessed he was Colombian, maybe mixed as well. Sun kissed skin with dark, curly hair. Usually, a guy with a smile as bright and welcoming as his would entice you. You'd set your sights on him and would go home with at least his number.

But now.. you recognized that he **was** attractive, you just weren't attracted to him. You didn't feel that hungry, predatory churning in the pit of your stomach that you used to. It was because he wasn't who you wanted.

_"Eh.. The whole Val thing has me kinda turned off to guys right now."_

Your friends accepted that answer easy enough.

You spent the next three weeks avoiding Leah's house at all costs and waiting for Judd to text you late at night, after everyone in his home was fast asleep and he had the chance to sneak out undetected. He would text you when he was outside and you'd meet him at the door. Sometimes the two of you would just watch a movie or put on a record, often you would fool around. But you never went past doing oral.

It was late on a Saturday night when you got a sporadic text from Judd.

**_Judd: What are you doing?_ **

That was strange, usually he just texted you _"Here"_ or _"Open the door, loser"._

**_You: In bed. You here?_ **   
**_Judd: Nope. Car committed seppuku earlier today._ **

Another text immediately followed.

**_Judd: Come over._ **   
**_You: You know I can't. What if we get caught?_ **

Honestly, you weren't even sure that there was a reason behind your sneaking around. Would Leah _really_ be that upset over her best friend and brother getting involved?

**_Judd: It wasn't a question. You're coming over. Text me when you're at the back door._ **

You had no intentions of following his orders this time. It was too risky and though you couldn't be sure, something just told you that Leah would be **furious** is she found out you were blowing her brother on the side. What if their parents found out? You couldn't risk disappointing the most stable parental figures you'd ever-

Another text came though. A photo that you only had to glance at before knowing what it was - Judd's rock hard dick. Your fingers moved rapidly against the screen.

**_You: Leaving now._ **

~

You walked there. Well, fast walked, that knees to chest type walking. You couldn't risk someone seeing your car so by the time you stood at the sliding glass door, you were trembling. You sent that _"Here"_ text that you'd been on the receiving end of so many times now.

The door opened and you stepped inside, _"Maybe put a little fucking pep in your step next time, Ju-"_

His hand slapped over your mouth, hushing you immediately in the disturbingly quiet house. He lower his lips to your ear and spoke low, _"Shut up you fucking idiot. Do you_ ** _want_** _to get caught?"_

Absolutely the fuck not. You shook your head and he took that as a good enough answer, freeing your mouth and taking your hand. His rough, calloused palm in your silky smooth one had become something of the regular. He led you up the stairs, you followed in his exact footsteps because he knew better than you where to step without causing a loud creaking throughout the house.

It was a breath of fresh air to make it safely into his bedroom. You breathed in deep, remembering the scent. Wood chips and cigarettes. The only difference between now and all those years ago was that now every light in his room was on. You could see the posters that lined the walls clearly, the small pile of clothes that sat in the corner. He'd obviously done at least a little cleaning up on your way over.

You threw yourself onto his bed on your back, bouncing against it and taking in the warm contrast from the outside world. Judd looked at you from across the room as your sat up on your elbows and kicked off your shoes.

_"You fucked up, Judd. Now I have the perfect blackmail to use against you."_

He rolled his eyes and went to the record player, popping in Santana's Abraxas album and turning it down low so that no one could here you.

Judd grabbed you by the ankle and pulled your calf up to his lips, kissing your cold skin while refusing to entertain the thought of you betraying him. You continued, now speaking in terms that you knew would catch his attention.

_"When your face is plastered all over the news for being a potential threat to society.. that's when I'm gonna leak those pictures."_ He smiled against your thigh and continued trailing kisses over your hips, pushing your shirt up and gently biting your ribs, _"You'll have the prettiest, most insecure girls in the world writing you in prison."_

Judd stopped at your neck and pulled his face up to yours, seemingly looking into your soul. Oddly enough.. that was somehow the sweetest thing anyone had ever said to him. He held your chin in his hand and asked, _"You'd do that for me?"_

You shook your head before responding, _"Fuck no.. I want you all to myself."_

Judd's pearly white canines glowed through his lips as they parted. He kissed you forcefully, moving down your jaw to your throat and biting down. He rested on top of you and your nails dug into his shoulders, you were sure that he'd drawn blood. But just as soon as you felt a hint of real, arousing pain, Judd's warm tongue replaced his teeth. He lapped at the forming bruise before moving onto the next spot on your neck.

You could feel him stiffening between your legs and rolled your hips against his lap, teasing him. A strained groan echoed loud in your ear and his body tensed up. Judd wanted you. Every atom that made up who he was was on fire, telling him to do what nature intended.

He pushed your shirt the rest of the way up your stomach, over your chest. It was no surprise that you weren't wearing a bra. He rolled one of your nipples around with his thumb while your sweatshirt fell to the floor.

Judd's warm tongue met your other nipple with a surprising delicacy. His teeth grazed it like a great white shark sampling it's prey before deciding whether or not he wanted more - and he did. His love bite was followed by your hand raking through his hair, tugging approvingly.

He continued down your torso, pulling your shorts over your hips while you fumbled with his belt. Judd chuckled at your ill attempt and did it himself, snapping his belt off and almost letting it drop to the floor.

The light reflect off of his buckle caught his eye, though. He stared at it for a second before stepping off the side of the bed. His gaze shifted to you, admiring how your red panties looked against your olive skin.

_"I could use this belt on you, you know?.."_

Judd was waiting for some sort of horrified expression to fill your face. Even a hint of it. He was praying for a sign that you weren't someone he needed to be fucking with. But your face remained unchanged. If anything, he saw a twinkle of excitement in your eyes.

_"I could wrap it tight around your wrists.. fasten it to the headboard. And you wouldn't be able to stop me. You know that, right?"_

He expected you to rush for your clothes and run frightened out the door right then and there. Instead.. your hands slid gracefully above your head. Your fingers intertwined, waiting to be constricted by the leather belt.

A small, sadistic smirk spread across your face, _"Why would I stop you?"_

Blood rushed below Judd's waist. He dropped his jeans and pulled off his shirt, jumping back into bed with you and pressing his lips against yours hard. The two of you rolled around in his sheets, kissing and biting each other's skin hastily. You were both struggling for power over the other.

Underwear was shimmied off in the midst of your light wrestling. You succumbed to his strength when Judd pressed his cock between your thighs, a sharp inhale of breath being sucked down your throat.

Judd was fucking terrified. He felt like he was seventeen and about to take your virginity all over again.

_"This is what you want?"_

He'd said those same words to you before with the same degree of sincerity in his voice. And you responded just the same, by pulling his face down to yours and kissing him while he slid inside of you.

Judd worked himself into a rhythm, pushing his cock as deep as he could inside of you and pulling all the way out before doing it all over again. Over and over again.

_"More, Judd.. Harder.."_ You dug your nails into his shoulder blade and he moaned low in his ear, relishing in the delicious pain. Judd gripped your thigh and pulled your leg over his waist, pounding into you harder.

Your moans were louder than the music he'd put on. You couldn't help it, you'd been waiting for someone to fill you the way he could. Judd could've came just from listening to your sweet sounds, but he knew it was too dangerous.

He squeezed your ass in his hand while fucking you, whispering, _"Shhushhh, baby.."_ It was redundant. He told you to be quiet while pushing deeper, slamming harder, _"Someone's gonna hear you.."_

You bit down on your lip to quiet yourself. Now the only sounds you could hear was the bed lightly creaking, the soft music, the mixture of your labored breaths and.. something else. Something behind the door, coming from the hallway.

_"Do you hear that?"_

Judd didn't hear anything, he was too wrapped up in you to even recognize that a world outside of this room existed. He moaned a _"Nuhuh"_ under his breath.

You tried to ignore it, but you heard it again. A soft movement just outside, _"Judd, stop.. there's something.."_

He leaned up, gripping the top of the headboard. This gave him a whole different kind of leverage.. Judd's cock rubbed against your clit as he crashed into you, looking into your eyes from above.

_"You_ **_really_ ** _want me to stop?"_

You could feel him about to push you over the edge, the question itself was tantalizing. Fuck no you didn't want him to stop. You didn't want to be caught either, but the thought of him **stopping**..

Your toes started to curl and you were cumming, pulling his body back down to yourself while responding, _"No, no, Jesus Christ, no!"_

Judd could feel you milking his cock and he bit down on your shoulder, doing his best to hold it in until your wave had passed. He barely made it, the second your thighs loosened their grip around his waist he pulled out, covering your stomach and chest with his cum.

Judd watched your chest rise and fall, he counted every bead of sweat that clung to your skin. It felt like an eternity that he stayed there between your legs in the aftermath.

But he knew he had to move. You had to clean up and if the music wasn't turned off soon, _someone_ would come banging on his door complaining.

So he gave you one more kiss and cleaned you off with a towel, handing you your crew neck and pulling back on his boxers. You stood up and stretched your legs, they ached terribly, finding your panties in the process.

_"I'm gonna sneak into the bathroom and clean up."_

Judd nodded approvingly and you twisted his bedroom door, swinging it open quickly.

Your prior concerns, the ones where you just **knew** you heard something outside.. they were valid. Right on the other side of the door stood Andrew Glouberman, his ear pressed firmly against the wood. Your heart may have stopped but his mouth dropped wide open, he was about to let out a scream loud enough to wake everyone in the house.

You smacked your hand over his mouth quickly, grabbing him by the collar with the other and pulling him into the room. The door slammed behind him and Judd rushed over, a frantic look on his face, _"What the fu-"_

You interrupted him while pushing the pimply juvenile against the wall, kneeling down so you were at eye level with him, _"I'm gonna move my hand.. and I swear to God, Andrew, if you speak any louder than this music is playing I will_ ** _TWIST_** _your balls so tight that they fucking pop like water balloons."_

His poor eyes were filling to the brim with tears. You told him to nod if he understood and he did. You removed your hand and his lip was trembling.. if your friendship and secret weren't at stake, you might've felt sorry for the kid.

You spoke through gritted teeth, so close to his face that he could smell your peachy breath, _"What did you hear?!"_

He stuttered out a response, fumbling over every word he tried to produce, _"Nothing! I didn't- I was just- I wasn't even- I didn't hear anything, I SWEAR!"_

Judd groaned over Andrew's pathetic response, _"Jesus fuck, Ellie. Put on some pants, you're giving the kid a fucking stiffy."_

Andrew looked over at Judd, a sort of bravery shined through the tears. He pushed your arm away from his collar and stomped toward Judd, standing his ground and (almost) yelling, _"You! You were_ ** _hurting_** _her, I heard it!"_

Judd rolled his tongue over his teeth remembering the moans that had filled his room just a few moments prior, _"_ _Trust me_ _, she wasn't_ ** _hurt,_** _kid.."_ he grabbed his switchblade from the nightstand, _"But you're about to be-"_

_"Judd!"_

He re-sheathed his knife begrudgingly and instead pickup him up by the shirt. Judd thought Andrew was gonna piss himself right there on his bedroom floor, so he spoke quickly, _"You're gonna go back in Nick's room and not tell him a_ ** _damn_** _thing. Do you fucking understand that, cum stain? You didn't hear anything. You didn't see anything. Are we clear?"_

Andrew was too scared to respond, he just trembled in the air. That is, until Judd shook him and asked again, _"I said,_ ** _ARE WE CLEAR?!_** _"_

_"Yes! Yes, oh god!"_

He hit the floor and scurried out the door, effectively scarred for life. You shut the door behind him and leaned against it, terrified of what would come next.

Judd stood in front of you, pushing your hair behind your ear and tilting your chin up, _"Don't worry about him.. he's not gonna squeal."_

_"And what if he fucking_ **_does_ ** _??"_

He leaned down, kissing your cheek and cupping your face in his hand, _"You'll twist his balls so tight that they fucking pop like water balloons.. just like you promised."_

With that, you grabbed Judd by the face and attacked his lips with yours. He squeezed your hips, leading you back to the bed for round two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy update day! I really love this chapter. Things are gonna be good from here on out. No more slow building.   
> Talk to me in the comments. I love hearing from you all! 💙


	20. Monster Mash

****Trigger Warning - Recreational Drug Use****

A week went by with no sign of Andrew having squealed. It was like walking on glass around Leah. You were terrified that she'd find out. That she'd catch Judd sneaking out one night or drive by your house when his Jeep just happened to be parked in your driveway. Judd didn't seem to care. Maybe it was the _thrill_ of getting caught or maybe he just didn't see it as of big of a deal as you did, but you knew he was only sneaking around because you made him.

It was Halloween morning. Your dad had left the evening before, heading back toward the motherland for the holidays, leaving you with enough money to make it through the week _and_ supply the house with an ample amount of booze for the biggest party Bridgeton has ever seen.

You were woken up by your phone ringing loudly in your ear. A FaceTime call. You answered it and laid the phone down beside you, speaking loud enough so that he could hear you even though the camera was pointed toward the ceiling.

_"It's. Early."_ You said, not bothering to try and hide your annoyance.

_"It's. Noon. Fuckface."_

It was hard to deny that you loved the way he wouldn't bow to your sour attitude. You heard his voice again in the midst of stretching and rubbing the morning haze out of your eyes.

_"Speaking of, let me see your face."_

You pushed your hair out of your eyes and finally held the phone out in front of you. You could tell Judd was sitting in his window, still in his sweatpants, smoking what was probably his first cigarette of the day.

_"That's better. What are you doing today?"_ Judd asked, even though he already knew the answer. You'd told him a dozen times already that you were throwing a Halloween party, yet he still held out hope that you'd call the whole thing off and spend the evening in his lap.

_"You know what I'm doing. And you're still invited, by the way."_

His eyes rolled in his head as his hopes were crushed again, _"I don't need an invite. Why would I wanna come to lame high school party and hang out with a bunch of retarded seventeen year olds?"_

You knew the question was rhetorical, but you answered anyways, _"Because I'll be there_ _.._ _dressed as Lara Croft. Besides, you hang out with a bunch of lame seventeen year olds all the time. The only difference is the setting."_

Judd turned down your offer again, which was fine with you. You figured that he was going to find out one way or another that you were gonna do what you wanted, when you wanted. If he had a problem with that, he could see himself to the door just like every other guy that'd tried to tie you down.

But Judd didn't flinch at your need to be independent. He was annoyed at the thought of not seeing you for the weekend, but understood that you weren't his. You saw a smile creep across Judd's face and knew right away what he was about to ask of you, _"So it's gonna be, like.. a few days before I see you again then"_

You nodded your head a faked a suspicion, " _Mhmm."_

_"How about something to tide me over?"_

You slid your tank top up your torso, over your bellybutton seductively, _"Something like this?"_

Judd's breath became visibly labored even through the phone screen, _"Mhm.. keep going, baby."_

Your heart fluttered and light, playful butterflies filled your stomach when you heard his deep voice use that word - _baby_. If he would've just tacked that word at the end of his pleas for you to cancel your plans for the evening, you most definitely would've bowed to his order.

Your fingers continued over your ribs, guiding your shirt over your skin as Judd watched intensely. And just as you were about to push it over your chest, revealing to him your bare breasts - you heard the front door downstairs swing open. It slammed against the back wall that bared a permanent dent as a sign of years of abuse.

Judd heard it too, signified by his disappointed, sharp exhale. You hastily shoved your shirt back down over your stomach and shrugged, _"That's definitely Leah and Tules. Maybe next time."_

You could hear them running up the stairs, excited to get ready for the party and enjoy the night ahead. But Judd wasn't done with you. You hung up the call just as he got out the words, _"No, wait! Don't hang-"_

You sat up in bed just in time, your best friends were soon barreling through the bedroom door. They dropped their bags full of goodies on the floor and jumped simultaneously onto the bed, bouncing you around as they chanted, _"It's party time! It's party time!'_

You giggled along with them, pushing the blankets off of you and joining them in their jumps for joy before you all settled onto the mattress. Leah's voice was as warm as a summer morning when she spoke, _"So I know you said you're not into group costumes.. but I brought the Powerpuff Girls outfits just in case you changed your mind! Please tell me you did!"_

Leah sat there with crossed fingers while you didn't hesitate to turn her down, _"Uhh, hell no! I can't wear fucking thigh holsters dressed as Blossom."_

Tallulah nudged Leah on the shoulder, _"Told ya. Good thing I convinced you to bring your other costume."_

Leah was pouting, _"Fine, guess I'll just be Lola Bunny... What are you dressing as anyways, Tules?"_

_"I'm taking advantage of my purple aesthetic and going as Raven from Teen Titans."_

You nodded in approval and got up from the bed, retreating into the bathroom for a shower.

~

It took a looonnggg time, but you were finally ready. Your hair was tightly braided and resting over your shoulder. You wore an exceptionally short pair of tan shorts and low cut, grey tank top that stopped far above your naval. Thigh holsters on both leg that attached to the black utility belt hooked around your waist. Your pulled on your black boots and laced them up just as Leah finished with her costume as well.

She looked utterly adorable in her blue and white short shorts. Her blonde hair held a pair of floppy bunny ears and she'd managed to find the perfect Time Squad crop top and white sneakers. Tallulah had put a lot into her get up as well. She wore a pair of lavender-grey tights underneath her black body suit. Over her shoulders was a long, draping, royal purple cape. She'd dusted her face a light purple hue and finished it all off with a ruby red gemstone right in the middle of her forehead.

You looked up from your boots at the two of them in awe, _"I swear, I mean this in the most platonic way possible - I will sleep with either of you as long as you're dressed like that!"_

Tallulah smiled in appreciation, _"Thanks, but I'm going for Micah tonight."_ She could see Leah roll her eyes from her peripheral vision, _"What?? He's been passing me notes in math class! He's kinda cute."_

You let out a "blegh" of disgust, remembering all the disturbing and sexist shit you'd heard him say in the basement next door, but brushed it off. Tules always seemed to be into that type, and it wasn't your place to stop her from getting her rocks off.

~

It was getting close to party time. You and your girlfriends set up the drink station, hiding your own bottles in secret spots so no one could drink them. You laid out food and turned on music, putting a horror movie marathon on the TV in the spacious living room that would play all night long.

The first people to show up was your team. Then the drama kids. Next thing you knew, everyone in your graduating class was there. They filled your house and spilled out onto the front lawn. The stereo played a mix of halloween classics and the perfect dance music. You were four shots of vodka and three beers deep when you made your way through the living room feeling good. You weren't drunk-drunk, but you were something other than sober. Your skin was warm from the alcohol even though you'd spent an ample amount of time in the cold, outside air.

Now you were looking for your friends, feeling the urgent need to tell them just how loved they were. Instead you were met by a body stepping out in front of you when you tried to reach for the storm door. It was Devin - a face that was familiar to you. You'd hung out with him countless times in Val's basement and he was more of your enemy's friend now than your own. But he was harmless, so you thought.

He was singing along with the lyrics to ZIPPER by Brockhampton, _"Pretty sure, I'm maniacal but what do I know? I don't know, all I know is what I see through my monocle."_

Devin held up a small, glass vial filled to the brim with an enticing white powder. You recognized the substance, it was a friend to you. But still, you shook your head, turning down his offer.

_"Oh, come on, E! Just a little bump!"_

You bit your lip, unable to take your eyes off the vial. He shook it, tantalizing you with the drug.

_"I shouldn't, dude. I've got volleyball and-"_

Devin rolled his eyes, _"Drug tests are before the season starts, Elle. I play baseball, you think I don't know that?"_ He popped the cork lid, tapping a short but fat line out onto the back of his hand and easily sniffing it right up his nostril. The act itself made your heart race with excitement. _"_ ** _One_** _line. Come on, we never get to party together anymore."_

You sighed, giving into his peer pressure, _"How much?"_

A toothy grin filled his face, _"How aboutttt... you pay me with a dance?"_

The white powder that he held out in front of you was so, so tempting.. You nodded at Devin and he emptied the contents of the vial onto the sofa table behind you. The coke went up your nose and the wall you'd steadily been rebuilding inside of you went down.

The next thing you knew, you were surrounded by dozens of other people. Dancing and laughing and having a good time. Devin was in front of you and gently pawing at your waist. You thought nothing of it. The two of you were dancing, why _wouldn't_ he touch you in the process?

A poppy remix of _Somebody's Watching Me_ blared throughout the house and you felt Devin's gritty fingernails dig into your skin. Your bloodshot eyes opened, meeting his, realizing how close he was to you. You grabbed his hand, trying to pry it off of your waist, _"That's a little tight, Dev. Can you just-"_

He ignored your attempt at freedom, tightening his grip even further and moving his other hand to your cheek. You saw his sweaty, reddening face moving in, _"Fuck, you're hot.."_

His thumb brushed your cheek and when he spoke you were punched in the face by his breath, the syrupy scent of cheap whiskey. Finally, you mustered up the courage to jerk your body away from him. His nails breaking the skin in the process.

_"What the_ **_fuck_ ** _, Elle?! I thought we had a deal??"_

You stormed out of the crowd, pushing your way through a sea of people that you didn't recognize. You saw the outskirts just a few feet in front of you and when you broke through, you found yourself running into another curveball that you hadn't expected.

Judd grabbed you by the shoulders, steadying your feet that wanted so badly to burst into a sprint.

_"Whoa! Slow down, it's just me!"_

Your vision steadied and he came more clearly into view. You breathed a deep sigh of relief and felt comfort in his protective grasp. You pulled him by the hand into the back yard. There were people there too, but far fewer than where you were now. Besides, no one would remember much of anything the next morning anyways.

You lit up a cigarette and breathed it in deep, _"What are you doing here? I thought you were too cool for this shit?"_

_"I am. But there's pictures of this party floating around all over the fucking internet."_

You shrugged, _"So what?_ " There are always pictures of parties posted on Facebook, you didn't understand what the big deal was. That is, until Judd pulled out his phone and showed you a picture on Taylor Rist's account. A photo of mainly her, that showed you and Devin clearly in the back ground. The two of you were leaned over the sofa table snorting up a fat line of white powder like you were the best of friends.

You nodded and laughed, _"Ah. So you came here because you were jealous. Got it."_

Judd scoffed while plucking the cigarette from your hand abruptly, taking his own long drag, _"Don't flatter yourself. I came here in case the cops show. Mom and dad would kill you if Leah got arrested because of this stupid shit."_

His excuse was comical, _"Riiight. Keep telling yourself that, babe."_

You made a move to walk past him, trying to go back inside the house to grab a quick beer, but you were stopped when you felt him aggressively grab your forearm. Judd pulled you back in front of him. You could hear the utterly pissed off tone in his voice, _"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"_

Before you could respond to his possessive actions, both of your heads whipped around at the sound of slurred speech speaking to the two of you, _"Whoa-ho-ho.._ ** _WHAT_** _are you doing??"_  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major update day because I suck at posting new chapters here!  
> Remember that you can also follow this story on Wattpad for more regular updates.


	21. Oh Captain, My Captain!

Tallulah's hands met Judd's chest in what might've been a hard shove, had she not been so drunk. She'd come out of the house at just the perfect time to see him grabbing you by the arm, and with Micah in tow.

_"Great.."_ You thought to yourself. _"This is how it's all gonna go down. With Micah outing me to Tules' drunk ass just so he can brag to the Bilzerian's in their basement for a couple of good laughs."_

Micah grabbed Tallulah by the waist, wrangling her away from Judd before she took another shot at him, _"Whoa, babe, chill!"_

You snapped at her as well, the drugs were making you testy, _"Yeah,_ ** _"babe"_** _. Chill, he didn't do anything."_

But Tallulah was _so_ drunk. You hazily remembered her taking pre-party shots long before anyone even showed up and then a shot for every group of four or more that walked through the door. She tried to stumble forward again with an angry finger pointed toward Judd, held back only by Micah's loose grip, _"I sssaw you! You grabbed her, you were tr-trying to hurt her! Because you. are. mean. You're a mmean, meeeeannnn guy!"_

Judd noticed that his hand was still tightly wrapped around your arm. He dropped it quickly, firing back at her, _"I wasn't trying to hurt her you drunk bitch, I was stopping her from hurting_ ** _herself_** _! She's fucked up."_

Tallulah stared at you, waiting for you to tell her otherwise, _"You... promise?"_ Her lip quivered, in her drunken state of mind she was regretting her embarrassing actions already. You let out an amused giggle and pulled her to your chest to stop her from sobbing, _"Yeah, Tules. We're just smokin' a cig and catching up, I'm fine."_

She hugged you tight and mumbled that she was just looking out of you, that you'd been through so much and deserved to be happy and blah blah blah. You pulled her away, holding onto her shoulders and directing her toward the door, _"Go inside and get me and Judd a Natty Light, yeah?"_

She nodded and followed your directions. You watched Judd offering Micah a cigarette and a light, _"Fuck, how can you handle her, dude?"_

_"Ha! I've heard heard a blowjob from The Machine is worth it. We'll see."_

It was just like old times all over again. You rolled your eyes and relit your own cigarette that had gone out, _"Please tell me you didn't bring Val along with you.. Dev's already being a little fucking shit."_

_"And let him ruin my good time? Fuck no, he'd lose his shit if he saw you guys getting so cozy. And he's seen worse, by the way."_

You and Judd looked at each other, realizing you were more or less nestled up under his arm. The two of you started to take a subtle step away from each other but were stopped when Micah continued, _"Don't bother, guys. I already know. Val's being a fucking dick about the whole thing, Kurt and Devin egg him on but I'm kinda..."_

Micah was taking a step back from your old crew. He hadn't spent as much time with Val and Kurt since shit went down, but when he did it was lousy. He was sick of listening to Val seethe over his own stupid mistakes and hearing Kurt somehow twist it into your fault.

_"Listen, I'm not gonna rat you guys out to Tallulah or Leah. But for fuck's sake, cover your goddamn window, E! You two are pretty much putting on a fucking show for him every weekend."_

You glanced up and sure enough, your window stood wide open - across from it was Val's, also wide open. Your hand hit your forehead in disappointment, _"Ffffuckkkk! How did I forget about that?!"_

Tallulah stumbled back through the sliding doors with two light grey cans in her hand, handing them to you and Judd. Micah threw his arm around her, _"Come on babe, let's go dance."_ Tallulah shimmied her way into the house while Micah commented over his shoulder, _"Oh, and Val's fucking with that girl on your team. The starting freshman. Uh.. Alexa, I think that's her name."_

With that, he was gone. You weren't sure what it mattered, your girls could mess with whoever they wanted to.. until you remembered how poorly Alexa had been playing the past week or two. A fire rose in your chest at the thought of him stooping so low as to fuck up what could be your ride to the championship, _"I have to find Alexa_ ** _right_** _now!"_

_"No you fucking don't."_ Judd once again grabbed you by the arm. He corralled you off the porch and around the side of the house, the side that your enemy didn't have a direct view of. Here, there was no one that would accidentally stumble upon the two of you.

Judd cornered you against the house, his hand pinned to the brick beside your head. He didn't have to speak low thanks to the music, so his words came out just as demanding as he intended for them to be, _"What do you mean_ ** _"I'm jealous"_** _? Is that what you're trying to fucking do, make me jealous??"_

_"I'm not trying to do anything, Judd._ ** _You're_** _the one who went creeping around on pictures of my party."_ Your pointed finger connecting with his chest, _"If you didn't want me partying with other guys then maybe you should've just fucking came in the first place."_

_"And did_ ** _WHAT_** _, Ellie?!"_ He was yelling through gritted teeth, _"Stood in the fucking corner? Drank a few beers, danced with other chicks? I sure as shit couldn't actually hang out with_ ** _YOU_** _because you're too fucking concerned about what my sister would think!"_

An enlightening silence fell over you while you watched the anger drain out of Judd's face. Your hand slowly lowered from his chest back down to your side, _"... Is that really the only reason you didn't want to come?"_

_"I mean.. that's not the only reason. But mostly, yeah.."_ He took another long drag from his cigarette and gulped from the beer can, _"I wanna take you out. I fucking_ ** _loathe_** _that we have to sneak around. So whether I came or not, I was gonna be pissed. I just.. I guess that picture just got to me."_

You thought long and hard about what being "taken out" by Judd Birch would entail, dinner and a movie? That didn't seem like him. A sniper rifle? Maybe.

_"Where do you wanna take me?"_

_"What?"_ The question caught Judd off guard, _"Oh, uhh.. I haven't thought about it.. Maybe-"_ You caught his hand that was reaching up to nervously scratch his undercut, placing it around your waist.

_"You don't have to answer."_ You pulled his face to yours, kissing him hard. Judd ditched his beer, dropping the can into the grass while he wrapped you up in his arms. You slid your hands into his hair, leaning back against the house with his body pressed firmly against yours.

You bit his lip and heard him moan, _"Let's just sneak upstairs, baby.."_

You pulled away from him abruptly, _"Oh no, I don't think so!"_ You grabbed his hand and started pulling him toward the front of the house, _"You wanna be seen together so bad? Let's be seen together then!"_

The front yard held a completely separate party in and of it's own. There were a few tables set up with games of beer pong going, a keg stand contest, flip cup, etc. But it was the beer pong that you were here for. Everyone knew you were the champ, and the champ had to prove herself in her own house. Right? A few of your team mates were just finishing up a game, Olivia and Scarlett won and were jumping and drunkenly cheering when Scarlett called you over, _"Oh Captain, My Captain... We're ready to take your fucking crown!"_

You turned to Judd, _"Not to be dramatic, but my reputation is kinda on the line here. You up for it?"_

He chuckled and cracked his knuckles, _"Oh I'm up for it all right, let me show you how it's done."_

~

Judd was surprisingly good at beer pong. You let him get as comfortable with you as he wanted during the game, he'd put his hand softly on the small of your back while you lined up your shot. Once he even made the comment, _"Just focus. You got this, babe."_ It sent a tingle up your spine and made your cheeks feel warm, even though you noticed Olivia whisper behind her hand to Scarlett right after he said it.

In the end, your two teams were tied. Stakes were high and you knew that if he missed this last shot, it would take a **lot** for you to not be at least a little frustrated with him.

_"Fuck, this is too stressful!"_ You said as you grabbed a disposable shot glass from a girl's hand that was walking by, downing it before she could get angry and chasing it with a swig of beer.

Judd lined up his shot, focused real hard.. and then let it fly. It seemed to soar in slow motion, or maybe it was just because you were getting drunker by the minute. The ball scared along the rim of the solo cup and for a moment teetered right on the edge.

And then it fell in. A small gust of wind swooped by just in time to save the night and your title.

You threw your hands up at the same time that the other girls fell to their knees in dramatic defeat. Judd couldn't help but to smile over the small victory. Still, he was caught off guard when your arms flew around his neck, you pretty much jumped into his arms. Kissing him hard and deep right there in front of both friends and strangers. He was stunned, but only for a moment. The second he tasted the sweet watermelon vodka on your lips, he melted into you. Grabbing you by the hips and deepening the kiss by slipping his tongue between your loose lips. Judd's head was swimming, both because of the endless solo cups of beer he'd downed and because of your intoxicating taste.

Olivia looked up from her hands and saw the scene unfolding in front of her, _"Ohhh, so ya'll are like_ ** _that_** _, E?"_

You smiled against Judd's lips and just flipped her the bird, you'd make her hold planks on Monday because of the comment.

******* Judd's POV *******

After that kiss, she could've dragged me anywhere she wanted to and I would've willingly gone with her. I did, actually. She pulled me inside the house and we danced for a while. Well, _she_ danced. I mostly just got to feel her ass swaying against my crotch. Not that I'm complaining.

If it wasn't obvious enough, I'm not a big partier. Seclusion is kinda my thing. So when three a.m. rolled around, I was beat. But drowsiness isn't something a little lady in white can't solve.. right? I scored another little bit of coke off of Devin, just enough for the two of us, and we did lines off of her thigh while sitting on the couch.

Seeing her in _that_ state of mind.. it was all different. A ring of golden glitter surrounded her and not even a nuclear explosion could've stolen my attention. I was fucking in love. Maybe only for the night, maybe only because of the drugs. It didn't matter the circumstances, I was in love.

But coke is a quickly fleeting high and the night wasn't staying young. People started to stumble down the sidewalk, making their long treks home. Ubers and angry parents showed up to drive their drunken spawn home. The few people that were two fucked up to find the door, Ellie started showing to spare bedrooms and couches. Leah was one of those people, she lay against the commode in the downstairs bathroom. Her stomach now empty of all the liqueur she'd forced down though she was still completely gone.

I was watching her from the door, disappointed at how lame she looked, when I felt Ellie wrap her arm around my own, _"Can you carry her down the hall? She can sleep in my dad's bed for the night."_

_"I'm just gonna take her home and then come back."_ I felt my front pocket for my keys, it was the first time I was realizing that they weren't there, _"Wait, where are my-"_

_"I hid them. You snorted three lines of coke and drank more beer than I could keep track of, you're both staying here."_

She was right. My vision was playing tricks on me (she hadn't always seemed this.. angelic, had she?) and I would soon be coming down hard, _"That's fair. Where am I sleeping?"_

Ellie scoffed, _"With me, idiot. Tuck her in and then head up to my room before anyone sees you. I'm gonna finish showing everyone else where to go."_

She walked away while I continued to stare begrudgingly at Leah. She seemed to truly be out of it, so I picked her up off of the bathroom floor roughly. Slinging her over my shoulder and walking her down to her sleeping quarters for the night. I tossed her on the bed and situated her on her side, just in case she got sick again. A trashcan off the side so she couldn't make a mess.

Just as I was about to close the door behind me, I heard her slurred, sleepy voice from the dark depths of the room.

_"J... Judd?"_

I pushed the door back open, allowing a sliver of light to shine on her face, _"Go to sleep, Leah."_

_"You and Elle... Ellie... Eleanor. You guys were.. kis... kiss-"_

Apparently she wasn't as incoherent as I thought, _"We weren't doing anything. You're piss drunk. Go to sleep."_ And with that, I slammed the door behind me. Heart thumping hard in my chest and cursing myself for being so fucking selfish and jealous that I pretty much pressured Ellie into hanging out with me in public.

What if Leah remembered everything in the morning? What if she confronted Ellie about the whole thing and demanded that she chose between the two of us? What would I do then, if she chose my sister's friendship over me? At this point, I really think that I would crack and burst open, shatter into a million pieces and do something I'd regret.

And why _wouldn't_ she choose her best friend over me? Was I anything to her besides a fuck buddy? She was more than that to me..

But tonight it didn't matter. I snuck up the stairwell to her bedroom, shedding most of my clothes onto her floor. The lights in her room were off but I could still see just fine, thanks to the street lamps that shined through her open window.

Her _open_ window.

_"But for fuck's sake, cover your goddamn window, E! You two are pretty much putting on a fucking show for him every weekend."_

Micah's words replayed in my mind. The thought of Val watching me undress her, frothing at the mouth over what he was seeing.. it made me much happier than it should've. Giddy, in fact. I wonder..

I stepped into the stream of light. Yup, there he was. Sitting in his own window sill and smoking a cigarette, waiting to see who she would bring up - if anyone at all. He saw me too, it was undeniable. Our eyes met and I could feel the burning jealousy radiating off of him. The same sort of jealousy that I had only felt a hint of earlier.

Maybe it was my own subtle form of bragging.. but I smiled at him as I snapped the blinds shut.


	22. The F Train

I was woken up by Judd stirring behind me. We'd gone to bed much later than everyone else. Well, no one else really "went" to bed, they were either dragged there or passed out where they lay.

Regardless, I rode out the remainder of my high ontop of him. A reminder of our nightcap sat in a tied off condom on the floor beside the bed. I silently thanked whatever higher power that watched over us (disappointed, most definitely) that she'd reminded us to actually _use_ a condom and peaked over my shoulder. Judd had peeled his body away from mine and was now sitting up, leaned over his own lap, holding his forehead painfully.

_"Headache?"_

He nodded, it was all he could bare.

_"I think there's a small joint in my nightstand."_

He reached for it slowly, lighting it up and breathing in deep like it was the cure for all his ailments. His weed-free arm opened up, beckoning me toward him. I sunk under his grasp and laid back against his chest, Judd fed me the joint.

I stared up at the ceiling, trying to count all the little glow-in-the-dark stars I'd meticulously placed up there when I was a kid. Tried, but kept losing count. Every time I got to the number ten I was flushed with flashbacks from the early, early morning hours.

_I lifted my weightless body up and down on his lap. Weightless because Judd's one hand was gripping my waist, guiding me at the perfect pace. The other trailing up my body, surveying every dip and curve, sharply pinching my nipple before traveling over my collarbone to my throat. I prayed, said an actual prayer, that he would stop there and just.. squeeze._

Judd handed me the joint and got up, making his way to my bathroom and drinking water straight from the faucet. He was butt naked, so was I underneath the sheets.

_He rolled us over so he was on top, digging his nails into my ass cheek as he plowed me into the bed. One leg was pushed to my chest, hooked over his shoulder. The other holding onto his waist for dear life. The way he kissed me.. it was different than how he fucked. He kissed me like it was the last time we would ever see each other. Like he was being drafted into the Vietnam war and just knew there would be no homecoming celebration. But he fucked me like he hated me._

_"What time is it?"_ I could hear the straining raspiness in his dry throat. My phone was nowhere to be found, so I shrugged at him. It was probably early. Early enough for me to sneak Judd out without Leah or anyone else noticing he was even still there.

I flung my legs over the side of the bed, rubbing my face to shake the remaining sleepiness out of my eyes.

_His other held my face while he kissed me so lovingly. A slow make out while he hit my deepest depths, over and fucking over again. My legs started gently trembling. "That's right. Cum for me, baby." Hearing his deep, intoxicating voice_ **_tell_ ** _me to cum sent me over the edge. Judd pulled his face just far enough away to look me in the eyes while he held my face, "Fffuckkk, I love watching you cum, Ellie." His voice was so sweet, yet stern. Like I'd better not dare disobey him, why would I want to? He took such good care of me when I did what he said._   
_Judd didn't try to stop my moans like he did in his own bedroom. He let them flow freely from my mouth as my body tensed up around his cock. My orgasm came to its peak and I felt so.. emotional? I gripped his hair so hard I thought it would come out in chunks, but he loved it. "God, don't stop.. Please don't fucking stop. Please, don't leave me.."_

I snapped out of my flashback and felt so. fucking. stupid. Please don't leave me? Did I **really** fucking say that??

The worst part was that I couldn't for the life of me remember what he said back. I knew that he said SOMETHING, but what?? I looked at Judd from across the room, pondering how someone like him would reply.. He leaned against the door frame of my bathroom, water dripping from his chin onto his chest, _"I'm fucking starving. You wanna get something to eat?"_

I loosened my braid and shook out my hair, pulling on a pair of shorts and hoodie while Judd redressed in his clothes from the night before.

_"This place is probably a fucking wreck. I need to assess the damage and find a way to fix everything before my dad gets home in a few days.."_

~

A note hung behind a magnet on my refrigerator, _"Thanks for the bangin' party, E! And thanks for taking care of us all. We cleaned up a little bit for ya!"_

Signed in lovely cursive by Leah, a handful of her drama friends and a few of the girls from my team. Pretty much everyone that I'd allowed to crash at my place overnight. Cleaned up "a little bit" was an understatement. The house was fucking spotless. Sparkling, even. Any trash bags that they'd filled up were taken out to the curb to be picked up by the garbage man tomorrow morning.

I glanced at the clock on the stove and had to pick my jaw up off the floor, _"It's three o'clock?!"_

Judd's arm rested itself over my shoulders as he responded, _"Perfect time for a late lunch, don't you think?"_

I leaned into him, wrapping my arms around his waist and gazing up into his still not quite woken up eyes, _"Depends, will it satisfy your demands of "taking me out"?"_

He shrugged and kissed me on the temple, _"It's a start. What are you in the mood for?"_

I knew exactly what I could go for - some traditional Colombian cuisine. It was my go-to hangover food, but there was only one place to find it near here.

_"You wanna catch the F train to Little Colombia, get some Bandeja Paisa?"_

Judd looked at me with a blank stare, _"English, Elle, English."_

I laughed and bumped my head on my palm, _"Sorry, force of habit. Just get dressed, you're gonna love it."_

**_*****_ ** **End POVs*******

Judd changed into a clean hoodie of his that you'd been storing in your closet and you pulled on a pair of blue jeans and a loose sweater. He couldn't kick the feeling that he was... forgetting something. It was right on the edge of his memory bank, just far enough out that he knew it was there but couldn't see it.

The subway was packed full of people dressed in their Sunday Best, likely headed home from church or brunch. The two of you took the only two seats left. Judd's hand gripped your thigh protectively, drawing you closer to him and away from the strange man on your right.

When his hand hit your thigh, a tiny bit of that memory slipped back into view of his mind's eye.

_My eyes adjusted to the darkness well and above me was the most beautiful sight. Her shimmering, glistening body resting on top of mine, perched up on my lap while she lifted herself up and down. My nails scraped down her thighs, holding her in place just long enough for me to push away my need to cum. I couldn't let this be over yet.._

Judd shook the memory away like a war flashback before his cock could start stiffening in his jeans and before he knew it, you were grabbing his hand and pulling him through the double doors.

_"Where are we?"_ He took in his surroundings. A little sub-community nestled in Queens. The streets were bustling, they would be from now until after the first of the year.

_"I told you, Little Colombia! I go to Mass here.. well, used to."_ Truth be told, you hadn't stepped foot on this side of town since you turned sixteen. Once you started driving your dad felt no need to drag you around with him against your will and you weren't going to object to that. But you still knew these streets like the back of your hand.

_"Is it... safe?"_

You held back a laugh and started pulling him down the street, _"Safer than the fucking forest in the middle of the night."_

The restaurant wasn't a long walk away, Judd didn't let your hand fall from his own the entire journey. You passed an array of stores on the way, along with fruit and flower stands and even a little band playing on the sidewalk. Kids played soccer in the streets with no worries that an angry businessman from Boston might drive his car just a little too close for comfort.

It was a small shop made of brick and filled with windows to let the natural light in. The kind where you order at the counter and choose your table, they bring your meal to you and that's about the only level of "service" you really get.

You remembered the girl at the counter, you'd went to church with her years ago. She had caramel colored skin and dark, straightened hair. She had always been this pretty, that much you remembered.

_"Aiyyy, Eleanor, we haven't seen you in a while. How's your papá?"_

Her slight accent caught Judd's attention, it made the words roll off of her tongue like butter.

_"He's good, he's in Colombia for a few weeks. We just need a hangover pick-me-up."_

She scribbled on her order pad, _"One Bandeja Paisa then?"_

_"Sí, and two bowls of sancocho please."_

She continued writing for a moment, looking up at you simultaneously. Though she kept her head down as if to hide her moving mouth from any nosy lip readers, _"¿Quien es to amigo?"_ Her eyes moved to Judd. She looked him over not once, but twice, and you could feel your chest heating up with steady possessiveness, _"El es guapo."_

You cut your eyes her direction and responded quickly, almost cutting her off, _"El es mio."_

The smile faded off of her face as she watched your demeanor change so quickly, metaphorically tucking her tail between her legs in fear. You led Judd to a small table near a window.

He'd noticed the shift in atmosphere, just didn't understand what was being said, _"What was that about?"_

You shrugged it off, trying to make light of the situation, _"Nothing, she just asked who you were."_

_"And? What'd you say?"_

You smiled playfully, rolling your tongue over your pearly whites, _"I told her you were my gay friend."_

Judd scoffed at the remark, reaching his hand over the table. You allowed him to run his thumb over your exposed collarbone, wincing in pain at his touch. But you didn't know why. His hand slacked off at your reaction, _"You've got a few marks that prove otherwise."_

_"What?"_ You pulled a small mirror out of your bag, opening it up and taking a look at yourself for the first time that day. He was right, you were marked up real good. Crimson stains lined your collar and a distinct bite mark made its presence on your neck. You could count every molar, canine and incisor. They were painful to the touch, _"Fucking Christ.. I don't even remember you doing this.."_

_Her orgasm was milking my own to the surface. I was watching her come undone beneath me, seeing her beautiful face writhe in pure pleasure was an absolute fucking blessing. She pulled my body back to hers by my hair, I don't think she meant to tug as hard as she did.. but I was glad_ _that_ _she did. A radiating pain spread down my_ _neck_ _and over my shoulders, I was living. And when she spoke, "God, don't stop.. Please don't fucking stop. Please, don't leave me.." Jesus fucking Christ, it was like she'd given me everything I never even knew I needed. My teeth sunk into her collar as I began to cum. No part of my brain was functioning, I spoke freely and purely from my heart and cock, "I'm here, baby. Fuck, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere..."_

The memory hit Judd light a freight train. His fingers started to shake nimbly, like he was experiencing it all over again. His heart sped up, a thin veil of sweat covered his forehead. Ultimately, he felt disgusted with himself. Disgusted that he'd spent his entire life building up a wall so high, and all it took was a few nights in bed and a little bit of coke for you to tear them right down.

He cleared his throat in an attempt to gain some composure, _"Uh, yeah.. I don't - I don't really remember much from last night either.."_

Sara brought over the food and the two of you ate in silence. It was good, but you were both trying to put together the pieces inside your respective minds. How could you have forgotten **so** much?

You allowed Judd to grab your hand during the journey back to the train. Though you were confused, his touch brought a sense of calmness over your uneasy thoughts. But that sense of calm was abruptly interrupted by a deep, bellowing voice just before the two of you reached the subway. 


	23. Distance

You stormed through your front door, allowing it to slam against the wall with such a force that it echoed throughout the entire house. You were furious with yourself for being so foolish and reckless.

_"Godddd, that was a mistake. That was such a fucking mistake. How could I be so fucking STUPID?",_ You were speaking your thoughts out loud, almost having forgotten that Judd was still following behind you.

_"Dude, chill out. What's the big fucking deal?!"_

You were an idiot for thinking that no one on that side of town would recognize you. Or maybe you didn't truly think that, but you surely didn't believe that you'd run into you dad's best friend. His comment replayed itself in your head, _"Does tu papá know where you are, mija?"_

He said it in such a way that you just _knew_ he was chastising you. Shaming you before your father even had the chance.

_"The big deal is that I'm_ **_fucked_ ** _, Judd. Diego's probably already on the phone with my dad telling him all about how he saw me holding hands with some guy in town. God damn it, he's probably coming home early."_

You were in a frenzy, fully aware of the consequences you'd face if your dad really _did_ find out you were seemingly dating someone seriously. Poor Judd, he was so confused. He grabbed you by the shoulders, trying his best to calm you.

_"Ellie, you're eighteen. You're an adult and you've gone out with guys before. Calm down."_

You pushed your way out of his grasp in frustration, he just didn't understand. And you didn't have the patience to explain to him your father's ticks.

_"You just don't get it, Judd."_ You sighed between thoughts, _"And your fucking Jeep is outside.. there's no way Leah didn't notice that on her way out this morning. This is great, this is all just great."_

Judd's chest tightened with embarrassment. He started to take another step towards you but stopped himself, feeling his temper beginning to get the better of him. Instead he planted his feet where they were and spoke abruptly, _"Right.. This shit again."_

You didn't even hear his words, you were too busy thinking about how you were going to get out of this with both your dad and best friend. Your mind wandered back to that day, your first night with Judd, and the painful events leading up to it.

_"We don't have to be doing this, y'know? If you're embarrassed to be seen with me just fucking say so."_

You tried to shake the unsavory thoughts out of your head, only catching the tail end of what he'd spat out, _"What? No, that's not it. It's just.. it's just complicated."_

_"Sure doesn't fucking sound like it."_ His tone finally forced you to pay attention to him. Judd was seething at the thought of you making a fool of him - or better yet, him making a fool of himself. _"I pretty much had to beg you to be seen with me last night and now you're already regretting it today."_

The air around you felt so thick with negative energy. You could almost feel the tension in the room, much like you could when you knew your dad was teetering on the edge of an explosion. And like those familial arguments you'd lived through over and over again, your defensive personality forced you to poke the bear.

You inched toward Judd, shoulders back and head held high, _"If I didn't want to be seen with you, trust me, I wouldn't have been seen with you."_ His green irises were flaming, you could feel the heat radiating off of him. It only fueled the embers inside of you. You continued by striking low, _"You're just pissed that I won't drop everything at any given time and follow you around like a little_ _lapdog_ _!"_

You were mere inches from his chest and refused to advert from his fiery gaze, you thought for a moment he was going to shove you. That if he didn't, you would surely soon feel a slap across the face. That's how your dad always responded anyways.

Instead he spat back with venom, _"What I'm_ ** _pissed_** _about is that I've been wasting my fucking time falling for your dumb ass!"_

That should've been the end of it. The angel on Judd's shoulder was tugging at his t-shirt, trying its damnedest to pull him out the door. But the devil on the other side was whispering more ammo into his ear, now set on making _you_ look like the foolish one, _"And don't even try to pretend like you don't feel the same way, Ellie. You fucking_ ** _begged_** _me not to leave you last night. Did you ask that of Alec? Or Blair? Or even fucking_ ** _Val_** _?"_

Your heart dropped as your face filled with embarrassment. All you could do was back up, realizing that if this was a pissing contest, he was definitely going to win. Your shoulders sunk down in defeat and you spoke much softer now, _"You.. uh, you remember that?"_

You struggled to maintain eye contact with him but Judd's intense aura demanded it, _"Yeah, I fucking remember that. And I told you that I'd never fucking leave you, if that's what you wanted. But now it sounds like you don't really know what you want."_

That wasn't true. You knew what you wanted, but after years of being told that love was a sham... was it wrong to think that what you were feeling was stupid?

_"You're right. Maybe I don't know what I want."_

Judd backed up toward the door while gripping his car keys. His stern brow that had softened over time was back to being stiff and harsh, _"Well I'm not waiting around for you to figure it out. You can't jerk me around like every other guy you take to bed, Ellie."_

You knew there was no sense in going after him. He needed space and you needed time to figure out everything around you. Judd closed the door behind him and you heard his engine roar down the street, leaving you in an empty house that felt much too big for just yourself. You found yourself almost wishing Diego had spilled the beans to you dad, at least then he would come home and scold you - reinserting the idiocy of getting attached to _anyone_. Yeah, that would get your mind back on track.

Your feet felt like cinder blocks as you dragged them up the stairs to your bedroom. You took a long, hot shower, allowing the steam to fully cleanse your pores of all the drugs and alcohol from the night before.

When it was over you opened your window to let the brisk November air in, sat criss-cross on your bed and lit up a joint before opening up your laptop to FaceTime Tallulah.

It only took her a few rings to answer, she was laying under her blankets and looked like hell. Her voice told you that she hadn't gotten out of bed once all day, _"Whaddup bishhhh."_

You cracked a smile at her and took note of the heavy bags under her eyes, _"Still hungover? You look like shit, dude."_

She rubbed the sleepiness out of her face and threw the blankets over her head, _"I can't believe you let me get_ ** _so_** _drunk last night. I don't know how I'm gonna drag myself into calculus tomorrow morning.."_

_"Don't blame me! That was all Micah!"_

You watched Tules sit up in bed, _"Speaking of the devil.." S_ he panned her phone to the other side of the mattress. You could see Micah's head sticking out from under the covers, resting on her spare pillow, _"We didn't hook up or anything, I was way too fucked up. What'd you do all night? I don't remember seeing you, like, at all."_

You breathed a deep sigh of relief, thankful that she wouldn't remember stumbling upon you and Judd. Even better, now you could open up to her a little bit without the chance of her putting two and two together, _"Ugh.. I was hanging out with this guy all night. I let him stay the night, we hooked up, whatever-"_

_"Ooooh, who was it?? Is it someone in our class?"_

Your eyes rolled at her persistence, _"Stop being nosy, Tules. Anyways, we hit it off pretty good.. but I think I fucked_ _things_ _up today."_

Tallulah's a good friend. Really, she is. But she's blunt with no sense of how to be subtle. So it didn't come as a surprise to you when she responded with, _"I mean.. did you not_ ** _want_** _to fuck_ _things_ _up? You're kinda.."_

_"Emotionally distant? Yeah, you don't have to tell me. I already know."_ You fiddled with your fingers, wishing that your mom was around to give you some sort of guidance when it came to things like this, _"We've actually been hanging out for a few weeks. And no.. I don't think I wanted to fuck things up. But you know how it is."_

This was where Tallulah related to you where Leah couldn't. You didn't have a mom and she didn't have a dad. Or I guess you both had them, they just weren't there. But she'd never known her dad, so she didn't have a handful of good memories followed by the lingering feeling of being abandoned.

_"You mean the shit with your mom?"_

All you could do was nod your head and purse your lips.

_"Listen, dude. I don't know why your mom dipped, just like I don't know why my dad did. But what I_ **_do_ ** _know is that not everyone is like them._ _And y_ _our dad's opinions on relationships is a little.. skewed, if you ask me."_

You thought about what she said. All you'd ever heard was your dad's side of the story, you didn't actually know how things had panned out.

_"Yeah.. you're probably right. Not that it matters now anyways, I_ _already ruined it.. so, whatever_ _."_

From the bottom of the screen you could see Micah's lazy arm reaching out for Tules to lay back down. Her eyes wandered over to him and you knew that your conversation was coming to an end.

_"That's for the advice, Tules. I better see your ass_ _in_ _homeroom in the morning."_

~

Judd slammed the front door as he made his way up the stairs in his home. He meant to do the same to his bedroom door, but a sandaled shoe shimmied its way between the frame and the wood. Leah tapped the door open before Judd could even realize that she was standing there.

_"You're back awfully late. Where ya been all day, Juddy?"_

Judd's temples pounded with a migraine. He was still suffering from a hangover, most definitely. His voice came out strained, he felt like all of the energy he'd had was drained when he walked out of your door, _"Don't fuckin' worry about it, Leah."_

She crossed her arms, refusing to accept that as his final answer, and pressed further, _"Okay, well.. did you have fun last night?"_

The hair on Judd's neck stood on end, he tensed up and immediately went to the defense, _"What are you talking about?"_

_"I heard you were at the party. Did you just come to snoop or did you actually cut loose for once?'_

_"Oh, right."_ He shook his head clear, _"I just came to sell some weed to Micah. I had a few beers and left right after. You seemed pretty fucked up though."_

_"It's funny, actually.."_ Judd could see a cocky smile spread across her face, like she knew more than she was actually letting on, _"I kinda remember you carrying me to bed. And I'm pretty sure I saw your Jeep parked on the sidewalk when I left Ellie's house this morning."_

Judd's jaw stiffened in nervousness, _"Guess you didn't look hard enough, I left pretty early."_

_"No, I'm pretty sure that was your car. Scratch on the hood, stickers on the back window._ _I know what your Jeep looks like, Judd."_

Truth be told, Leah'd had her suspicions since the day you tried unsuccessfully to kill Kurt. Something just told her that you were in Judd's car when she called you that night, she just _knew_ it. But she kept those suspicions to herself. And now, faced with the facts, all she wanted was for her brother to tell the truth.

_"I don't know what you're talking about, Leah."_ Judd grabbed the door, ready to push her out of the frame in order to avoid the conversation all together, _"Now get the fuck out of my room before I_ ** _make_** _you get out."_

Leah's cocky smile turned down into a frown of disappointment, realizing that her brother wouldn't crack. She took a small step out of the frame, just big enough to not be smacked in the face when Judd slammed the door. Before he disappeared from her field of vision, Leah saw on his face something that she'd never seen in her big brother before. Something that was almost frightening to her.

Sadness. Not apathy or disdain or even disgust. True, real sadness.

And that sadness hit Judd hard as he made his way to his bed, finding your volleyball shorts on the floor beside it. He picked them up and thought to himself, _"At least this will give me a reason to see her again.."_


	24. Ticket Out

You spent the week pretty much alone - aside from when you were at school. Leah never brought up Judd, never even mentioned his Jeep that you knew she had to have seen outside of your house. You thought it was maybe for the better, it was easier to not think about him if he wasn't brought up.

Your dad didn't come home early, he didn't even so much as call you to humiliate you over the phone. You almost wished he _had_ changed his flight and taken the first plane home because for the first time in years you felt absolutely, disgustingly lonely.

Just a few weeks prior you'd found a sort of solace in being alone. It was nice having the house to yourself when you dad was away. And in the time sense Judd had started coming around you still enjoyed being alone, but also loved looking forward to those _"I'm here."_ texts every few days. 

But now it was Friday night. You were standing in the locker room before your game, digging through your locker and frantically searching for your volleyball shorts.

_"This what you're looking for?"_

The deep, husky voice caught you off guard. You slammed your locker shut to find Judd standing behind it, holding up your shorts on one finger and fighting back a smile. He felt like he was floating, seeing you again after almost a full week. Even if it was under menial circumstances.

You grabbed your shorts and clutched them tight to your chest, saying a silent prayer of thanks before smiling right at him, _"You steal these from me just so you could see me again?"_

Judd laughed, _"Come on, I'm not_ ** _that_** _smart. You left them at my place. A simple "thank you" will suffice."_

_"Thank you, Judd. Not only are you America's sweetheart, but you're also a fucking life savor."_

You knew you didn't have much time. Your team was already on the court and soon the buzzer would ring, signaling the beginning of the first set. So you pulled the shorts on and slipped into your knee pads and shoes, _"I don't have long. You staying for the game?"_

_"I mean,"_ Judd rubbed the back of his neck, _"I didn't really plan on it."_

You glanced up at him from your sneakers, _"Okay. Maybe I can make it up to you after, I can smoke you out or something."_

_"Or something?"_ Judd felt the caterpillars in his stomach that he'd long believed were dead hatching out of their cocoons, fluttering around in his guts now as butterflies, _"Yeah, I think I can manage that."_

He followed you down the corridor as you made your way toward the gymnasium. You pushed the door open, feeling it smack against something behind it.

_"Ow,_ **_fuck_ ** _!"_

You tried again, feeling it give this time. Behind it stood Alexa, pressed against her was Val. Their lips were red and raw, you couldn't stop the _"Uck.."_ from escaping your throat, followed by the rolling of your eyes. Judd followed you out, spitting the words, _"Move it, retarded faggot."_ as soon as he saw who it was blocking him.

Alexa passed by you, making her way to the bench and suddenly you remembered what Micah had told you last week, _"Oh, and Val's fucking with that girl on your team. The starting freshman. Uh.. Alexa, I think that's her name."_

You snapped toward him, reaching out and pushing him back against the cinder block walls. You knew it couldn't be a coincidence that she'd started out this season as a diamond in the rough and was steadily turning out to be a lump of fucking coal.

You grit your teeth and held onto the collar of his shirt, _"I'm coming for you. If Alexa so much as even_ ** _thinks_** _about missing a ball during this game, I'm coming for you, Val. Remember that."_

_"Oh, I remember."_ He smiled a grimy grin that made you sick to your stomach, _"I love hearing you say those words, try saying them a little sweeter next time and I might let you."_

_"The_ ** _fuck_** _did you just say you little scrunt?!"_ Judd pushed you out of the way so he could have his turn with Val. You saw his hands forming into fists at his side.

The buzzer rang and you had no choice but to leave Val in Judd's clutches. You jogged out onto the shiny gymnasium floor, taking your place at the back of the court.

~

When it came down to it, your teams were tied. You were drenched in sweat and your body hurt. You pulled the bottom of your shirt up to wipe the stinging salt from your eyes and from side court Judd could already see bruises forming on your hips. He'd grown accustomed to seeing them, but they still made him wince.

You whistled through your fingers at the referee, holding up your hands in the "T" position once you had his attention. He signaled for a thirty second timeout, but you didn't even need that long.

Your legs heavily carried you across the gym to the net where Alexa stood. Maybe it was unconventional, your way of coaching, but you grabbed the girl by the face. Squeezing her cheeks so tight that she couldn't have objected even if she had the balls to.

_"WHAT. ARE. YOU. DOING?! I need you to get your shit together_ **_right_ ** _fucking now!"_

She swatted your hand away, _"It's just a game, Ellie! What's your deal?!"_

It took everything in you not to grab her by the shoulders and just shake the life out of her, _"To_ ** _YOU_** _it's just a game!"_ You did grab her shoulders, but instead of shaking her you turned her toward the stands. Pointing out a row of well dressed men in the front row, they didn't look like they belonged there at all, _"You see those guys? They're college recruiters, Lexi. Maybe to YOU this is just a game. But to me, and to Josie and Taylor and half of your fucking team, it's our god damn ticket out of this shit hole. Does that make sense to you now??"_

The whistle blew, the girls that surrounded you started to make their way back to their positions. 

_"I got ya, Cap."_

Just another few seconds, all you needed was one more point. You said a Hail Mary and stalked the back row.

Serve. Set. Spike. It was such a poorly performed spike.. you knew Alexa could handle it. A fucking toddler could've handled it. Still, it sailed right past her. And you were on the other end of the line when it made a dive for the floor.

You ran as fast as your legs would carry you, bracing your body for another harsh blow against the ground. You dove barely in time to stop the other team from scoring their point. And just after you felt the ball bounce off of your fist, you felt your elbow crack against the wood.

You weren't the only one who experienced it, everyone did. The pop of your bone echoed throughout the room, followed by your bellowing scream as a sharp, acute pain shot from your elbow up and down either direction of your arm. So intense that it made your knees retract up toward your chest, you felt nauseous.

In an instant you were being surrounded by your teammates and the referee. The ref lowered himself down to you, your eyes stung with tears as his fingers grazed your instantly inflamed skin. You jerked your arm away from him and howled in pain again.

_"Someone call an ambulance! She needs this checked out ASAP!"_

A few of the girls were forcefully pushed out of the way as the heard another voice emerge from the back of the crowd, _"_ _Fuck the ambulance._ _"_

_"Come on, babe."_ Judd kneeled down, pulling your good arm over his shoulder and lifting you to your feet, _"I'll get her there faster anyways."_

Tears poured down your face as you were reduced to a blubbering mess, _"It's over! It's all over and I'm FUCKED! My elbow is fucking broken and I'm FUCKED!"_

You kicked the door open in a fit of rage and was met with a wave of cold air that froze your tears to your face, preventing any further from slipping out of your tear ducts.

_"Your elbow isn't broken, idiot!"_ Judd dragged you to his Jeep, pushing you into the passenger side seat and strapping you in, _"Now shut up and calm down! You show up acting like that and they're gonna tell you to get lost, then you really will be fucked!"_

Judd's foot hit the gas peddle before he even shifted out of park, causing his truck to jolt forward when he moved to drive. You could feel every bit of his speed in your arm, you swore he had to have been going at least a hundred miles an hour. Every bump and dip in the road, it caused your joint to rattle underneath the skin.

You skidded to an abrupt stop underneath a cobblestone awning, a familiar nurse waiting for you outside of the automatic doors. It was Tallulah's mom, she was working the graveyard shift and had gotten a call from her daughter to be keeping an eye out for you.

Ms. Levine pulled open the creaky door before Judd even had the chance to shift into park. She took one look at your elbow before muttering under her breath, _"Oh gosh, let's get you in a room, honey."_

Judd helped her guide you through the waiting room, noticing that your tears had started back up. Nothing, not even a single moan, had resumed past your lips though. He tried to look you in the eyes, but you looked so empty.. like every emotion besides disparity had been sucked right out of your core.

Ms. Levine spoke again as she held her hand against Judd's chest, stopping him from making it past the restricted area, _"You're gonna have to wait in here until we can set her elbow. Trust me, you don't want to watch, sweetie."_

_"Fuck that."_ Judd's grip tightened around your waist at the mere thought of you being ripped out of his grasp, _"I'm not leaving my girlfriend alone after she just had her elbow ripped out of its socket."_

In an instant a shadow darkened to spot where Judd stood. The security guard's ears had perked up at the threat of a "hostile family member". He stood up, ready to throw Judd out if need be. Ms. Levine's eyes glanced at the towering, burly man and back to Judd's before reiterating, not to sweetly this time, _"I'll come get you the second I can. But for now you're gonna have to wait here."_

He let his grip fall from the silky shirt clinging to your skin. Watching you sulk down the hall, past the swinging doors that he wasn't yet allowed behind. And as the uncomfortable seats right across from those doors greeted his defeated ego, it dawned on him how fragile you'd become. So quickly, too.

He made note of every time that had happened in the past, events he'd never even noticed before. When he found you standing in the freezing rain outside of his house, when you were ready to take both of the Bilzerian brothers on one-on-one, when Val tried to insult you just a few hours ago. He couldn't remember a single other person he was willing to swoop right in and defend without a second thought, not even his own sister.

Those thoughts and realizations floated in and out of his head for over half an hour before Ms. Levine bumped the waiting room door open with her hip, snapping off her gloves and motioning for Judd to follow her.

_"Now, we gave her some pretty strong pain medicine. She'll go home with a prescription for some to pick up at the pharmacy, too."_

Three right turns and the fourth door on the left, the nurse was about to push open the door when Judd asked, _"Is she awake??"_

A humored laugh escaped as she responded, _"Oh she's awake alright."_

A second nurse was pulling the Velcro straps to your complimentary elbow brace tight, you were erupting with unnecessary laughter as her long fingernails tickled your skin. You were high, there's no other way to put it. Comfortable and giddy and completely unaware of how much pain lay under the surface of your sensitive skin.

_"Judd! Look at this fucking thing! You know how long they told me I have to wear this?? SIX MONTHS!"_ You blew air out through your lips like a child, _"Pffft! Yeah right, that's not happening."_

Ms. Levine went to the other side of you, unhooking your IV and blood pressure cuff, leaving you free of wires, _"We told you six WEEKS, Eleanor. Six weeks, four if you take the bench for a few games."_

The second nurse left the room while Tallulah's mom stood in the door frame, _"I'm gonna gather your discharge papers, you two sit tight for just a few more minutes."_

Judd stood beside the hospital bed taking a long look at the pitch black brace, his fingers brushed against it, _"You took a hard fall back there, Elle."_

_"Pshh."_ You were all smiles, completely unaware of how much pain you were in or how little control you had over the words that would soon come out of your mouth, _"Didn't even feel it. I was just being dramatic to get your attention."_

Judd couldn't help but to smile back, _"That's a lie. Besides, all you had to do was ask, I would've given it to you."_

His fingers trailed down your forearm, tracing every single one of your fingers before interlocking them with his own. He'd taken a fondness in just touching your hands, playing with them, he liked how much smaller and agile they were than his rough and calloused ones.

_"I missed you this week, you know."_

Judd's eyes moved from your intertwined hands to your face and he could tell you were being sincere. You continued, _"I missed how you steal my side of the bed and how your feet almost hang off the end."_

A week didn't seem like such a long time until you started noticing the little things. Like the way Judd always woke up at the same time in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, right around four a.m. He'd crawl back into bed from the bottom of the mattress and pull himself real close to you from behind. Or the way he started following the same true crime shows and podcasts that you did, but he'd always wait to watch the newest episodes so he could see them with you for the first time.

_"I thought you didn't know what you wanted?"_

It was true, you _didn't_ know what you wanted. And that fact alone scared the absolute hell out of you. You'd always been so sure of yourself about everything, you never had to have a second thought in your whole entire life. But now here you were, questioning whether or not it was worth it to take a chance on Judd. That alone _meant something._

_"I don't."_ You lifted your body from the hospital bed, standing nearly chest to chest with him and looking up into his eyes, _"But I know that I like when you call me "baby". And I wasn't repulsed when you called me your girlfriend back in the waiting room."_

Judd's mouth opened as if he was going to defend his slip of the tongue moment, but you interrupted, _"Let me finish - if I don't get this out before the drugs wear off, it's not coming out at all. I'm not saying that I'm ready to be your girlfriend, or that I'm ready to let Leah in on what's been going on. But I'm_ ** _not_** _ashamed of you, Judd, like you said last weekend at my house. I just have fucking issues. Abandonment issues and commitment issues and trust issues and every other type of issue you can think of, but you have them too. And I'm willing to work on mine if you can just help me out along the way."_

His hand moved from your side up to your face, cupping your cheek, _"Just tell me what you need from me, baby."_

Your heart dropped a steady decline into the pit of your groin and you were so unbelievably thankful that you were no longer attached to the heart rate meter beside you, _"Patience. That's all, just patience."_

Judd smiled as he lowered his face down to yours, _"I think I can handle that."_

He kissed you. For the first time in almost a week, he kissed you. His lips tasted like cigarettes with a subtle hint of Jack Daniels and that had become your favorite flavor on the planet.


	25. Hurt Me

**Just a smutty chapter because I feel like it.**

You were sitting up on Judd's lap, hitting a bowl while he laid back on a pile of pillows on his bed. He watched you intently, counting how long your chest remained expanded as you held in the smoke. Gauging how high you needed to get before the intense pain in your arm would eventually subside.

Four days. Four days had passed and while the swelling had gone down quite a bit, your arm still hurt so bad you almost wished they would've just taken it right off.

_"You taking the pain killers they gave you?"_

You shook your head from side to side and exhaled slowly, praying that the weed would take the pain away. Judd's bedroom was dimly lit and you could see the haze floating around in the air when it hit a patch of light.

_"Why not?"_ Judd asked, taking his own hit. Sucking the smoke down deep into his damaged lungs.

You'd started to prefer Judd's room to your own. Even though it was more dangerous, with the risk of getting caught sneaking in and all, it felt more homey. It was smaller and more intimate and you liked being surrounded by his musky, cedarwood guy scent.

_"I don't like them, don't like how they make me feel."_ You weren't a stranger to painkillers, you'd been prescribed them before - for oral surgery. They did their job, sort of. Sure, they took away the pain. But they took away _all_ pain, and along with it went any form of pleasure as well. So you'd rather just self medicate and deal with it for a little while.

Judd passed the bowl back to you and you passed it back to him, back and forth four or five times until you got a tongue full of ash and called it quits.

He ran his hands gently over your thighs. You'd started storing a pair of shorts in the back of his drawer and changed into them after stealthily sneaking in just an hour or so ago, stripping out of your thick crewneck. Leaving you in only your shorts and a sports bra.

The bruises left on your hips from the weekend before had already began to change color. Starting off a dark, nasty shade of blackish blue, fading to a galaxy rich purple, and were now an ugly green-yellow.

Judd's fingers grazed them, terrified of putting any real pressure on them in fear of injuring you further. He couldn't get the image of you doubled over in pain on the gymnasium floor out of his mind. In that moment, the bullet proof image that you'd made for yourself went out the window and now he saw you as someone so fragile, something to be protected at all cost.

You watched his eyes scanning your skin, he was looking for more injuries. Maybe one that he'd missed somehow.

_"I'm not made of glass, Judd."_ His bloodshot eyes snapped up to yours, he could see that all the pain had melted away. You were high now, comfortable and free of ailments, _"You can touch me, I'll be okay."_

_"I'm just.. scared. I don't want to hurt you."_ A soft tint of pink filled his cheeks. It was a ridiculous fear, he knew that. But he couldn't stop himself from feeling it, _"Can't you just take the damn pills? Maybe then I won't feel like this."_

_"Hmm... no."_

Judd huffed as you smiled down at him, finding amusement in his frustration. He'd never dealt with someone equally as stubborn as himself and it was proving to be difficult.

But you already planned on making it up to him. You leaned back slightly, tracing your fingernails down his bare chest and over his stomach. He sucked in air sharply through his teeth, something you'd expected. You knew that if he got too high, he popped a boner over the tiniest things. Things like your new position on his lap, which caused the thin strip of soffe shorts between your thighs to press firmly against his cock through his sweatpants.

_"You wanna know why I really hate taking them?"_ You said while slowly rolling your hips against his lap. The hand that you still had rested on his chest felt a low growl rumble out of his lungs, his cock stiffening quickly.

_"I think you just like fucking testing me."_ Judd's grip on your hips tightened, holding you steady against him.

You scoffed, _"Nope - though I'd_ _kill for a solid hate fucking from Judd Birch."_

His head rolled back against the pillows as you pressed yourself harder against him. He wasn't truly listening to what you were even saying, just taking in the feeling and responding, _"Why then, baby.."_

Your nails scraped down his chest, over his stomach and through the hair trailing down from his bellybutton, stopping at the hem of his sweatpants. You dipped your fingers just underneath them, barely an inch, weaving through his coarse pubes.

_"I can't cum when I take them."_

His eyes rolled back to the front of his head, looking up at you with one cocked eye brow, calling your bluff, _"You're full of shit."_

_"It's true!"_ Your lips separated into a beautiful, toothy grin and Judd thought he was going to bust his load right there. He loved when you smiled like that, so genuinely, _"I was taking Percs one time and this girl ate me out for like a fucking_ ** _hour_** _before I finally told her to just give it up."_

Judd's cock twitched beneath his pants at the thought of watching you with another broad. You felt every bit of it, holding back laughter over his sexual frustration.

Instead you rolled your hips again over his swollen member, teasing him, _"You like when I tell you shit like that? Fuck, I bet you're into some disgusting, demeaning-"_

He didn't give you the chance to finish. The primal instincts he'd been suppressing over the past few weeks bubbled up to the surface and he grabbed you by the neck, pulling you down so you were chest to chest with him.

Judd spoke in a hushed, deep voice, warning you, _"Don't make me show you, Ellie. Don't."_

His fingers burned the skin on your neck, you could feel the restraint he was barely hanging on to. And you wondered if this is how all of your partners had felt.. you'd warned them, just like he was warning you. Maybe not of the same thing but what difference did it make at the end? They'd jumped head first into a pool that they knew would drag them under, you'd _longed_ to drag them under.

And now here you were - chest to bare chest with your match. Judd had been holding back every urge to be _too_ rough with you out of fear that it would get out of hand. He didn't think he'd be able to control himself had he really let his instincts take over. But the thought of that, of Judd taking things "up a notch", made you feel like a little kid on Christmas morning. Like you just walked into the living room and you were surrounded by goodies left by some other worldly creature, all of them just for you.

Judd spoke again, _"What do you want from me?"_ He needed clarification that this was truly what you wanted.

_"I want you to hurt me, baby."_

His lips curled up into a devious smile as he lowered his inhibitions. He hastily growled, _"Get up here."_

And you didn't need any further clarification. The two of you moved in time together, Judd sliding down on his mattress and you scooting up, turning around and taking your place on your rightful throne. His face.

Judd ran his fingers under your shorts, squeezing and pawing at your ass before pulling them to the side and diving in. Your body shuddered when you felt his teeth sink into your inner thigh. A split second of pain before there was a second nibble, and then a third.

He paused, running his free hand up your spine and shoving you down against his torso. It was clear what he wanted. You reached into his sweatpants and pulled out his swollen cock, it was nearly throbbing in your palm. His hot breath exhaled against your core as he felt you squeezing him.

Judd licked up your slit, sinking his tongue between your lips and feasting on you. He moved up to your clit, lapping and biting and sucking on you like his life depended on it.

You slid him into your mouth to muffle your own moans, licking his shaft and sucking his head.

Judd's hand continued up your spine, running his fingers through your hair. You relished in the feeling of him caressing you, seemingly praising you. It only lasted for a moment before you felt him guiding your mouth down further against his lap.

You did your best to take him all, rapping on his leg to signal that it was too much - _he_ was too much.

_"You can take it."_ He spoke from beneath you, never letting up, _"All the way down, babe. Get the first one out easy."_

You closed your eyes and breathed in deep through your nose, taking him all the way to the hilt. Judd could feel your throat massaging his cock and your drool spilling over his balls. He dug his nails into your ass, pulling you down harder on top of him.

He started to pant beneath you and gently thrusted up into your mouth, Judd could feel the first intense wave washing over him. Soon his warm, salty cum began spilling down your throat and he moaned between your thighs.

You thought he'd take a moment to recuperate - gather his senses and catch his breath. But you were wrong. Judd didn't miss a beat and as you pulled your mouth off of him, taking in a huge breath of air, he slid back into the sitting position behind you.

_"Remember when I told you I could use my belt on you?"_ He said as you felt him sliding your shorts and panties over your ass and down your thighs, guiding them under your bent knees as you held your place backward on his lap, _"That I could wrap it around your wrists and there isn't a thing you could do to stop me."_

_"Mhm,"_ You responded meekly as he guiding your arms over your head, pulling your bra off as well, _"I said I wouldn't stop you, and I won't."_

His lips met your bare back, alternating between biting your flesh and kissing the wound. More than anything Judd wanted the same as you, but more. To hurt you, just like you'd asked, and then care for you afterwards. And he knew you'd let him.

_"Grab it then. At the end of the bed."_

You blindly searched for it on the floor while Judd kicked off his sweatpants and boxers, handing it to him over your shoulder.

_"Face down, arms back."_

It was easy, following his orders. It came naturally for the both of you. You drew your knees together, chest against the mattress while crossing your arms over each other. He looped the belt around them, tightening it leaving some slack at the end for him to use as needed.

The bed dipped behind you, Judd was sitting up on his knees admiring the view in his dimly lit, hazy bedroom. He pressed the head of his cock firmly between your lips, running it up and down and against your sensitive clit.

Your legs spread in hopes that he would slide inside. Instead he pulled away and reared back, his hand coming down firmly against your cheek.

It caught you off guard, you winced in pain. It wasn't as hard as he couldn't smacked you, but it was hard enough to leave a reddening palm print prominently across your skin.

_"I didn't_ ** _tell_** _you to spread your legs. Close them."_ His voice was no longer sweet and instructional. It almost seemed as if he'd internally darkened a shade, if one could even imagine Judd Birch being any more dark. His voice now deep and demanding.

You shut your thighs and felt his fingertips tracing the wound on your cheek. He slid his cock back against your core, teasing you again for a few moments before it was almost too much for even him to handle.

His head lined up with your center and you felt his hand gripping your waist, the other pressed against your spine to keep you in position.

He asked from behind you, already knowing the answer, _"Are you gonna be good for me, baby?"_

You turned your head to the side, looking up at him from below and nodding your head. Judd could see in your eyes that you meant it, you meant it with everything in you.

_"I know you will be."_

He pushed his cock between your lips, far into your inner most depths. It felt like the wind had been instantly knocked out of you, you struggled to maintain this position while he pulled back and thrusted back in again. His lap smacking against your back side.

Judd grabbed the restraint on your wrists, holding you in place while he thrust in and out. It was all so much.

Words escaped your lips without you knowing where they came from, or how you formed them between moans, _"Smack me. Jesus Christ, smack me again, Judd."_

You looked up to see Judd smiling, a quiet chuckle followed by his response, _"You liked that? I will,"_ He stopped while balls deep inside of you, _"But you have to quiet down, baby."_

It was a struggle, holding back your sounds when everything felt _so. fucking. intense._ But you managed by biting down on your lip, only letting soft grunts and labored breaths through.

Judd's palm came down again in the same sensitive spot that it had before. His thrusts resumed, and his palm came down again. And again. Until Judd could feel himself losing control, getting carried away.

He pulled back on the belt, lifting you up on your knees and back against him. His teeth sank into your shoulder as he pounded into you, his hand coming up over your chest and resting gently on your throat.

His whisper in your ear caused every hair on your body to stand on end, _"More?"_

You nodded your head enthusiastically, _"Please.. fucking yes, please."_

Judd's fingers tightened around your throat, softly at first and then firmer. You could feel the veins on his arms pressed against your chest and the fingers of his other hand digging into your waist. The bruises that had faded over the past few days you knew would be replaced in the morning.

_"Fucking hell, you're so good,"_ Judd said through gritted teeth, _"You feel so. fucking. good."_

He could feel your thighs shivering against his own, he knew you were close. And he could feel his second orgasm building up as well.

_"You wanna cum?"_

You nodded and he pushed your chest back down against the bed, using his knees to spread your legs. Opening you up for him and letting his cock dip even deeper inside of you.

Judd watched your fingers gripping at the air, holding back the inevitable. It only took one word to send you over the edge, _"Cum."_

Your orgasm crashed over your entire body like a tsunami. You buried your face in the sheets to stiffen your moans, Judd didn't let up. His head rolled back on his shoulders as your pussy milked him for all he was worth.

_"That's right. Cum for me baby, cum on my cock."_ You were so intertwined in your own intense pleasure that you couldn't hear the strain in his voice.

Judd couldn't let up, he didn't want this to stop. He rode you through your orgasm and before he could stop himself, he felt his own cum spilling inside of you.

He let it happen, didn't even try to pull out. He pushed himself as deep as he could and painted your insides, pulling out and then pushing back in every now and then.

Judd came back to his senses and he refused to feel bad about what he'd done. Any guy would've done the same, it felt too fucking good not to. His vision cleared and he glanced down at you. Running his hand lovingly over your damp, shimmery back. Feeling your lungs taking in as much air as they could.

You leaned up on your elbows, pushing the hair out of your face, _"Did you-"_

_"Yeah. Yeah, I did."_ He unwrapped your wrists that were now red and irritated. Their pink shade was much softer than your raw ass cheek.

_"I'll take care of it tomorrow."_ You didn't have the energy to be upset at him.

Judd lay back against the headboard, pulling you to his chest and reaching for a cigarette from his nightstand. He lit it and passed it to you. You sucked the smoke down deep while Judd ran his fingers lovingly up and down your back.

_"Can I stay here tonight?"_

He kissed your head, smiling against your salty skin, _"I didn't plan on letting you leave."_


	26. Truth or Dare

In just one weeks time your Dad would be back in the country, back to either staring over your shoulder whenever your phone went off around him or pretending like he wasn't even a father at all - there was no in between.

But until then, it was just you. And you were holding your third annual volleyball team sleep over. A sleepover at your house on the weekend before Thanksgiving, that Leah and Tallulah always managed to shimmy their way into.

10:30 rolled around and your room was filled with just shy of a dozen girls. Some of them freshman, it was their first time there, but they were quickly opening up. You re-entered the room from grabbing your cigarettes from your car, stepping over your team mates that sat on the floor, gossiping and showing each other Tinder profiles and listening to King Princess play over the stereo.

You took a stoge from the pack and dropped it in Tules' lap, sitting opposite her in your windowsill and lighting it up. She did the same, blowing the smoke into the outside air and motioning toward Alexa, who sat across the room beside Olivia, _"You bench her for the rest of the season?"_

You nodded, _"Yep. Or at least until she gets her shit together."_

_"What about you? You down and out for this year?"_

You'd never even considered that to be an option. How could you? With recruiters at every game and your first semester of senior year quickly coming to an end, _"Fuck no. I switched with Scarlett, she's in my old position and I'm Setter now. It's more pressure but at least I'm not throwing myself against the ground every Friday night anymore."_

Tallulah and Leah were well aware of how willing you were to let this sport abuse you. It was always a relief to them when the season ended and you weren't covered in bruises anymore, or at least for a few solid months.

_"How's Judd feel about you still playing? Against Doctor's orders, of course."_

You choked on your cigarette smoke, surprised and coughing out the window, _"What??"_

Tallulah giggled at your response while taking another long drag, _"Chill out sis, I haven't said anything to Leah."_

Now in the hot seat it was a struggle to not stutter over your words, _"I don't, uhh - I don't know what you're talking about, Tules.."_

She rolled her eyes, _"Drop the act, Elle. It's_ ** _so_** _obvious. Judd has never, not once, been to a volleyball game. He's been graduated for almost two years for fucks sake. But he was magically one of the first ones on the court when you got hurt? And since when is Judd more than willing to help_ ** _anyone_** _?"_

You remained quiet, racking your brain for a way out. She continued, _"Plus my mom came home the next day asking who your new boyfriend was, it was easy to narrow down which green eyed, black and blue haired guy she was talking about."_

_"Shut up, dude!"_ You shushed your best friend and eyed the room, making sure Leah wasn't listening, _"He's not my boyfriend, we're just sorta.."_

Your voice trailed off. Was he your boyfriend? I mean, he wasn't just a casual hookup, that was for sure. You weren't seeing anyone else and you didn't think he was either. You'd told him you didn't mind when he called you his girlfriend, but he never explicitly asked you to be.

_"Taking it slow?"_ Tallulah broke your rapid thoughts, _"Because that's bullshit. Leah's been bitching about Judd sneaking some chick in and going at it - loudly, might I add - for weeks now."_

Crimson flush filled your cheeks as you hid your face in your hands, absolutely mortified. You groaned, _"Oh god, she can_ ** _hear_** _us??"_

She nodded, grinning with amusement, _"Mhm, so how long's this been going on for?"_

Before you could answer you heard Alexa's whiny, shrill voice from her spot on your bedroom floor, _"Captainnnn, you know what this party needs? Boys!"_

Annoyance filled you, still frustrated with how immature she'd become since entering her first relationship. You hostilely responded, _"I_ ** _know_** _you're not trying to bring Val over to my house right now, Lexi."_

Josie interjected, _"She's right, E. Come on, we can start a bonfire in the backyard, have a few beers."_

The rest of the girls agreed and your room filled with their voices saying _"Yeah!"_ , _"Come on, Cap!"_ , and _"Pleeeease??"_

You rolled your eyes and sighed while throwing your cigarette butt out the window, _"Ugh, fine. But your guys_ ** _only_** _, no extras! I'm house partied out until the new year."_

They pulled out their phones, fingers typing away. You stood in front of Alexa, towering over her. She looked up at you, feeling every bit as small as she really was, _"Make sure he knows that if Kurt shows up, they're both getting fucking shanked."_

With that, you and half of the girls made your way outside to start the fire. Including Tallulah, who'd already texted Micah.

~

**Tallulah: Bonfire at Ellie's in an hour? All girls are inviting their guys over. Including Alexa.**

Micah read the text in Judd's bedroom. They'd been searching for something to get into, some mischief they could make before the night came to a complete dead end, _"Looks like E's having a bonfire with the girls. We just got the official invite."_

Judd checked his phone to see no new notifications, _"_ ** _You_** _got the official invite,_ ** _I_** _didn't get shit."_

_"Only because your sister's there."_ Judd ignored him, but Micah continued, _"Besides, Val's gonna be there, too.. He's the reason Ellie's elbow got fucked, you know."_

That got Judd's attention, he looked up at his acquaintance from the butterfly knife he was toying with, _"You thinking what I'm thinking?"_

A smile spread across Micah's face, one just as sick and demented as the ones that Judd himself sometimes sported. The pair pulled on their jackets and rolled out of the driveway in Judd's Jeep.

~

You and your friends sat around the fire pit on your patio. It was freezing out, but the flames kept you warm. Not that it mattered, when your fence gate swung open and you saw your former best friend, every atom in your body heated up anyways with anger. You pushed that rage down, burying it so you could keep your teammates happy for the night. At least he was alone

Half a dozen other guys flooded through the gates and when you thought that was all who would should up, the fence stood ajar one last time. Micah and Judd came through, eyeing the patio for you and Tules. Your body heated up again, but for a different reason this time. Excitement, maybe fear that Leah would put two and two together. Regardless, you smiled as he approached you.

Micah wrapped his arm around Tallulah's shoulder and kissed her, they were wrapped up in their own little world that didn't include anyone else.

Judd plucked the blunt that was tucked neatly behind your ear, admiring it's perfection, _"This for me?"_

He felt himself start to involuntarily lean his face down to yours as you responded, _"I'm willing to share if you promise to behave yourself."_

_"That's a deal breaker, babe."_

_"Judd?"_ Leah's voice pierced Judd's ear drum, he could feel her overbearing presence behind him, _"What're you doing here?"_

You watched her eyes dart between the two of you. She already knew, and Judd knew she knew. But playing her off until you were ready for her to know was easier than spending another full week without you.

Micah responded for the both of you, _"We were hangin' when I got Tules' text so I drug him along with me. Hope you don't mind."_

She shook her head, eyeing her brother suspiciously, _"Nope, I don't mind. Just didn't think you'd be caught dead hanging out with a bunch of "retarded high schoolers"."_

_"Don't get used to it."_ Judd stuck the blunt between his lips and lit it with the Bic he fished from his pocket, _"I just came to make sure you don't_ ** _almost_** _get alcohol poisoning again. Remember Halloween?"_

Leah blushed embarrassingly, backing away from the four of you in an attempt to ignore the memory of her drunken stupor all together.

Solid flames were blaring from the small fire pit on your back porch. Everyone pulled up chairs around it, half of the girls accompanied by their dates, the others mingling and sharing weed that had been almost solely provided by you.

You sat between Judd and Talulah, beside her was Micah. Across from you was Val, Alexa and then Leah. Everyone else sat on either side, separating you all. Leah held her own conversation with a stranger that some guy had brought along. He was nice enough, but her eyes kept wandering to the two of you.

She watched you share cigarette after cigarette. Took note of the way neither of you tried to stop your fingers from brushing as you passed the filter back and forth. The way Judd didn't hesitate to grab the pack off of your lap and how you, without asking for permission, comfortably slipped your hand inside his hoodie pocket in order to get his lighter.

But more importantly, she noticed the subtle hint of a smile her brother constantly had when he was looking at you. It wasn't a smile that could be seen to the naked eye, only visible to someone that had witnessed his angry scowl every day for their entire life. Leah saw the way you and Judd spoke to each other as if there was no one else around, Judd admired you without distraction from the laughter and bustling conversation right outside of his line of sight.

Micah finished off his bottle of Corona and rolled it into the center of the circle. Everyone's conversations tapered off as the ringing of glass against concrete whistled through the crisp November night.

_"Oh hell yeah, spin the bottle? I'm down."_ The guy that Leah had been chatting up commented while rubbing his palms together hungrily.

_"Truth or dare, you hairless taint."_ Micah spat back.

He and Judd had cracked this plan effortlessly during their drive over. They'd been craving violence and disruption all night. But more so for Judd, he craved answers. His knuckles itched for bloody skin to skin contact, he was going to get those answers one way or another.


	27. Fragile Masculinity

Round and round the bottle spun. The stranger that had been poorly attempting to court Leah went first, and then Josie, next Sara, on and on and on. Girls were dared to kiss other girls and when they chose "truth" with cowardice, they were asked embarrassing questions by the guys like "How many people have you slept with?", "Thongs or boyshorts?"

And the guys, well no guy was going to choose truth over dare. It would be the equivalent of tattooing "Pussy" right on the face of their already fragile masculinity.

Micah, though truly and honestly a nice guy, was no different. He chose dare and was given the challenge of sucking down a whole cigarette in one long, bitter inhale. And he failed - only getting halfway down the stoge before it fell from his lips and he erupted in a coughing fit, smoke violently escaping from his lungs as he held back vomit. _That_ he did succeed on.

After composing himself, he flicked the bottle. It spun a dozen times before coming to an excruciatingly slow stop. Val cursed under his breath as the neck faced him. He'd noticed the diminishment of their friendship recently, Micah had stopped coming around and started spending more time with Talulah. Some with Judd, but most with Tules. Val, Kurt and Devin would call him pussy-whipped behind just back, but Val still wouldn't test his own strength against Micah's.

_"Dare."_ Val said with little hesitation, knowing that he didn't actually have any other option.

Micah thought for a moment, having hoped that he really would choose the latter. It would've made his mind game simpler. Then he remembered one of the last conversations he'd heard in that basement, when Val was stoned off his ass and swallowing down beer after beer.

_"I dare you to break up with Alexa. Right now."_

Val's face contorted with confusion and embarrassment, he responded quickly, _"What? No, why would I-"_

_"Why not? You were planning to anyways."_

_"I don't know what you're - I never-"_ He stumbled to save himself, tripping over his words until Micah continued.

_"That's what you said in your basement, V. That you needed to just rip the band-aid off, get it over quick. Right?"_

Eyebrows raised around the circle and whispers ensued. No one dared to break the tense air that thickened between the two guys. You watched poor Alexa's eyes get big as she read Val's face. It was obviously that everything being said was true, and Alexa knew it too.

_"Did you say that, Val?"_ Her words trembled through her chattering teeth. The fire wasn't helping her stay warm anymore.

_"No! I didn't -"_ His voice was laced with annoyance at her sadness, _"Ugh. I changed my mind, truth! I choose truth!"_

_"Have it your way."_ This time Judd piped up, he leaned forward in his seat and took the reins from Micah, _"Tell the fucking truth then. Are you the reason Alexa's been throwing the past few games?"_

With the drop of a hat, the whispers stopped. Or at least the ones coming from your teammates lips. All eyes were on her, the scrawny freshman that you'd taken a chance on. All the color had drained from her face, except for her cheeks which grew crimson red.

Val wasn't going to answer. No way was he going to take the blame for that sort of thing, not considering who he was in the company of. But he didn't have to, Alexa's meek, broken voice spoke for him. Slicing through the tension like a knife.

_"Sort of.."_ Tears sat on the brim of her big, heartbroken eyes. She turned to face Val and spoke to him as if no one else were around, _"For_ ** _weeks_** _all you've talked about is how fucking dumb volleyball is. You made me feel like an_ ** _idiot_** _for enjoying it, went on and on about how hilarious is would be if I played like shit on purpose. Why would you do that?? Why would you fuck with me like this, Val?"_

Leah placed a hand on Alexa's shoulder and she lost it. Fat, dramatic tears rolled over her cheeks as she wailed. Everyone was witnessing her first heartbreak, and it immediately turned Val into public enemy #1.

Eliza was the first to speak up, _"What the_ ** _fuck_** _, Val?"_ Then a blonde haired football player, _"Not cool, bro.."_

An array of similar comments made their way around the fire, all directed at him. They filled his head and took turns throwing punches at his ego. Micah wore a sinister smile, but Val didn't notice it. He and Judd were in a staring match, and ultimately Val would break first as he made his next bad decision.

_"Yeah, well, Ellie and Judd have been hooking up for WEEKS! "_

Leah rolled her eyes, standing from her seat and pulling Alexa to her feet along with her. Rubbing her back and ushering her toward your kitchen doors so she could help her get cleaned up, _"That's not a secret, asshole. And it doesn't make you any less of a dick either!"_

Val's eyes wandered to your own, he watched the bonfire reflecting off of them. It filled your irises, causing pure fear to swallow up his soul when your lips parted to speak.

_"You really did this to me, huh?"_ Your voice was hollow with sudden realization as you glanced down at your elbow, still braced with black Velcro. You'd figured for weeks that Alexa had just been playing like shit because she was love struck, had other shit on her mind.

_"Ellie, I didn't.. I never meant for you to get hurt."_ He was pleading at this point.

_"You_ ** _know_** _how important volleyball is to me."_ Val stood from his seat around the fire, the flames became one with the whites of your eyes. You copied his movements, inching toward him like a lioness would a gazette. Stalking him, leaving him with no escape route. _"I would_ ** _never_** _do something like this to you. Not even now, not even after you've_ ** _fucked_** _me over so many fucking times."_

He eyed the locked fence gate behind you, sweating over the realization that he had nowhere to go. Feeling the word vomit bubbling up in his throat.

_"Why?! You were the_ **_only_ ** _person that I fucking had, you_ **_knew_ ** _that this sport was my ticket out and you fucking_ **_ruined_ ** _it! WHY, Val?"_

He tried to swallow but the knot in his throat stopped him from doing so.

_"_ **_WHY?!_ ** _"_

Your palms shot out in front of you like venom from a rattlesnake's fangs, hitting his chest and knocking that lump in his throat loose. The words spilled out of him before he could catch them, _"BECAUSE YOU WERE LEAVING ME, OKAY!?!"_

Val watched the stoney expression on your face soften. Not with forgiveness, but with confusion. And now that the cat was out of the bag, he couldn't put it back in.

_"I fucked up, Ellie, okay?! I get it, fucked up and I keep fucking up!"_

He pointed an accusatory finger at you, poking the flesh of your breast just over your heart that was trying it's damndest to beat out of your rib cage.

" _But you were all I fucking had, too! And you just couldn't wait to get away from me, even before I started fucking up. You were counting down the days to freedom while I was counting down to god damn misery! And you didn't give two shits how I felt about that!"_

Judd had stood from his seat when he saw Val advance toward you, taking a protective stance behind you. He wrapped his rough, calloused hand around your forearm, nearly causing you to jump out of your skin before you realized who it was.

You looked back at Judd, who's face held pounds of over protective concern. Then to your peers and teammates, all of whom were listening intently on the yelling match going on just beside them. And then back to Val, who finally looked defeated.

For the first time in months, Val was actually giving you at least a sliver of the truth. Not the whole truth, not in this setting, but a chunk of it.

Your lowered your voice so that no one besides Val and Judd could hear you, _"I think we need to talk, V. Alone."_

_"Right now?"_

_"No."_ You scoffed and shook your head, _"Right now, you can go fuck yourself. But at some point, we need to talk."_

He sighed, staring down at his feet and shoving his hands into his pockets, _"Yeah.. I guess you're right. Tell Lexi I'm sorry, will ya?"_

You nodded but knew you'd never tell her that he said that. You wouldn't feed her any more of his lies, she'd heard enough of them. Val drug his shoes across the damp grass and through the gate, making his way back to his own lonely home where he could sort all of his thoughts from the past few months. Try to put together some sort of game plan for what he'd say when the two of you finally did have that "talk".

You watched him leave, continuing to watch the slimy trail of disgust he left behind him even after he was gone. It was Eliza's boyfriend, slapping his palms against his thighs as he stood up, that finally caused you to snap out of your trance, _"Welp, I think that's my cue to dip.."_

The other guys followed after him, all of your teammates flooded back into the house until it was just you, Judd, Talulah and Micah left in the backyard.

Talulah grabbed Micah by the hand, ushering him back towards the front of the house, _"Come on, I'll walk you out."_

You'd never be able to thank her enough for her ability to read social cues like a pro, the way she just knew when someone needed to be left alone. The two of them passed by you and you heard Judd's soft voice emanating from behind you, talking to Micah, _"Gimme a minute."_

The gate clinked shut and it was now just you and him between the walls of your wooden privacy fence. Judd stepped in front of you, trying to read the mood on your face for a moment but all he saw was tiredness. Not sleepy, just mentally exhausted. Deflated from spending years making sense of everyone's excuses. Your mom's, dad's, and most recently - Val's.

_"What he said, Ellie... it's not an excuse for how he treated you."_

You nodded slowly, breathing in the cold, smokey November air, _"Yeah.. I know."_

Judd wasn't a comforter, that much he knew. And watching you now, pitiful, it reminded him of every other time he'd been unable to soothe someone that he loved. Like the time he watched Leah from the air vent above her bed, sobbing into her pillow after Daniel had turned out to be a giant jerk. He'd wanted to help but had no earthly idea of _how._

_"What do you need me to do, baby?"_ He took another step toward you, reaching his hand out to brush your hair out of your face but letting his fingers linger against your cheek, _"I fucking suck at this, but whatever you need me to do, just say the word."_

The veil of self pity fell when the hint of a smile creeped up on your face. You didn't anything from Judd, him letting you hold your own and take care of things yourself was enough. You snaked your arms around his waist, pressing your body firm against his own. You just needed to feel close to someone, someone that you knew would never disappoint you.

Judd cloaked your body with his, draping his arms over your shoulders and holding you for what felt like forever. Finally, you looked up at him without pulling away an inch.

_"Looks like there's no more hiding it from Leah. Anyone else you wanna let in on this while we're at it? Your parents, maybe?"_

His face turned to a scowl again at the mere thought of Elliot's overjoyed reaction, _"Ugh, they'd like that too much.. maybe next week though, at Thanksgiving."_

You nodded and he kissed your forehead, then your lips. You took in his mesquite taste, gripping the back of his shirt while he ran his fingers through your hair and against your scalp.

_"You're still coming over tomorrow night, right?"_ You asked against his lips.

_"Mhm."_ He kissed you again, _"I've got some shitty early 2000's horror movies I'm bringing."_

_"Yeah? Well I'm making dinner, bring your appetite."_

Judd kissed your lips again, and then your cheek, then your temple. He lingered there until you heard his deep, gravelly voice whisper into your ear, _"Oh I'll be hungry, alright.."_ His fingers slid from your hair to your throat, grazing your skin and sending a warm tingle between your thighs, _"You better be ready for me when I get there."_

_"Shut upppp,"_ You kissed him one last time before breaking free from his grasp, backing up toward the sliding glass doors, _"And get outta here, I gotta go explain myself to your fucking sister."_

_******_

Back inside your bedroom the mood had lightened ten fold. A few of the girls were already settling onto the multiple blow up mattresses on your floor. Alexa's face was still red and puffy, but her tear ducts had long dried up. You invited her to share a blunt with you outside of your window, just the two of you.

_"It'll get you out of your head, come on."_ You told her, and she agreed. You told her it wasn't her fault, that you weren't mad at her and she deserved better. And it was true, she did. No one deserved what Val had put you both through.

She fell asleep quickly after that in a sleeping bag next to Josie. Meanwhile, you laid in the dark, listening to all of their steady breaths and quiet snores. Your mind raced as you thought of what Val and Judd had both said. Val, that you'd hurt him by making the commitment to leave at the end of next summer. And Judd, that you didn't deserve his abuse regardless.

You wondered if Judd would still think the same when the time came, or if he too would become resentful.

Your thoughts were interrupted by a soft hissing sound, _"Psst!"_

It came from just beside you, from Leah. She lay between you and Talulah in your bed. You turned on your side, facing her.

_"What are you doing up?"_ You whispered back.

_"I was waiting until everyone else was asleep so we could talk, silly."_

Her permanently positive mood made you less scared of the impending conversation. You felt your muscles relax as you stuffed your hands under the cool pillow below your head, _"I'm sorry for lying to you, dude."_

Her shoulders shrugged against the mattress as she responded, _"Don't be, I get it. Can't be easy to admit you're boning your best friend's brother."_

You cringed but knew she didn't mean her words as harshly as they sounded, _"Gross, don't say it like that! It's not like we're_ ** _just_** _hooking up."_

Leah waited for you to continue, knowing you wanted to admit more.

_"We hang out, y'know.. like how me and Val used to, but different at the same time. It's just kinda nice.. to be with someone that doesn't really expect anything from you."_

Her next words came out slowly, as if to make sure you heard her clearly the first time. You could tell by the sincerity in her sweet voice that she required only honesty from here on out, _"Do you love him?"_

Your heart sank into the deepest, darkest pit of your guts. You hadn't even considered her question yet, but now that singular word filled your head in every form. _Love._ You remembered when Judd had asked you something similar, and you'd told him the few people you'd _felt_ love for, but hadn't been _in love_ with.

You'd told Judd that he'd been one of those people. But now, looking back, he didn't really fit into that category anymore. You now felt something much more intense for him than you had for Alec or that guy from your church.

_"I don't really know what love is, Leah.. but I think I'm figuring it out."_


	28. Thanksgiving

You stood in front of your full sized mirror trying on outfit after outfit, pulling them off and tossing them into a pile on your floor and doing it all over again. Nothing looked right. You felt bloated, you were breaking out for the first time in your fucking life, and to make it all worse - you'd already lost your summer tan.

You sat down cross legged on the carpet in a huff, praying that Connie would come back just for a few minutes, just for long enough to give you that ego boost that you were lacking right now. It was Thanksgiving and you would be spending it at the Birch's like usual. Only this time it was different. Tules wouldn't be there, she was meeting Micah's family for the first time. And it was more or less unanimously decided that Diane and Elliot would be let in on whatever was going on with you and their son.

Unanimously meaning between you, Judd and Leah. Leah was all for it, Judd couldn't care less but figured it was probably for the best. And you, you were on the fence. But you kept reminding yourself that, _"The Birch's aren't my dad. This isn't going to end in a Patron bottle being thrown at my head or a pair of scissors being taken to my hair."_

Your dad. It'd been almost a month since he left the country and he would be back in the morning. There once was a time when you counted down the days to joyous reunification, but now.. you were scared. Scared of disappointing him, scared of what he already knew.

But now wasn't the time to think about that. You glanced at the clock on your phone, _"Shhhittt!"_ It was already five o'clock. Dinner would be at six and you needed to be there ahead of time for Leah to calm your nerves with her soothing voice and Judd to tell you to chill the fuck out.

You grabbed the last hanger from your closet and pulled the burnt orange dress over your head. It was tighter than you remembered and came down just past mid thigh. Paired with nude colored boots and a matching orange, black and white shawl, you decided that this was as good as it was gonna get.

You chain smoked your Camels on the drive over to calm your nerves, almost stopping to knock on the front door as if you hadn't been to the home a million times over the years. Your knuckled almost came into contact with the door before you caught yourself, closing your eyes and taking a much needed deep breath. In that time, you didn't hear the door in front of you swing open,

_"What are you doing, idiot?"_ The smooth voice brought a calmness over your body that the breathing techniques never could, even with the flirtatious insult attached to the end.

You opened your eyes to see Judd leaning coolly against the bleach white door frame. His eyes snaked their way up the curves of your legs and over your hips until they reached your own.

_"I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have worn this. I'm so fucking bloated right now and my legs look fuckin'_ **_pale_ ** _and I just-"_

_"Shut up."_ He pulled the door shut behind him, stepping out onto the front porch with you, _"You look gorgeous, you always look fucking gorgeous."_

You leaned forward into his chest, resting your face on his shirt for support, _"I'm freaking the hell out. Do we really have to do this_ ** _today_** _?"_

Judd wrapped his arm around your shoulder and sat his chin on the top of your head, you could smell the soft hint of Jack Daniels on his breath. He was just as stressed as you were, except he'd taken two shots of whiskey to calm his nerves.

_"No, we don't have to."_ You felt his rough fingers slip under your face, tinting your chin upward to look at him as he spoke, _"We can keep sneaking around if you want."_

You stuck out a pouty lip, hoping he would just make the final decision for you. The corner of his mouth turned up into a smirk, you looked so cute. Judd kissed that pouty lip of yours gently before asking, _"Is that what you want?"_

A sigh escaped your mouth as you pulled away from him, straightening out your dress, _"Ugh, no.. I hate lying to them."_

Judd didn't give two shits about lying to his parents, he was just sick of sneaking out late at night and having to slip you in through the back door after everyone was asleep. His parents were progressives, you staying in his room for the night wouldn't be an issue with them. Plus, and he would never admit it out loud, Diane and Elliot fucking love you. He knew that if he ever did anything right in his parents' eyes, it would be this.

He pushed open the front door again, holding it open for you, _"Let's get this shit over with then."_

******

_"Bienvenido a casa, Eleanor!"_

The majority of your worries melted away as you stepped into the spacious kitchen and heard Diane's welcoming voice. After a full day of cooking, it was toasty in the room. A comfortable contrast from the low temperature you'd been exposed to outside.

_"Aww, did you learn that just for me, Diane?"_ You asked, holding a hand over your heart with sarcasm.

_"Diane and I have been taking Rosetta Stone courses together!"_ Elliot came through the swinging pantry doors, a ruffled apron tied around his waist like always, _"The spring cardiology convention is being held in Cabo, and we want to be able to speak_ ** _fluently_** _with our hosts and the locals!"_

Elliot's enthusiasm warmed your heart. Maybe it was just the holidays making you sentimental, but sometimes you really were jealous over how good Leah, Nick and Judd had it. Not over the material things in their home, but the unconditional love they'd been shown since day one.

_"Just watch the Saturday morning cartoons in Spanish,"_ You said while taking a decorative stoneware tray full of rolls from his hands and placing it on the table, _"That's what my dad did when he came to the states."_

They laughed and commented about how inspiring your dad must be, "working so hard to achieve the American dream". You held back a disgusted look, but Judd saw the smile on your face lose some of its truthfulness out of the corner of his eye.

_"Is this shit almost done or what?"_ He said, changing the conversation for your sake and peeking through the oven glass at the turkey.

_"Patience, Judd."_ His mother said while ushering him away from the oven, _"Go tell your brother to set the table. Ellie, can you grab Leah? We're about to eat."_

_***_

Diane and Elliot sat at either end of the semi-formal dining room table. One one side was Leah and Nick and on the on the other sat you and Judd. No one seemed to question why you'd taken the seat across from Leah instead of beside her, like usual.

The chargers and trays were stacked high, they always went all out for Thanksgiving dinner. Diane's mashed potatoes were always your favorite, homemade with an ample amount of butter and whipped to perfection. They tasted just the way your mom's used to.

But this year, they just didn't appeal to you. Nothing did. You were hungry, starving even, but you felt like any bit of food was going to come right back up. _"Nerves"_ , you told yourself. You picked at your plate, pushing around green beans and sparingly taking bites of sweet potato casserole to make it look like you were eating.

Halfway through the dinner Judd was nervously eyeing his parents, gauging their mood. Their ever-approving mood. He started to wonder if he'd be able to go through with this. A sandaled foot nudged his shin from underneath the table.

Leah stared him down, motioning her head toward their mom and dad. _"Go. For. It."_ She mouthed.

Judd looked at you, you'd read Leah's lips too. He slipped a hand under the table and placed it on your thigh, letting you know that he was there. Regardless of anything that happened, he was there.

You nodded at him, letting him know that you were all in. It was time.

Judd cleared his voice loudly, his fork hitting the almost empty plate in front of him and breaking up the conversation his parents were having with Nick.

_"Mom, Dad."_

They looked at him from either end of the table. He had their full attention for what might've been the first time since Leah came along. And with that realization, Judd started to perspire. Nervousness washed over him out of nowhere. You saw a single bead of sweat roll down the nape of his neck and put your hand lovingly over his own that still rested on your thigh.

_"You know what, fuck it."_ Judd looked over at you one last time before turning back to his dad and spilling out abruptly, _"Ellie and I are dating."_

A wide grin spread across Leah's face and Nick dramatically choked on his bite of turkey. You blushed, having never heard him actually say it before. _Dating_.

Meanwhile a silence had fallen over his parents. Elliot's face had frozen in place, as if he were in shock, and Diane did the same. It was like they were broken, a glitch in the matrix.

You spoke softly, _"Are you guys, uh.. okay?"_

_"This.. is.."_ Diane managed to get out before her husband bursted at the seams.

_"WONDERFUL!"_ Elliot popped out of his chair. Literally popped, like those rubber poppers from the 90s that would shoot into the sky. He wrapped his arms around Judd's shoulder, which Judd adamantly objected to.

Diane did the same to you, planting a million kisses on the top of your head out of excitement. And when you'd gotten enough kisses and Judd had received enough forceful hugs, they switched. Elliot now hugging you and Diane kissing Judd's crown.

Nick spoke to you across the table while his parents boasted together, _"YOU'RE dating Judd??"_

_"Mhm,"_ You nodded, _"And your hairy little friend has known about it for weeks."_

_"All right guys, calm down! I don't know how you two didn't already know, it was pretty obvious.."_ Leah whined. She was quickly getting annoyed with her parents' excitement.

The couple settled back into their seats and all of your tension from earlier melted away. You felt like yourself again as you listened to Diane and Elliot y'all to each other across the table.

_"Oh, this is just lovely!", "I always knew they'd end up together, you remembered when-", "I hear wedding bells!"_

Judd ignored rolled his eyes and went back to ignoring them, and with the weight of this off your shoulders you were finally able to eat.

***

You all sat around the table talking for another two hours. After that, you filled the sofa and chairs in the living room, digesting the food you'd all just inhaled and napping off the salt. Judd pulled your legs over his lap on the couch and took your boots off for your, shooting daggers with his eyes at his family members as they swooned loudly from their seats.

You and Judd woke up from your cat nap to Leah and Diane putting their shoes on and grabbing their coats behind you, _"So we'll head to SoHo first, then Macy's, maybe hit up Columbus Circle before it gets too late?"_

_"That sounds great, sweetie. Hurry up before your dad and Nicky try to tag along!"_

You looked over the back of the couch and caught Leah's eye just as she was about to walk out the door, _"We're headed Black Friday shopping, wanna come with, chica?"_

You rubbed the sleep from your eyes and sat up, pulling your legs off of Judd's lap, _"Nah, my dad's gonna be home in the morning. I'm sure I'll have a lot to answer to.."_


	29. Two Fingers of Rum

Leah shrugged at your answer and followed Diane out the door.

_"Guess that means I'm not welcome over tonight then?"_

You looked over at Judd, who was leaning back against the arm of the couch. He had a mixed look of disappointment and sadness on his face. Already gripping his keys in one hand, ready to go wherever you wanted him to.

_"You can come,"_ You leaned in close to him, kissing along his jawline. Your fingers trailed down his veiny forearm, fishing his keys out of his hand, _"But we take my car, I can't risk my dad catching your Jeep in the driveway."_

*****

Judd watched your short dress slide up as you slipped into the driver's seat. Frozen air blew out of the vents while your old, beaten up car struggled to heat up. He saw your quivering breath seeping from between your lips as you tucked one hand between your thighs, squeezing them tight around your palm to keep warm.

_"You cold, babydoll?"_ His fingers traced your wrist, begging for access to your stowed away hand.

You were, but his words caused an ember to glow deep within you, dethawing you from the inside out. Judd tugged your hand free, and you obliged, believing he wanted to hold your hand. Still, you looked at him sideway, _"You're being awfully sweet today.."_

Just as the words made their way past your lips, you felt his fingers pass up your own. Stuffing themselves deep between your thighs and just under the hem of your dress. You cocked an eyebrow knowingly and saw the cocky smirk on his face from the corner of your eye. You didn't dare object.

_"I'm just trying to keep you warm, Ellie."_ His voice accompanied by a breath of thick fog. He spoke slow and tantalizing, daring you to call his bluff.

_"Is that all?"_ Your legs slipped further apart. If he wanted to play that game, you were more than happy to play along, _"You're doing a shit job then."_

An obvious lie, the chill bumps on your thighs had long melted away into silky smooth skin. You heard Judd growl under his breath, his smirk turning into a cynical, toothy grin. Wide enough to show off his pearly white canines, ones that you knew would soon replace his hand on your thigh. He slid his palm further up your dress, just an inch from your dampening panties.

_"Am I?"_ Judd could feel the heat radiating off of your sex, _"Feels pretty fuckin' warm in here to me."_

His middle finger reached out, pressing firmly against your clit. Dragging itself down and hooking around your thin panties, pulling them to the side and dipping just inside you. You inhaled sharply as Judd chuckled to himself over your weakness, _"Wet, too.."_

You ignored him, refusing to do what you knew he wanted. Beg. Judd caught on quickly and, growing irritable with your defiance, slid his finger all the way in side of you.

You held back a moan and drifted softly off the road before correcting, fighting the urge to let your eyes wander to his out of fear of them giving you away.

_"This how you're gonna be tonight?"_ His digit pushed in and out as you struggled to focus on the road ahead. He added another, leaning closer to your flushed face as he continued, _"You know I'll treat you good if you behave, baby.."_

With that, you clamped your legs shut tight. No longer allowing him free access to his favorite parts of you. Your lips parted to break your silence just as you pulled the car into your driveway.

_"I wanna see how you'll treat me if I_ **_don't_ ** _."_

A light sparked in Judd's eyes as doors opened in his mind, imagining all of the things he'd kill to do to you. His husky voice sent a demented chill up your spine, _"You have about five seconds to get upstairs before I fuck you where you stand."_

You pulled the keys out of the ignition and raced him to the door, Judd trying to trip you up and stall you the entire way. You weren't counting down the seconds, but he was. As soon as you got the front door unlocked and into the safety of your dark, empty house, you felt his grip on your wrist.

He pulled you back, pushing you against the foyer wall with his body. You could feel his solid cock against your torso through his jeans.

Judd's free hand roamed up your body, cupping your face as he kissed your ear, whispering to you, _"Time's up."_

His fingers traced the skin from your jaw to your collarbones as he assaulted your neck.

_"What are you gonna do to me, baby?"_

He smiled against you, moving his face up to yours and his fingers over your throat. You counted every one of them as they closed around you. His knee slid between your thighs, kicking them open.

He was seeping with excitement, barely able to contain himself as he growled, _"I am gonna_ ** _choke_** _the fucking life out of y-"_

The foyer lights flipped on abruptly, both blinding and scaring the living hell out of you. You let out a small yelp of terror and Judd pulled his hands back to himself, jumping away from you as quickly as he could.

_"Buenas noches, mija.."_ You heard your dad's voice before you saw his face, but his voice told you all you needed to know.

You rubbed the fear off of your face and spoke calmly, straightening out your dress, _"Jesus Christ, Dad, you scared the shit out of me."_

For a solid minute, not a word was spoken between the three of you. Your dad stood at the end of the hallway, arms crossed with a stoic expression on his face. _At least he isn't drunk_ , you thought to yourself.

_"Necesitamos hablar, Eleanor."_

You hated when he used your full name. You knew he hated it too, your name itself. He'd made it known time and time again that he loathed having not pressed harder for a more _traditional_ Colombian name. So when he called you anything besides Ellie, mija or amor, you knew he was serious.

_"Right.."_ You turned to Judd, arms tucked around your waist in embarrassment, _"I'll text you, okay?"_

He glanced over your shoulder at your dad for just a moment and then back down at you before nodding, _"Okay."_ Pulling your face gently toward his own, giving you the smallest kiss that he could right on the top of your head. After that, he was out the door.

You turned to face your dad slowly, readying yourself for a blow to the cheek.

_"You're back early, I thought your flight had a layover in Miami?"_ Casual conversation. That's how you usually got yourself out of hot water with him.

_"I caught an earlier plane so we could spend a few hours of Thanksgiving together. I see you had other plans."_ He started toward the kitchen island and you instinctively knew to follow him.

You lifted yourself up onto a barstool as he stood at the other end of the counter pouring himself a late night drink. Two fingers of rum, the rest of the glass filled to the brim with coke like always.

_"He's a good guy, dad. I wanted to tell you, really, I just-"_

_"I know."_ He sipped his drink slowly, letting the liquor warm him from the inside out, _"Diego told me. Said the boy shook his hand and looked him in the eye when he caught you two on our side of town."_

You chewed at your lip nervously, wishing you could read him right now. Your interior monologue was screaming at him to get to the point, to either slap you out of your seat and chase you out of the kitchen or tell you there was nothing to be afraid of.

He motioned at your Velcro wrapped elbow, _"That's not from him, si?"_

_"What? No!"_ You looked down at your arm and laughed, feeling a little bit of the pressure in your chest let up, _"Ha! You would've gotten a surprise visit from me in Colombia. I hear they don't extradite on murder charges to the US."_

He smiled at you for the first time, both with pride and reassurance. For a moment it felt like the good old days, the years just after your mom had dropped off the face of the earth. When it was just the two of you and he didn't drink before you went to bed. Nostalgia swarmed your head.

_"Good."_ Your dad looked down at his glass, he watched the liquor swim with the soda, _"You're growing up on me, Ellie."_

You didn't make a move. Even with the lightened mood of the room and his warm smile, his voice still sounded pained. And an injured animal can be dangerous.

He took another sip and with his next breath of air said, _"That's why I'm moving back home. To Colombia."_

Before you could interject he held out a hand, motioning for you to be quiet and continued, _"After your graduation. I'm taking a few trips there between now and then to look for work, and I'll keep the house for you to stay in until you go to college in the fall. But after that.."_

Fear is a strong emotion. It makes good people do reckless, deadly things. And by now your fear of abandonment was embedded so deep within your soul that it was no longer a _fear_ at all, just an expectation. Your dad just reinforced that fear.

_"So what you're saying is we've got like.."_ counting on your fingers, _"six months left until I never see you again."_

_"I'll come back to visit, mija."_ He didn't even pretend to mean it. Didn't dare look you in the eyes as he lied and poured himself another drink.

You scoffed, slipping off the bar stood and back onto your feet. Smiling with mania over the fact that you'd just been duped into thinking that he really _wasn't_ pissed about your relationship. No, he just knew he couldn't blow up about one thing and then tell you he was leaving all in one sitting.

_"You are such a fucking hypocrite, y'know?"_

Your dad looked at you through his glass while sipping. One eyebrow cocked, both warning you to shut the fuck up and daring you to say another word. You chose the latter.

_"You've criticized mom for_ **_years_ ** _about leaving. Thrown it up in my fucking face more times than I can count. And now-"_

_"Silencio, mija."_ His accent grew thicker, just like it always did when he started to feel the alcohol running through his veins.

_"Now look at you, doing the exact same thing."_

_"I said_ ** _SHUT. UP. ELEANOR._** _"_ His voice roared through the house as he used every bit of self restraint to hold onto his glass. He squeezed his eyes shut tight and sucked in a deep breath, slowly exhaling while counting to ten, _"I think you should go to your room for the night."_

The bar stool screeched across the floor as you pushed it back against the counter, stomping across the hall toward the stairwell. You paused with one foot on the first step and mumbled under your breath, _"At least mom wasn't a fucking alcoholic when_ ** _she_** _left."_

His cup slammed down hard on the table, signaling that he'd just downed the last of his second drink. You raced up the stairs to your bedroom, the sound of that glass shattering against the wall just to the right of where you'd stood only a second before pierced through the house.


	30. Break Your Sorry Heart

The bedroom door slammed behind you and while you knew your dad wouldn't dare step foot on your floor of the house, you turned the lock anyways. Your dress came off and sweatpants went on, along with an oversized sweatshirt that you just wanted to curl yourself up inside of.

You looked around your massive bedroom, at the pile of clothes on the floor, the heap of blankets and pillows on your bed, and couldn't help but feel alone. Not just alone, but _lonely_. You'd found yourself filled with that vast emptiness more and more recently. If you were being honest with yourself, it was whenever you weren't in the company of absolutely anybody.

Which sounds perfectly normal, right? It's normal for people to hate being alone. But that wasn't _your_ normal. Just a few months ago nothing sounded better to you than a relaxing night by yourself, curled up in the comfort of your bed and watching a crime doc on TV.

But now - now the silence brought thoughts. Intrusive thoughts that nagged at you, asked you why you couldn't be enough for just a single person. Those thoughts filled you now, given the news you'd just been delivered.

_"V to E, over."_ A staticky voice emanated from your dressed drawer, tucked behind pajamas and summer clothes. It was the two way radio you'd had since you were a kid.

_"I heard a glass break. You okay?"_ On the other end of the receiver was Val. You'd almost forgotten about the damn thing entirely until you heard his muffled voice. And while you would've rather it been the devil himself, you were still glad it was someone at all to stop those intrusive thoughts from taking over the rest of your night.

You dug the radio out of your drawer and stared at it for a moment. It looked it's age, worn out and beaten up. Scuffed from years of abuse. It's imperfections nearly matching your own.

_"I know you're there, Elle."_

You held down the mic on the left hand side and spoke into it, _"I'm good. Typical conversation with dad, you know how it is."_

Val sat in his windowsill just across from yours. Your blinds were shut, but he could still see your silhouette thanks to the yellow light from your floor lamp.

_"I gotta j rolled.. you still wanna have that talk?"_

_******_

You sat on the roof just outside your window as Val climbed up the trellis on the side of your house. The joint he'd promised you hung out of his mouth. He pulled himself over the edge and took a seat. Puff, puff, pass, just like always.

_"What set him off this time?"_

You took the weed from his fingers and inhaled deep, hoping to forget the answer to that question come the end of the night, _"Does he really need a reason? Sometimes I think he just enjoys using me as target practice."_

Val looked at you through the smoke, face tilted down and lips pursed as if to say, _"spill it."_ He'd always been able to tell when you were holding back. You sighed heavy and stared at the ashes threatening to fall onto your lap.

_"He's leaving me, V. I dunno if he's told your dad yet, so y'know, keep that to yourself if you want. But yeah, he's leaving me.."_

_"What do you mean he's "leaving you"? Like he's taking a job in the city?"_

You shook your head with frustration, _"No, like he's moving back to fucking Colombia just like mom moved back to wherever the fuck she's from. He's abandoning me just like her and just like you."_

Val took that blow with a grain of salt. It wasn't the worst thing you'd ever said to him, and he knew you were just hurting.

_"I didn't_ ** _abandon_** _you, Elle."_ Even he didn't believe the words he was saying, they lost some of their velocity toward the end, _"Besides, you still have Leah and her family. God fucking knows you still have Judd.."_

He sounded bitter. It amused you to think that he was now trying to blame Judd for his own screw ups. It was in the Bilzerian nature, never own up to their mistakes.

_"For now. What about when I leave in the fall? What if he gets pissy like you did?"_

_"Judd's not like that, he's not like.. me. He's a gaping asshole but he's not a piece of shit."_

You didn't respond. Instead you grabbed your carton of cigarettes from inside your window and lit up without offering Val one like you might've a few months prior. He leaned back against the rough, cold shingles and spoke quietly, hoping that the icy wind would drown out his words entirely and you wouldn't give him an answer.

_"You love him?"_

It was the same question that Leah had asked you last week. But a week doesn't seem like any time at all when you're drifting in a sea of pink clouds. The answer this time popped up in your head immediately and you knew there was no denying it.

_"Yeah."_ You scoffed when you said it, like you were embarrassed that an emotion so dangerous and childish could fall upon **you** , _"So fucking much."_

That admission hurt Val more than anything else. More than knowing in September that this would be his last full year with you, more than watching Judd lead you to your bed through the window. It hurt because he'd witnessed it over the past few months, he'd orchestrated it with his own stupid fucking actions. It could've been him, he knew it could've been him.

_"Why did you do all those things to me, Val? How could you do that to_ **_me_ ** _, of all people?"_

_"I just.."_ He didn't have an excuse, but he had formed at least somewhat of an answer over the past week, _"I guess I felt like you were abandoning me, too, y'know.. Which is stupid, I know. Kurt ran with the first thing and I should've stopped him, but dad told me that he was finally proud of me and-"_

_"You let everyone see me fucking naked. It's one thing if_ **_I_ ** _let everyone see me naked, but you fucking told KURT how to get into the locker room. What if he hadn't stopped at just pictures? Would you have had my back then?"_

The thought of what Kurt was actually capable of made Val shutter. You were right, what if he _hadn't_ stopped there? Val knew he would've stood up for you, been on your side, but that admission was hollow now.

_"Listen, I saw Judd leaving your house a few mornings before that and I was pissed. I'm not gonna lie to you. Everyone's fucking known for years that Judd's had it bad for you and I felt like you barely even gave me a chance before shutting me down. It's a shitty excuse dude, but that's how I felt at the time and I'm sorry."_

You laughed in exasperation, _"I gave you eighteen fucking years! You had so. many. chances to say something. I hung out with you more than I did ANY of my exes, you were sleeping in my god damn bedroom every other night for fuck's sake! I gave you a chance and you fucked it up, V!"_

_"Did you love me, Ellie? Like you do Judd, I mean."_

Your cigarette hit the filter just as he said it, no more smoke to warm your chest. That answer popped into your head just as quickly as the first one had, but instead of being nestled in pink clouds it was surrounded by thunderheads. Lightening flashing around it and sharp, stinging rain drops falling too.

_"Yeah.. Yeah, I did."_

He sucked down another hit, and then another. Needing desperately to be stoned off his ass for the remainder of this conversation, _"What about now?"_

You turned his direction to grab the joint from his hand, your eyes meeting his in the process. Val saw those thunderheads and lightening and stinging rain drops in your irises and feared your answer.

_"Now_ _.._ _I wanna chew you up and swallow you hole, Jennifer's Body style."_ You plucked the drugs from his hand and continued speaking with such calmness that he knew you were being honest, _"And then vomit you back out, bones and all."_

Val had still held a tiny bit of hope in the back of his mind that somehow your friendship was salvageable. He was now left both disgusted and horrified at how much you'd grown to loathe him.

You didn't let up, _"I know that I'm still your favorite. That's true, right? I'll always be your favorite girl. You have no idea how fucking happy that makes me."_

_"Why's that?"_ He asked with hesitation.

You smiled before answering. The same sort of smile that Christian Bale wore all throughout American Psycho, maniacal, _"Because more than anything, I still just want to love you.. I want to love you with so much passion and ferocity that you forget every negative thing your parents ever taught you about the art."_ You sucked in a deep breath of smoke and spoke while holding it within your chest, _"And then I wanna break your sorry little fucking heart, Val. I wanna leave you_ ** _empty_** _, just like I do everybody that's loved me."_

You exhaled and handed him back the joint that was now reduced to a roach, _"This weed fucking sucks, it's making me nauseous."_

With that, you grabbed the edge of your window and slid your trembling body back inside. It wasn't the cold that had you shivering, it was the adrenaline of finally getting everything off of your chest that he'd shit onto it for the past three months. You slammed it tight, missing the tail of his jacket by only a hair and leaving Val out on your rooftop. Alone and cold, like he deserve.


	31. Being Loved

Judd drove by Pizza Bro's Parlor and grabbed a large pie. Extra cheese, half with no veggies, just how you liked it. He refused to let you get out of the car, thinking your still wobbly legs wouldn't be strong enough to carry your weight. You didn't want to go in, you just wanted to feel the cold air on your skin. You though it might ground you, make you feel somewhat like a human again and less like a fuck up.

He drove you through winding roads and down a gravel clearing in the woods. It was the same place he took you to that night you almost killed Kurt. It looked different this time of year and in the daylight, all the trees were stripped of their foliage. They were dead. You felt a little like they looked, but you knew that with time you'd come back to life, just like the trees would come spring.

Judd opened up the back of his Jeep and you crawled in, crossing your legs and sitting up against the back of the seats. There were a few pillows around you. Ones that _you'd_ never made use of, but you were sure a few other girls had. You chose not to think about that and settled on being content that he'd been more careful with them than he'd been with you.

You scarfed down a slice of pizza in silence as Judd only took nibbles off of his. He had a lot on his mind, you could tell. It was like the days after your elbow got fucked up, how he treated you like you were made of glass. You hated it, being coddled by him.

"You can ask questions, Judd. It's not gonna hurt my feelings." You said while tearing through the crust.

Judd's mouth opened but no words came out, at least not the words that he wanted to, "I just.. don't want to fuck anything else up."

_"_ Ugh." You rolled your eyes, "You didn't fuck anything up, dude. Shit happens, and it happens to us. I'll pick up my script for the pill this week and you're more than welcome to use condoms if you want to from now on."

He finally took a real bite out of his slice, comforted by the realization that you weren't any more fragile now than you ever had been. He washed his mouth clean with a swig of water after scarfing it down.

"Did it hurt?"He finally asked.

"No." You shrugged, "Well, not the abortion. I was out cold for that. The ultrasound wasn't great though."

"Ultrasound?" Judd's brow contorted. He never considered that they'd actually have to _see_ what they'd be scraping out of you.

"Yeah. They stick this rod up inside you and —" You looked up from your second slice of pizza and noticed the harrowed look on Judd's face. You could only equate it to the rare times you'd brought up your mom, the way your dad managed to look as if he was both angry and sad at the same time.

"Tell me, I wanna know. Did you see it?"

You nodded your head, "They didn't really give me a choice. I had to."

Judd felt an emotion bubbling up inside of him that he hadn't felt in years, since he was a teenager. Not since that ugly, green monster stopped lingering over his shoulder every chance it got. Guilt. Shame.

"I'm sorry, Ellie."

You closed the pizza box and moved it away, scooting closer to him and wedging yourself up under his arm, "Don't be. I think it helped, actually."

"Yeah?"

"Mhm." He loosened up his limbs a little and tightened his grip around your shoulder, "I was scared that seeing it would make the whole thing more real, y'know, scared that it'd make me change my mind.. but it didn't. I didn't feel anything when they made me look at that ultrasound, and maybe that's fucked up, maybe that means there's something wrong with me. But I think actually _knowing_ that I didn't feel anything for it helped. I don't think I'll have any regrets because of that."

Judd was relieved to know that he could at least give you a little bit of space to breathe, that he wouldn't need to watch you like a hawk for signs of depression. But where was that closure for him? He still felt like the entire thing was one sided, like you'd been put through so much just because he didn't feel like pulling out _one_ time. And he was grateful for the decision you'd made, you very well could've chosen to keep it. You both could've been thrust into parenthood far too young and without a clue, but you didn't.

"I got a copy of it just in case you wanted to be sure, too."

Judd's head snapped down toward you, "Really? They gave you a photo?"

You nodded your head and reached for your bag in the back seat. He watched you pull it out. You kept it face down, giving him a second to think about it, but the answer was clear in his mind. His hand slid over yours in your lap and you passed the glossy copy paper to him.

He held it face down for a moment, too. Taking time to make sure this was really what he wanted. The picture turned right side up in his palm.

You were right. Judd had expected to feel something — anything. A tug at the heartstrings, a fluttering in the pit of his stomach. But he didn't feel a thing. Not sadness or regret, but not anger or joy either. He felt just the same as he did two weeks ago, before he ever even knew this day would be happening.

Looking at that photograph was like looking at a picture of a foreign land that he'd never visited and never planned to. The only thing about it that caught his eye was your name, nestled at the top left hand corner. _Eleanor Rojas._

That was the only part of this photo that meant anything to him, and that part meant everything to him. He shoved the photo back into your bag and wrapped both arms around you, pulling you to his chest abruptly.

You laughed as he brought the two of you down onto the floor of his car, _"What are you doing?"_

_"I love you. Fuck, I hope you know that."_

You soaked in the affection. Judd had always been plenty affectionate toward you, or at least during the past few months and the time you lost your virginity. But he was never cuddly, never super playful.

_"I know. And I love you, too. Thanks for having my back on this."_

He pulled away, leaning up on his side with his elbow and watched you stare at the dead trees outside the hatch.

_"Think you're gonna tell your dad?"_

Your dad. You'd never even considered it and never would. He was a non-practicing Catholic that liked to pick and choose which portions of the Bible he spewed, and abortion was definitely one of them. And if he knew that _you'd_ had one — oh no, he'd be having none of that.

_"Are you kidding?_ **_Fuck_ ** _no. He would drag me by the hair back to Colombia and you'd never see me again."_

Judd snickered, _"I'd like to see him try."_

You wished that Judd would have any control over it. But you knew how it'd play out. With you any foreign country that, legally, you belonged to. But had never in your life stepped foot in. You'd look just like everyone else, a pleasant change, but you'd still feel like an outsider.

_"We could go somewhere, you know."_

Your thoughts broke and you turned on your side toward him. He'd been staring at you so intensely that it was a wonder how you hadn't felt his eyes piercing your skin.

_"What do you mean? If I'm taken to Colombia?"_

He smiled and continued, _"I already told you, I wouldn't let that happen. I meant during your winter break, maybe for the new year. Or this summer, before you go off to college. We could just get outta here for a few days."_

It _would_ be nice to get away from this town for a little while. The only other place you'd really been was the city and to Washington D.C. for your middle school class trip. It would be nice to not feel like you were being smothered by everything around you for once.

_"Regionals are coming up. I know that's not what you meant, but it's "away". Coach doesn't stay in the same hotel as us and we all get our own rooms. Most of the girls bring someone along."_

Judd didn't like that. He didn't like the way it sounded as if you didn't care whether he came or not, or the thought of being the thirteenth wheel in a group full of rowdy volleyball players. And is if you could read his mind, you continued.

_"I_ **_want_ ** _you to come."_

He nodded in agreement, _"You know I'll go wherever you go, right? Wherever you want me to, I couldn't say no. Even if I fucking wanted to."_

You watched his eyes soften a tiny bit when he said it. The first sliver of weakness you'd ever pulled out of him, and his weakness was you. It'd only been a few days since you'd first heard him say the words "I love you", and you liked hearing those words. You liked saying them back, they made you feel full internally, even in the darkest crevices of your rotten insides. But this was the first time that you'd truly _believed_ that he loved you.

It was just like that time when you were sixteen, laying on the hood of Val's dad's car that he'd stolen. When you were waking up to the morning sunrise and felt him pull your back against his chest in his sleep. When you cried because it was the first time you'd ever felt loved. But you were learning that _feeling_ loved isn't the same as _being_ loved, and being loved by someone that you love back.

_"Right now I just wanna go home, Judd."_

He kissed you on the head and sat up, _"Let's go then."_  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short little chapter as I ease myself back into this story. Is anyone else super bummed that Judd isn't in the new season, like, at all??
> 
> Side note. Can you guys please tell me some things that you'd like to read in this story? Some things you think should happen? I didn't expect this book to turn into another JuddxReader at all, I truly meant for it to be a ValxReader, but now I'm stumped on where it goes from here.
> 
> I appreciate all comments and would love to hear from you guys!

**Author's Note:**

> Back at it again with the ridiculous, teen romance fan fiction! I hope you guys will enjoy this story as much as you did my Judd x Reader one.  
> Y'all know I LOVE hearing from you all. Leave me someone comments so I know what you're all thinking.


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